Day 27: Anger & Guilt


(Massachusetts)

Today is day 27, tomorrow it will be three weeks since he died. He was drunk and decided to ride his motorcycle home instead of staying at his best friend's house. He drove off the rode in a quiet wooded area at 1:30-2 am on a Wednesday, thankfully no one else was involved.....physically. There were no skid marks, he wasn't wearing his helmet and no one has been able to find his cell phone. The f-ing cell phone is driving me insane.

He moved out of the house back in March. Since then we have been trying to go back to basics. We were going on dates, having sleepovers etc. Trying to work it out. Meanwhile when he wasn't with me we was out drinking and partying. He started on a downward spiral and the Monday before the accident I had, had enough. I ended it with him. The last words he said to me were "I don't want to talk to you anymore" before he hung up on me...now he's gone.

Today has been, by far, the worst day yet. I feel weak and completely unable to cope with the constant pain and guilt. The "what if's" and "if only's " are KILLING me. The love of my life and my best friend of 6 1/2 years is gone. None of his friends are speaking to me. I feel like they are blame me. I'm blame me!

His Celebration of Life is this Sunday. His ex-wife and best friend planned it without me. I am terrified to go, but how can I not go?!

Earlier tonight I thought about killing myself just to get away from the pain. I decided to write on here instead. None of my friends and family can relate to what I'm going through, I have no one to talk to about how I feel. And I feel like I am dying inside and completely alone. I just don't care anymore.

I don't want to feel like this, but I am unable to stop it tonight. I'm not going to kill myself. I am in Hell and think I'm losing my mind. It hurts so bad. I just want the pain and guilt to go away. He's out of it now, why did I get left here to suffer?

God, I hope I feel better tomorrow...

Comments for Day 27: Anger & Guilt

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Sep 29, 2012
Day 31: Resigned to this new life
by: Lindsey aka Day 27

Hey everyone. I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words. Today makes one month since my babe's been gone and I'm still here. It's so hard. Tomorrow is the memorial and I will be there. Tonight I went to the ex-wife's house and put the picture boards together with her. Tomorrow I'll go say good bye to my love and best friend, formally. It hurts so bad but I do feel better tonight. Thank you all so very much. It's so good to know I am not alone in this. Talk soon.

Lindsey

Sep 29, 2012
To day 27
by: Brenda

your story and my story are simular. My husband, had drank on and off throughout the 15 years we were married. This past year he was on a downward spiral and on june 15th 2012 he was at his best friends house drinking. He too would stay overnight at his friends house if to drunk to ride his motorcycle home. But not on this night. I am also thankful (like you) that no one else was hurt. There were 4 witnesses. He was riding his motorcycle through an intersection and ran into the center railroad crossing arm with enough force to break off the counter weight on the arm. He was not speeding. There were no skidmarks. He was wearing a dot approved helmet but he had not fastened it on. He was taken to OHS+ trauma hospital. He never woke up. He was on life support for 2 weeks. In 2005 he had appointed me with the medical power of attorney. His request back then was to not be kept on prolonged life support if something should happen to him. So on june 30th, 2012 I made the heart wrenching decession to have him taken off life support. I stood by his side in the hospital room and had to say goodbye to my beloved husband. No words can describe what that was like. His daughters only contact me to ask about the life insurance money. He was a 100% disabled veteran and we are both in our 50s and lived month to month on his va pension. I just found out 4 days ago that he had no life insurane. Although I will receive a monthly widows bennefit, it will amount to less then half of what we were living on. I will soon be loosing our home we have lived in for the past 9 years. I will have to move to a small apartmentment and so more then likely be loosing our 3 dogs that have been my lifeline since his death. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to help you with the anger and guilt you feel. Take care.Brenda

Sep 27, 2012
Healing by Giving
by: Louisa Okoro

I cannot say I understand how you feel, but what I do understand is that the loss of a loved one is such a pesonal thing, like love it is undescribable. I have been on the journy of grief over the loss of my only daughter Alero for 10yrs and no one seem to understand my pain after all these years, what keeps me going is not the 'ifs'
but the beautiful times we shared right from the day of her birth. I dwell on the goodness of her life and times, and I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful gift. Ireflect on her birthdays and not anniversary of her passage, I love those she loved and the love ones of those she loved. She is in my heart in the present and not in the past, I never will discuss her in past tense. I talk openly about her when need be, and
I disregard those who do not share my feelings. I pray to God to dull the pain for you as He has done for me.

