Dealing with many "Firsts" after Death of my Mom

by Tina in Chicago

This past month I went through a lot of "firsts." My first birthday without my Mom, our first celebration of my grandson's birthday without my Mom and my first Thanksgiving without my Mom. But the first Christmas without my Mom seems by far the worst of all. I have not decorated the yard or the house. We plan to put up the tree this weekend; and shopping has been so limited. I can't bear the thought that when I put up that tree she won't be sitting there watching me and my grandkids do it. She won't be sitting there when I ask "how does it look?" I won't hear her say "it looks good." She won't be there at Midnight Christmas Eve when we open our gifts. I won't be able to see her face when I give her her gift, oh my God I won't be giving her a gift!! I won't be able to hear her ask everyone to let her see their gift. Oh my God, I don't know how I will get through that day. I am just so sad and hurt by the thought of it. Yet, I know she will be there.
The house will be filled with her love and memories of her. I pray that I can feel her presence in that moment. I cry for all the things we will never share even though that day has not arrived. But when it does, I will force myself to remember the moments we did share at Christmas, the laughs, the jokes, the food, the sheer joy and conversations; and most of all the LOVE. I will honor her request to go on with my life when Christmas comes; and THAT IS HOW I WILL GET THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I LOVE YOU MOM, AND I MISS YOU SO, SO MUCH.