Dead Husband but still here in Body

by Jen
(South Africa)

I met my husband as a teenager, young and innocent, married at 22. Had our daughter at 23, had my son at 24. And my last son at 26.This was the best time of my life and i would never chosen anyone at the birth table.We had so much trouble, financially etc...and it felt he was slipping away daily from me.Life and work was just more intresting out there than coming home to a sick, tired depressed woman. All i ever wanted was that YOU told me you loved me and that we could get through it all. All my dreams were shattered. But I am still building new ones at 30, and I tell myself daily that i know i tried hard enough, iam good enough.And I will enjoy my life without you. When I dream about YOU, it was the person you were. I loved that one, I dislike the new one. Its as if some horrible man climbed into my husband and I cant get him out your body....You are dead to me. But I have to be reminded by you -seeing you.

Another man walked into my life adoring, worshipping the floor I walk on. And he is everything i always wanted. My King, and me His Queen.

But why wasnt it you??
Why couldnt you fight the depression with me, why couldnt you fight for ME?

Comments for Dead Husband but still here in Body

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Jul 12, 2012
Dead Husband but still here in Body
by: Doreen U.K.

Jen it is my greatest pleasure on this website to be supportive and serve others. It was and is a pleasure to serve you.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Feeling you failed. God is not finished with us yet and he still has a work to do in all our lives to get us to where he wants us to be before he comes back for us. We are like a tapestry. On the underside is all the rough knotted threads. On the right side is the beautiful finished tapestry. When we go through trials and adversity. This is the rough threads on the tapestry. When we come through adversity we are like the finished tapestry. This is what God is developing in us. don't worry about your failures and shorttcomings in your life. WE all have them. God is working this out. Just focus on Him and let God take care of the rest. God is developing all of us into what he wants us to be. This is the work of a lifetime. Your journey is not over till God says so. He is watching over you always. Be Happy. Be Blessed!

Jul 12, 2012
Dear Doreen UK
by: Jen

Dear Doreen
I feel so happy that you answered me in such a beautiful manner, and I truelly sobbed reading your response. And I truelly admire you for standing with your husband till death bed. My mom always taught me that you put your own feelings aside and SERVE like Jesus served us. But thats were I feel I failed. I believe this but I just couldnt anymore- it was changing me from the inside, into something i didnt recognise. I know God forgave me, and I constantly remind myself that I will forgive myself but i just dont seem to beable to.
Coming back to Steve, I think you have done a great job at being there for your husband. You did everything Jesus would have done. You loved him -no matter what....that is so admirable. I do however believe what you say 'early experiences in childhood' does effect the way you react to for instance your partner. Even when one goes to counselling one doesnt always get to the root of things untill it explodes in your face!!! But we must choose to see Beauty, and most definitely LOVE and appreciate the ones we care for...Life on earth is short and i want you to know I appreciate you taking the time to replying to me. It means alot.

Jul 11, 2012
Dead Husband but still here in Body
by: Doreen U.K.

Jen I am sorry for your loss of your relationship with your husband. The man you loved deeply and who didn't love you back the way you needed or wanted. Often in life we get the man we wanted but he isn't everything we need. I learned early in life that often we expect too much. No one person can meet all our needs. Often when we have not had our needs met when growing up. We marry and expect our husband to meet all our needs and then we get disappointed. Disillusioned. It also said that if a man meets his wife's needs and she fulfills the same for her husband each get what they want. That is the IDEAL. But it isn't reality. Many people get disappointed. Things don't turn out as they expected. My husband went through this mid life crisis when he wanted to walk away. I was devastated. He stayed and we were together 44years before he died 8 weeks ago from cancer. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days. He knew he was loved deeply by me. He said he didn't know what he would have done without me caring for him. It was an honour and privelege to serve him and care for him. What I always wanted to do. I cried and broke my heart because I don't get to care for Steve anymore now he is gone. I couldn't live without my husband. he didn't meet my needs due to his working life and him not always being at home. But when he came home I made it the best I could for him and the children. Because Steve was away from home due to work. I did a lot of crying as I missed him. When he is due to retire and we have the rest of our lives to do what we want. HE DIES. This is a huge part of my anger from my grief.
I had the man I LOVED and I tried to fulfull his needs as best as I could. THAT WAS MY NEED. To Love and Serve him. But now he has gone I do have time to reflect and perhaps grieve a little for the things that were missing. Like you it is pure GRIEF. As you say. SHATTERED DREAMS. You got what you needed. But it was not from the man you wanted it from. This hurts and it echoes what a lot of women feel. Steve changed after he got cancer. But he changed more after having encephalitis in 2005. this disease causes short term memory loss. His personality changed. it was like being with a stranger. I hated it. I am now also at death grieving the man I lost due to illness. I had to embrace what life gave me and work with it to the best of my ability. It is in the next life that what I did here will be perfected when Jesus comes back for us. Our eternal HOPE. I am Happy for you finding a man who is everything to you. Build on this and don't live in the shadows of your ex husband who couldn't be that person. Grieve it. Put it to rest. Be Happy. Best wishes

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