Sep 27, 2012
I didn't go . . .
by: Anonymous

I didn't go to the services for the love of my life. I don't regret my decision. You should go if that's what you need, or don't go if that's what you need. Either way, you shouldn't feel bad or guilty about your decision.

Sep 26, 2012
Day 27: Anger & Guilt
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so glad that you didn't kill yourself and you came on this grief site for support. I am where you are often. With friends and family who have forsaken me, and it hurts. But because I am a Christian we will go through this turmoil and lonely place just like Jesus did. Because I have God in my life I am able to weather this storm. But it is a very painfull place to be.
We all live with REGRETS. Things we wished we hadn't said and things we wished we had said and can't say now because the person has died. This is the raw reality of Life and Grief. Find God in your life and it will make a difference. You will go through worse times. But you won't be going through them alone. You have many God channels in America. Tune into one of these and you will get all the comfort you need.
The painful reality of life is that you are suffering for the last conversation and experience you had that ended in tragedy. Go and see a Grief counsellor. You will be supported in your pain. You will have to forgive yourself for that last moment that you can't put right. Your partner can't put right his last words "Don't talk to me anymore" He can't talk to you anymore and this is what is hurting you. It is an unresolved problem. You can resolve this with a grief counsellor. Letting go of our hurts, pain, and guilt is the most difficult things to do. Your partner was part of your life. Hold your head up high and go to THE CELEBRATION OF HIS LIFE. You were part of his life. Celebrate this in your own way. Don't look at anyone and you won't notice them ignoring you. IT HURTS I know but it is about doing the right thing for yourself not anyone else. You will reget it if you stay away because of other people. Don't let anyone drive you away. You will go on in life to make new friends. Build yourself up by encouraging yourself to do things, and find friends. Often we have more bad days than good days. End each day well. In grief there is a lot of misunderstanding. Try not to take it personally. I did. It hurt. I am learning now to look away and not react to what hurts me, Or how other's behave towards me. FOCUS is the key. Don't FOCUS on the problem. FOCUS on God the problem solver. You will soon see your life change for the better.

Sep 26, 2012
Get some help
by: Anonymous

Hi. You've gone through a lot. I've been in your shoes. This is easier said than done, but you can't think of the "what-ifs." You can apply that hypothetical to anything, and it's not going to change the outcome. What if you never met? What if one of his friends actually wrestled him to the ground rather than letting his drive drunk?

It isn't your fault. It will feel like it because your last conversation was not a happy one. But it's not your fault. He made a series of bad decisions that stacked the odds against him.

A sudden death like this leaves many unanswered questions. Many of them will likely remain unanswered. They have for me. So I tell myself to do my best to live a full life, on my own terms. I'm only seven months into this process, and I'm still in a daze, but I did stop going over the "what ifs." They only added to my misery.

What I also did was get help. I went to a counselor, and a psychiatrist. I joined grief therapy groups. I read books about grief. I found this website. I have a couple of friends that I talk to about my deepest feelings. In short, I worked hard to find my balance again. I don't have it yet, but I'm better than I was seven months ago.

I also seriously considered ending it all. I planned it carefully, and I had a good set of options. I still think about it, but now, I feel bad when I think of what it will do to those I leave behind.

I don't have any problems with his family. I can't give any advice about going to his service. But whatever you decide, it's the right thing because it's what you need.

I feel for you. Give yourself a break.

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