Day 30

by anonymous

Sat in bed awake again. This is becoming quite the regular thing. The only difference from the routine of the last few weeks is that I have become accustomed to getting up at three having had a couple of restless hours. Today there has been no sleep.

30 days since dad died or we lost dad (as I keep hearing people say) which throws me into confusion because I do wonder why no one is looking for him. It really is a ridiculous turn of phrase but does shield you from DAD DIED or DAD IS DEAD which are significantly harder to say or hear.

Closing my eyes has become a problem as soon as I close them I see dad as I last saw him. Alone. Opening my eyes is only marginally better but that only opens my eyes to all the things that remind me of him.

The time is passing painfully slow and bitterly fast. I can’t remember how he smelt or hear his voice. Another knock.

Theres a pain in my chest that comes and lingers and its so deep that I want to rip it out.

I go through phases of wanting to see everything that belonged to dad. Put every picture on the wall, wear all of his clothes walk every street that he walked. And then I cant do anything I cant look at the tiniest of pictures or hold his keys in my hand or even say his name.

I think often about what dad would make of all of this. I think of what he would have thought of the funeral. Were the songs fitting? Did we cry enough? too much?

I wonder if Ive got the wrong end of the stick and hes not gone at all. A horrible joke that someone is playing on us. I think Ill text dad and I do and I hear his phone go off.

A song comes into my head and then I realize its the song we played at the funeral and I flash back to the DAD reef and my sister with her eyes closed listening to every note and every word. I think about getting up and touching the coffin and then leaving him.

Then I slump in bed and decide to never leave the house again or speak another word or have any friends or love anyone else again ever.

I get up and go into the room where all of dads things are and I sigh like I do every day and I wonder why all thats left are a few boxes of things and some furniture. And the box with all the pictures catches my eye and I look at a picture of my dad when he was younger and he looks so strong and im so happy that dad is looking so well and for a second I forget why im in the room and I enjoy the picture and then I look around and I remember and I leave.

A friend visits and asks me how I am and I just stare and I wonder why they don't know how I am and why I dont know how I am and I wished they'd never asked such a difficult question so I feign a smile and say im fine or im ok or im sad or I sigh.

Then I close my eyes because Im so tired and I cant go on anymore and my body is fading and I hope ill dream of dad and have a few hours with him before morning comes and I wake up and I remember that it was only a dream and he really is gone.

Comments for Day 30

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Feb 21, 2014
Dear Anonymous,
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to you and I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father over a year ago now, and I still cannot believe that he is gone. I have managed to somehow get through to the other side of my grief, and you will too. My life is forever changed, and I am not the same person that I once was, but I manage to go on. Take your time, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. His love is with you always. I hope you find some peace in the days ahead, it is so, so hard, but time will slowly ease your pain. I know how you feel, Barb

Feb 21, 2014
to Day 30/loss of your Dad
by: Elisa

I feel your pain, and I literally have gotten physically sick, nervous, etc. since my husband of 44 years passed away. I miss him every second, I exist,only, and I have no children, so I am virtually alone, all day, I wander our home looking, but not looking. I too cannot look at pictures, but sometimes when I do, I put them down. I have tons of pictures of our 46 years together-married 44, and I can't look at them or put them into albums. A lot of them are loose. I just looked at pictures of him when he was well in front of our christmas tree, then another picture of his last Christmas when he begged me to put up the tree--he put it up, weak as he was, and I gave in to letting him after he said, "It will be my last tree."

My heart hurts, no one understands, and I really don't want to go on any more without him. We did everything together, and it's all gone, over.

I truly feel your pain and sorrow.

Love, Elisa

Feb 21, 2014
Day 30
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad. You are in the first stages of raw grief when we feel our world upside down and confusion sets in and many of us say the same thing. "Did this really happen?" "Did dad really die or am I dreaming?" This is such a confusing time and we feel as if we are in Limbo. It is like being in a strange land, rather like waking up from sleep and wondering what day it is and where we are. You describe so well what grief feels like. As if there has been an explosion in your life and you are all over the place. This is how I felt also when I lost my husband 21 months ago to cancer. I couldn't function for 6 months. Only then was I able to tackle one job a day and built on this. I feel as if I have regressed to those early months. Because I feel my grief more and it hurts.
Take one day at a time. Only do what you need to do. If this is nothing, then you just do that. You won't always feel like this. It is such a confusing time of mixed emotions, tiredness, lack of sleep, aches and pains in the body. etc. To lose a loved one is THE worst experience of life. I go to God and let Him know how bad I feel and how come it hurts so bad that we can't remove that pain. We don't know what to do with ourselves and how to handle each day. Knowing that you are not the only person that feels this way will help you cope better. Each day that passes you will feel a little stronger. If you are not able to sleep see your doctor for help here. If you find yourself struggling with grief then see a CRUSE bereavement counsellor for support. They will help take the edge off the grief till you are able to cope with your loss. I wish you better days ahead.

Feb 20, 2014
day 30...
by: Lilly

My heart goes to you.. I lost my mother last Friday, I am still in shock, just going through the motions..

And crying and sobbing non stop ..
I totally understand how you feel..

Losing a parent has to be the most heart breaking thing that can happen to any of us..
Sending you an Angel to ease your pain..

Let yourself go, grieve don't hold back. God bless you and look after you.. xxxxxx

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