Dealing with many "Firsts" after Death of my Mom

by Tina in Chicago

This past month I went through a lot of "firsts." My first birthday without my Mom, our first celebration of my grandson's birthday without my Mom and my first Thanksgiving without my Mom. But the first Christmas without my Mom seems by far the worst of all. I have not decorated the yard or the house. We plan to put up the tree this weekend; and shopping has been so limited. I can't bear the thought that when I put up that tree she won't be sitting there watching me and my grandkids do it. She won't be sitting there when I ask "how does it look?" I won't hear her say "it looks good." She won't be there at Midnight Christmas Eve when we open our gifts. I won't be able to see her face when I give her her gift, oh my God I won't be giving her a gift!! I won't be able to hear her ask everyone to let her see their gift. Oh my God, I don't know how I will get through that day. I am just so sad and hurt by the thought of it. Yet, I know she will be there.
The house will be filled with her love and memories of her. I pray that I can feel her presence in that moment. I cry for all the things we will never share even though that day has not arrived. But when it does, I will force myself to remember the moments we did share at Christmas, the laughs, the jokes, the food, the sheer joy and conversations; and most of all the LOVE. I will honor her request to go on with my life when Christmas comes; and THAT IS HOW I WILL GET THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I LOVE YOU MOM, AND I MISS YOU SO, SO MUCH.

Comments for Dealing with many "Firsts" after Death of my Mom

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Dec 18, 2014
Feel the same
by: Anonymous

I recently lost my mother, my heart seems to shatter into a million pieces everyday. I find myself crying while driving to and from work. Trying to put a good front on at my home, so I feel I really do not have any time for myself to grieve. I know that her loss will be with me forever and her memories I will always hold dear, but it was refreshing to read of your trials and tribulations with the loss of your mother. Mostly that I am not alone in this journey. My Mom taught love, strength, and to continue to go on with my head held high. I know that she is smiling down on us knowing she taught us well. But the pain of not having here with me is too much. I dread the coming holidays, but I will do my best for my Grandchildren, for I never want them to remember her with pain. They loved their GIGI.
May each of us find the strength to smile on Christmas and reflect on all our happy memories.

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Dec 17, 2012
2nd Christmas without Mom
by: Tina from Chicago

This is my second Xmas without my Mom,and the tree is not up. Shopping is limited again. Friends are few. I still cry, just not every day anymore. I miss my Mom more than I tell anyone. I miss having someone tell me it will be OK. I miss having someone tell me to forget this person or that person for wrongs they visit upon me or even perceived wrongs. I miss having someone I can tell everything to and not feel less loved because of it. I miss the person who loves me the most. I miss her silent strength that I received just by her being in the same room. I don't trust my own judgment and have made some bad financial decisions since my Mom died. I never did before. But still I am doing OK, I am living life, enjoying some days and dreading others; laughing some days and crying others. But I am building a new way of living and it is better!!!! I know it does not sound as if it is better but it is. I have come to understand this grief thing as a process from the time of loss until the day that I too die. In honor of my Mom, I live and go through this process; I MISS YOU MOM, I LOVE YOU MOM, I TRY TO HONOR YOU MOM ALWAYS

Dec 03, 2012
My first birthday/Christams/New years
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom 11 months ago. I was her caregiver for the last 4 1/2 years.
I thought I was beginning to do OK. Went to my brothers out of state for Thanksgiving...Now in 2 days it's going to be my first birthday without mom. I am suddenly a mess. I am griving all the years past, and all the good birthdays..that I jut want to hide..
I put out the Christmas decor but I suddenly can't turn it on. I know this isn't what mom would want, but I just can't stand to look at it. I don't know how I am going to get through the holidays ( 5 weeks) ..
I miss my mommy

Dec 26, 2011
I got through it!!!
by: Tina in Chicago

I started my Christmas day by going to church. A first for me since I don't know when, if ever. After church me and my daughter cooked and we all ate. My daughter's two girl friends that she calls her sisters came and spent the majority of the day with us just laughing and talking and doing silly text messages on their phones (ANOTHER FIRST).

All I can say now is that although I am going through my grief process on this blog, it doesn't all have to be about the pain of grief. Today I laughed, I lived and I had a couple a firsts that had everything to do with life and nothing to do with death or loss, and I was happy!!! I felt joy and hope and love and gratitude.

I learned today that NOT ONLY CAN WE SHARE OUR PAIN HERE, WE CAN SHARE OUR JOY WHEN IT ARRIVES.

God Bless and keep you all.

I LOVE YOU MOM, I MISS YOU TODAY, YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW; I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER

Dec 22, 2011
We put up the tree
by: Tina in Chicago

The tree is up. I made it through it. It was not the same but it was nice. "My daughter helped me." I was the one saying "it looks good." I smiled when I said it. Yet I was sad at the same time. My Grandkids decorated the walls. I just didn't have the energy. We put a pop up tree in the front yard. Our home feels like Christmas. I cry every day. I smile every day. I am in a bit of a fog every day (but not a full fog as before). I have memory loss every day. I feel lonely every day. Most of all I feel "so vulnerable." My rock is gone and no one can replace her, so I turn to God. Everyone else has moved on it seems. They don't call to ask how you are doing or if they do, they don't wait for any answers, signaling they don't really care. The sad part is that until I lost my Mom,I was probably one of those lousy friends to someone else. Although I like to think maybe I was better as I remember trying to be there.

My message here is life goes on. Although it will be in a much different way, we go on with it. At some point in time, we will all be OK.

Dec 22, 2011
Let's make a deal
by: Tina in Chicago

Dear Roz and unknown. I like the unknown writer's statement that she will be thinking of me on Xmas. Just knowing that brings me some sense of peace. So, let's make a deal. Let us agree right here and now that at 11am on Xmas day (Chicago time) we will say "I Love You" to our Mom's and then to each other (those who have lost loved ones). I know our Moms can hear us and I truly believe we would feel a moment of comfort from the knowledge that we are connected in this act at that moment. Does this sound crazy?" Is anyone in?

God has carried us this far and he is forever faithful and true.

Dec 20, 2011
I feel your grief!
by: Anonymous

I understand what you are saying. My mom just passed away the day before Thanksgiving, November 23, 2011 and I had been doing ok until this week. I think I was in denial up until then. I do not know how I am going to make it thru Christmas either. My mom lived with me for 10 years before she passed away and I cannot imaging Christmas without her. I will be praying and thinking about you this Christmas. We will get through this somehow.

Dec 18, 2011
Alone
by: Roxy

Dear Tina,I share your loss.My mom passed away two years ago and I feel like it was yesterday.
I sleep with her in my thoughts and i wake up with her in my mind.There is no joy or happiness on Christmas,New Year celebration without her.
But someone said: one breath,one step,another day,maybe for you work,for me doesn't.
Rox
Despite your loss and sadness I wish you Merry Christmas with the dearest persons from your life,
Rox

Dec 18, 2011
Alone
by: Roxy

Dear Tina,I share your loss.My mom passed away two years ago and I feel like it was yesterday.
I sleep with her in my thoughts and i wake up with her in my mind.There is no joy or happiness on Christmas,New Year celebration without her.
But someone said: one breath,one step,another day,maybe for you work,for me doesn't.
Rox
Despite your loss and sadness I wish you Merry Christmas with the dearest persons from your life,
Rox

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