Dealing with my Dad's Girlfriend!

My father has been dating this one woman three months after my mother passed away from Ovarian Cancer. I'm trying to get along with her but she is so opinionated. First she tells my father how to eat and dress and now she's telling me that I need to lose weight. The last straw was when she told me that I shouldn't take my nine year old son to New York for my mom's unveiling. I try to keep my distance and not to listen to her, but I just learned that on the return trip home (which is a three hour flight), my Dad has to stay in New York for business and I will be traveling alone with her and my son. I'm worried about how I'm going to get along with her. At least in New York, we'll be with family so I won't have to deal with her too much. I want to like her and I'm trying to but lately, she's been pissing me off. It's hard enough seeing my father with another woman, but this would be easier if this was someone I could tolerate.

What should I do?

Thanks!

Comments for Dealing with my Dad's Girlfriend!

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Jul 06, 2014
Sending sympathy...
by: Ella

Just a note to send best wishes to you, Anonymous, as you navigate the minefield of parental partner choices.

It would seem that loneliness and desperation blind people to the dangers and faults of their new romantic interest. It is particularly the case with men that they seem to lose good sense.

You seem to have tried to be open and fair. If she has no conversation then hopefully your father will see that too, once the novelty wears off.

I had a horrible time personally. However, another member of my family divorced and remarried. His new wife is absolutely lovely and is loved by all including his children/her stepchildren. If I had to design a stepmom she would be it.

For those of us not so lucky I can only send support and understanding of the difficulties you face and hope that things will be resolved for the good.

Jul 06, 2014
insidious
by: Anonymous

My Dad took up with this woman barely a year after my Mom died suddenly. I so wanted to be open minded to the idea, and had no intention of comparing her to my Mom because she is not my Mom. I tried to get to know her but she can't carry a conversation. Then I started finding out weird things about her (restraining order on her ex husband) and all kinds of things. My Dad's friends don't like her but they complain to me instead of telling him. She is ruining our family dynamic and it authentically sucks...she is horrible and I think she would boil a bunny if she had the chance.

Jul 12, 2013
I feel your pain!
by: Ella

Dear Sarah,
I am so sorry you are having so much to deal with at such a young age!
You can read my story in the previous postings. It took several(3, I think) to write it all down!

Let me assure you that you are not a terrible person at all. You have had the heartache of losing your mother and then life compounded your grief by your father's behavior. If his choices were lovely, kind and giving women it would still be terrible for you. In my circumstances which occurred decades ago my father also chose unwisely. He died 18 months ago just less than a month after his partner. The relationship blighted my life. I became the best actress in the world and tried to pretend so well, that my sister told me years later that she thought I liked her!

The fact you are a dependent makes it all the more difficult and I empathize because I was in the same situation myself but a long time ago.

It was an issue for me from the age of 13 until I was 47. All I can say is your feelings of dislike are natural. The speed would be an issue even if your father had chosen a lovely person. It is worse because he makes the same error again.

I don't know where you are with regard to work or college. I made friends who saw me through and then a loving husband. I predict if you haven't heard it yet that people will say things like "Well your Dad has to move on with his life and you should be happy for him." They speak this way because they don't know any better and they are not in the same position you are.They mean well even if it will not make you feel any better.

My advise then would be this. Work hard at whatever you do. Try to get the best education you can or the best job. That will bring independence. Try to be polite if you can, but recognize that if you are feeling angry that does not make you a bad person; you are having a lot of difficulties to deal with and are doing your best!

Surround yourself with a good support network of friends and family who will listen to you without judging. If you are in education you could try speaking to a member of staff or counsellor.

Take every bit of help and support you can as you may need it. Remember this is not a problem of your making. You sound like a lovely young person who is respectful, non-confrontational and decent. I had a terrible time in your situation so please find a friend. Someone who won't be able to sort things out but will listen and give you the courage you need. Sending best wishes to you for your future and believe me when I say I have had all the emotions you have had. I maintained my relationship with my Dad until the end of his life and nursed him at the end. My conscience is clear. He made bad life choices and never really suffered the consequences. Life is not always fair but it sounds as though like me you are doing your best!

