Day 27: Anger & Guilt
Today is day 27, tomorrow it will be three weeks since he died. He was drunk and decided to ride his motorcycle home instead of staying at his best friend's house. He drove off the rode in a quiet wooded area at 1:30-2 am on a Wednesday, thankfully no one else was involved.....physically. There were no skid marks, he wasn't wearing his helmet and no one has been able to find his cell phone. The f-ing cell phone is driving me insane.
He moved out of the house back in March. Since then we have been trying to go back to basics. We were going on dates, having sleepovers etc. Trying to work it out. Meanwhile when he wasn't with me we was out drinking and partying. He started on a downward spiral and the Monday before the accident I had, had enough. I ended it with him. The last words he said to me were "I don't want to talk to you anymore" before he hung up on me...now he's gone.
Today has been, by far, the worst day yet. I feel weak and completely unable to cope with the constant pain and guilt. The "what if's" and "if only's " are KILLING me. The love of my life and my best friend of 6 1/2 years is gone. None of his friends are speaking to me. I feel like they are blame me. I'm blame me!
His Celebration of Life is this Sunday. His ex-wife and best friend planned it without me. I am terrified to go, but how can I not go?!
Earlier tonight I thought about killing myself just to get away from the pain. I decided to write on here instead. None of my friends and family can relate to what I'm going through, I have no one to talk to about how I feel. And I feel like I am dying inside and completely alone. I just don't care anymore.
I don't want to feel like this, but I am unable to stop it tonight. I'm not going to kill myself. I am in Hell and think I'm losing my mind. It hurts so bad. I just want the pain and guilt to go away. He's out of it now, why did I get left here to suffer?
God, I hope I feel better tomorrow...