Jul 11, 2013
Am I wrong?
by: Sarah

My mom passed away when I was 18. Exactly a month later my dad's new girlfriend moved in with her little daughter of 3 years. In the ensuing three years we went through all kinds. I wasn't allowed to grieve for my mother, my father moved us away from all of our family and doesn't allow contact, he married the woman, regardless of my pleading him not to and they ended up divorced 6 months later, after he eventually found out that she was declared mentally unstable and unfit after her previous (2nd) marriage. Needless to say, after all this I had no relationship with my dad and I was so fed up of being involved in his love life, I vowed never to get into that position ever again. I just wanted to stay out of it. But it seems his new girlfriend has no love for me either. We are very different people and our views and personalities clash. She's controlling and she can be very vindictive. But my dad doesn't seem to see past the thin layer of sugar coating she covers it with. Surely he should after his previous ordeal? They've broken up so many times. She humiliates him publicly each time and stil he crawls back to her. I don't understand it. I think he deserves someone that really makes him happy. I have no problem being pleasant and civil to her but the two of us just don't get along and that seems to upset my dad. He gets angry with me because I don't like her and I don't really want to spend any more time with her than is necessary. It feels unfair because I've never been rude to her. Am I wrong though? Do I have an obligation towards my dad to sincerely like whomever he dates? Things are a little complicated because I'm still dependent on my dad financially as well. I can't really risk him being upset with me, so standing up for myself is not an option. I just want reassurance that not liking someone doesn't make me a terrible person. I could really use some advice. I have no one I can talk to about this. Thank you very much.

Jan 23, 2013
Still Dealing with Dad's Girlfriend
by: Ilana

It's been two years since they started dating and now my Dad dropped a bomb on me. They are moving in together! I told Dad I didn't think they were that serious. He said "We've been dating two years, what did you think would happen?" Well not this? I admitted to my Dad that although I liked his girlfriend and was happy that he found someone to make him happy, I didn't appreciate her comments to me about me being fat and needing to lose weight. He admitted to me that he didn't like her comments either and would say something to her. I was finally able to go to New York to visit my mother's gravesite over Thanksgiving. It did make me feel better. I am still grieving, even after two and a half years, but I'm dealing with it better.

Jan 21, 2013
Sometimes no solutions!
by: Ella

My Father died on 29th January last year, his companion on the 1st January. They died apart. She refused to accept her diagnosis of bowel cancer and died at her home with her family around her. My Father was diagnosed on 20th of January with prostate cancer and died in his home with his family around him; never knowing his diagnosis, only 9 days later. She never told him she had cancer- just stopped seeing him. Nurses came into both homes and helped with care,neither wanted to go into hospital.The families on both sides stayed in the home to take care of their loved one.
He would have loved and supported her with his dying breath but they died apart relying on the families they had at times ill-treated.
Her daughter told me her mother was capable of being kind and as a nurse she even continued visiting the bereaved husbands of those she had taken care of. I'm afraid it is evident to me that when my mother died when I was a 13 year old and she began the relationship immediately(she was staying-over 10 weeks later) it was her plan and she was on the hunt. She had known my mother while they were children at school but had moved away from the area.She offered a shoulder to cry on. My father was clearly the first fish that took the bait.I loved my Dad but the relationship ruined 35 years of my life.Sometimes there are no happy endings and no solutions and you muddle on as best you can, but there are scars that just won't heal. It is a clash of rights versus responsibilities to existing relationships.Good luck to all going through this; it is hellish. Usually, it is the family that ends up bending until break-point and to the outside world it is they who are being unreasonable. If I had a dollar for everyone who told me that it was just a stepmother- type of thing and that it was only because it was so quick.My husband thought so too until he got to know her and the situation. There really are people who make the world a better place and conversely there are those that don't. If you don't believe me then it is probably because you have never been in such a situation!

Jan 20, 2013
just read it
by: Anonymous

I don't know what to tell you but my mum died 5 years ago and my dad married this other woman 3 weeks ago and I really love her she is nice and she understands me just like I understand her. You have to try to understand her to I mean shes dating a man who has a daughter that's pretty tough because well you and all your family have to be happy with this new person but it's not easy for her to please everybody on that family maybe shes trying to change the way your dad dresses because she doesn't like it so what? you tell ur boyfriend that you don't like something he wore too what I am trying to sa is that it is hard for you but it's also hard for her can you imagine yourself dating a man whose woman died and has a daughter? just try to put yourself in her place you'll realize shes not that bad

Jun 29, 2012
I know
by: Taylorbroadway

I think since my dad meet his girl it's been very hard and I really don't like her she calls me fat. And says I need to lose weight all the time she has really drove a wedge between me and my dad to where he is blinded by love. And so I pretty much have nothing to do with him and so u just gotta let it go in one ear and out the other. That's what I do and go by this saying what doesn't kill u makes u stronger take care of your child and u and if u need me I am here my dad is getting married Saturday so I know how it goes..
Thanks taylorb

Nov 06, 2011
part3
by: Ella

PART 3


Life has been a living nightmare and I am thinking i should have cut off ties with him when I was younger. The pain of losing Mum, the vileness of his woman friend and the fact he has allowed this to go on has blighted my life. I should have emigrated before he was old. I resent the fact that even now she is ruling the roost even when she drops him and takes no responsibility. He believes that because they never married she doesn't owe him anything but we do!
When I was 13 after losing Mum and him beginning this relationship I went through a terrible time. I had bad exam results. My hair started to fall out. I was approaching anorexia although never saw a doctor. I overdosed.
To explain how bad she was and that Dad knew the type of woman she was by then I will tell you what he said. "Next time do a proper job" and "Whatever you do never tell her what you have done." He knew full well that he would be mocked for having a weakling for a daughter.
I wish I could be more helpful but this is how life has played out for me. Married 25 years with two daughters I cannot imagine how people could be so callous to the sufferings of a child. It makes me weep to think of how it would be for my daughters to have gone through it.
All I can say is protect your children. The consequences of jumping the first woman who makes a play are horrendous and affect all generations. I think I would have made different choices if I had been older and maybe things would never have been so bad. This vile woman was imposed on us at a time of trauma. She has been allowed to direct our lives from behind the scenes from the start. Until she assaulted my sister she had been banned from my sister and my homes several times. We'd relent for my father. He will say "I feel so sorry for her because no one likes her and she can't help the way she is." He couldn't care about the carnage she leaves in her wake.
Good luck but if you have to part ways I for one won't judge you. He has made his choice and for your own self-preservation and for the protection of the next generation he may have to lie in the bed he has made.
I hope you have the strength get through this time. The grief I have suffered over the loss of my Mother has lasted me a lifetime. There is no healing as they pour salt in wounds by their ongoing behaviour. See it for what it is- HE CHOSE HER!He will have to live with the damage he is doing to his relationship with his family due to his selfishness. He is the only one with a choice here. The only choice such people have is to walk away.

Nov 06, 2011
Part 2
by: Ella

PART 2


It was once a consolation that at least he wouldn't face old age alone but this is what is happening. He had a stroke 3 years ago and although we warned him to come and live at our home he once again chose her. She ended up assaulting my sister. He was allowed a small bag of personal possessions and came to be told that he shouldn't get mail or cards sent to her home.
We concluded it was not safe to visit as he did nothing to support my sister and even said he did not know who started it.
After a year my sister was asked to come immediately and pick him up. Park down the road and don't speak to her as she didn't want the neighbours to see her kicking him out! This occured twice before he moved out for good. She goes 3 weeks without visiting him. She may call and pick him up(she is 90 and still drives) we never know if and when she is coming and going even if we ask for the courtesy of being told as my sister and I share visiting and taking care ofT him. We are told "This is how we work things". We don't know how long he may be away, if she is visiting, when he returns. We just get a phone call to say "I'm back home".
We are treated like dirt and he allows her to behave appallingly towards us and her own family too. With no restraints she is a vile woman. Some years ago before the stroke he was staying with her and was ill. I phoned daily to see how he was and one day she told me in no uncertain terms that phoning everyday was stressing her out. I said I would phone when I liked. She unplugged the phone so I couldn't contact him(we bought him a cell phone the next day)He said he was angry and went home but returned the next day because he had said he would fit a light for her.
When I was 16 I went to live with my sister as she is married and is 20 years older than me. His girlfriend moved in as she retired and moved house and he lived the life of 2 volatile singles.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 3

Nov 06, 2011
It's not got any better after 35 years...
by: Ella

Hi, I feel your pain. I lost my Mum when I was only 13 .Within days an old school friend from outside the area was offering a shoulder to cry on. 10 weeks later she was staying in the house in a full blown relationship. My father told us he had the right to do as he pleased as he had the right to move on after Mum died. Excruciating insensitivities included; putting out a guest towel for me,bumping into my father sneaking between rooms when I was using the bathroom, visits to Mum's grave arm in arm with me walking paces behind- If I wanted to visit it had to be with them.
She was and is a vile woman and nothing like my Mother. She would do nothing for anyone and offends and hurts everyone she knows. Her own son-in-law would not even enter her house for years due to her behaviour. She never sticks to commitments. She rants and bullies and is unkind. She told me when I had my final wedding dress fitting "You're not getting married in that are you with those spots on your back?" Another time "I had never noticed what fat arms you have." She is completely self absorbed and for 35 years my father has fawned and fussed over her every whim. They do have separate homes although they lived in our house for several years. Over the years she has tested his allegiance to his family and she has always won. She would love a complete split except we are useful now Dad had a stroke and she won't do anything for him. Recently on a hospital trip when he would be returning the following day he asked who would be taking him i.e myself or my sister and I said me unless his partner would like to take him. "Oh no,"he said "she wouldn't like to do it as she doesn't like waiting around in hospitals!"

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2

Jul 06, 2011
Back from NY
by: Ilana

Well it turned out that I didn't have to worry because my Dad's gf decided to remain in New York because my Dad got sick.

Even though I had a great time with the family, I was upset that I didn't get to go to my mother's grave because my Dad collapsed on the NY subway the day before the unveiling and was rushed to the hospital. He's doing better, but the family thought it was best to cancel the unveiling because my Dad needed to be there. I'm upset, but I know that my mother would want us to take care of Dad first. I'm hoping there will be another chance for me to fly up to NY to go to my mom's grave.

Jun 28, 2011
I appreciate all of the responses!
by: Ilana

Some of these are great ideas, which I wish I could implement, but I can't change my flight because this is a small airport and there are limited flights. I have to be at work the next morning so extending my vacation is out of the question. I decided to try to ignore her and concentrate more on my son who will be flying with us. I thought about talking to my Dad about this, but we are on shaky ground and I don't want to alienate him. As it is, his priority is with her and I seem to take a back seat lately. It's a hard thing to accept, but I'm trying to accept that this is my reality now. My parents raised me to believe that I could always rely on them, but my Dad is making it so I can't rely on him anymore. Yes, I'm 41 years old but there are issues that I still need him for. I don't like the way he seems to be acting towards me, but obviously I need to accept this.

Jun 27, 2011
Keep it simple
by: annie

Deal with one thing at a time.
To handle the flight home there are options--
Change your flight. No explanation needed.
Stay longer to visit with relatives.
Change your seat assignment.
Do not involve your Dad in your relationship with the girlfriend. Do not defend your Dad. Let him deal with her in his own way. When her behavior is directed toward you state simply your needs, wants, boundaries. Practice your response so that you maintain your dignity and speak only for yourself. Always treat the girlfriend with respect regardless of her behavior toward you or anyone else. If she steps over a boundary let her know respectfully.
Let your father know you love him. Ask to spend time alone with him. Recall good memories with him. Be open to engaging in shared interests and activities even if the girlfriend comes along. Let him know you need him as a father. Remember this girlfriend may be a passing thing or she may be around a long time. Either way the important thing is the bond you have with your father--even if he has forgotten the bond he has with you.
Spend time with your grief for your Mom. If possible get counseling so you can get to know your own heart and get support for this very difficult journey.

Jun 26, 2011
Be real with yourself
by: Tina in Chicago

There would never be any woman you could tolerate being with your Dad this soon after your Mom's dying (period). What makes this so hard is that this woman is an incredibly "insecure" and "insensitive" piece of work. Buy yourself an audio book that you have been dying to read and haven't found the time. Close your eyes and listen to it, tuning her out as much as possible. Think about your wonderful Mom and some of the most enjoyable times you spent with her and your child. Don't let this woman get under your skin. Honor your Mom and ignore this fool.

Jun 22, 2011
Dealing With It
by: judith in California

Dear Ilana, you get to choose the words you use and the tone . Just tell him you love him and that while you don't mind him dating this woman and you hope he is happy that you prefer she not try and control your life. If you need her help you will ask for it but until then she is to respect you as a woman who can make her own choices for you and your son.

I know your mother would want you to learn to stand up for yourself . It's a growth experience that will set you free. Your Dad must respect you as a grown woman and mother not just his little girl. You could tell him that too.

If you don't do this you will be unhappy as long as she is around and become a target of her control.

You need to set boundaries, which everyone has or should have.People should be informed when they cross them.

Good Luck Ilana.

It's funny the word below is cacoon. Like it's saying Ilana come out of that shell.

Jun 21, 2011
I'm afraid if I tell my dad how I feel...
by: Ilana

I will alienate him. We are on shaky ground as it is. We don't have the father/daughter type of relationship that I always anticipated we would have, especially now that mom's gone.

I don't think he was seeing this woman before mom died because he started asking me about online dating around the time he met this woman. I recommended Jdate for him and he took my advice and that is where he met this woman. He even showed me pictures of women he was interested in before he chose this one.

Jun 21, 2011
Dad's Girlfriend
by: Judith in California

This is what you will do. You have to nip it in the bud now! Don't let another minute go by with her thinking she can take charge of your life. You will stand up for yourself and tell her woman to woman just how you feel and as for her telling you what you should or shouldn't do...tell her you're a grown woman and will decide what is best for you and your child. Tell her that she may want to control your Dad but she will certainly not control you. But your Dad should be telling her she can only control herself and should. Maybe your Dad is vulnerable now and will see the light. Did your mother control him? if not, then why would he be drawn to this type of woman now?

Also talk with your Dad and tell him how you feel too.

I can't believe your dad seeing someone else after only 3 months of your Mom's passing. Was he seeing her before she passed? It sure is pause for thought.

Always stand up for yourself.

Good luck. Let us know what happened.

Jun 20, 2011
change
by: Brenda

We all come from other places in life sometime people take it to a control level. Ask her why is she the way she is, confront your enemies.

have you heard that old saying KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.

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