My father has been dating this one woman three months after my mother passed away from Ovarian Cancer. I'm trying to get along with her but she is so opinionated. First she tells my father how to eat and dress and now she's telling me that I need to lose weight. The last straw was when she told me that I shouldn't take my nine year old son to New York for my mom's unveiling. I try to keep my distance and not to listen to her, but I just learned that on the return trip home (which is a three hour flight), my Dad has to stay in New York for business and I will be traveling alone with her and my son. I'm worried about how I'm going to get along with her. At least in New York, we'll be with family so I won't have to deal with her too much. I want to like her and I'm trying to but lately, she's been pissing me off. It's hard enough seeing my father with another woman, but this would be easier if this was someone I could tolerate.
Life has been a living nightmare and I am thinking i should have cut off ties with him when I was younger. The pain of losing Mum, the vileness of his woman friend and the fact he has allowed this to go on has blighted my life. I should have emigrated before he was old. I resent the fact that even now she is ruling the roost even when she drops him and takes no responsibility. He believes that because they never married she doesn't owe him anything but we do! When I was 13 after losing Mum and him beginning this relationship I went through a terrible time. I had bad exam results. My hair started to fall out. I was approaching anorexia although never saw a doctor. I overdosed. To explain how bad she was and that Dad knew the type of woman she was by then I will tell you what he said. "Next time do a proper job" and "Whatever you do never tell her what you have done." He knew full well that he would be mocked for having a weakling for a daughter. I wish I could be more helpful but this is how life has played out for me. Married 25 years with two daughters I cannot imagine how people could be so callous to the sufferings of a child. It makes me weep to think of how it would be for my daughters to have gone through it. All I can say is protect your children. The consequences of jumping the first woman who makes a play are horrendous and affect all generations. I think I would have made different choices if I had been older and maybe things would never have been so bad. This vile woman was imposed on us at a time of trauma. She has been allowed to direct our lives from behind the scenes from the start. Until she assaulted my sister she had been banned from my sister and my homes several times. We'd relent for my father. He will say "I feel so sorry for her because no one likes her and she can't help the way she is." He couldn't care about the carnage she leaves in her wake. Good luck but if you have to part ways I for one won't judge you. He has made his choice and for your own self-preservation and for the protection of the next generation he may have to lie in the bed he has made. I hope you have the strength get through this time. The grief I have suffered over the loss of my Mother has lasted me a lifetime. There is no healing as they pour salt in wounds by their ongoing behaviour. See it for what it is- HE CHOSE HER!He will have to live with the damage he is doing to his relationship with his family due to his selfishness. He is the only one with a choice here. The only choice such people have is to walk away.
Part 2 by: Ella
PART 2
It was once a consolation that at least he wouldn't face old age alone but this is what is happening. He had a stroke 3 years ago and although we warned him to come and live at our home he once again chose her. She ended up assaulting my sister. He was allowed a small bag of personal possessions and came to be told that he shouldn't get mail or cards sent to her home. We concluded it was not safe to visit as he did nothing to support my sister and even said he did not know who started it. After a year my sister was asked to come immediately and pick him up. Park down the road and don't speak to her as she didn't want the neighbours to see her kicking him out! This occured twice before he moved out for good. She goes 3 weeks without visiting him. She may call and pick him up(she is 90 and still drives) we never know if and when she is coming and going even if we ask for the courtesy of being told as my sister and I share visiting and taking care ofT him. We are told "This is how we work things". We don't know how long he may be away, if she is visiting, when he returns. We just get a phone call to say "I'm back home". We are treated like dirt and he allows her to behave appallingly towards us and her own family too. With no restraints she is a vile woman. Some years ago before the stroke he was staying with her and was ill. I phoned daily to see how he was and one day she told me in no uncertain terms that phoning everyday was stressing her out. I said I would phone when I liked. She unplugged the phone so I couldn't contact him(we bought him a cell phone the next day)He said he was angry and went home but returned the next day because he had said he would fit a light for her. When I was 16 I went to live with my sister as she is married and is 20 years older than me. His girlfriend moved in as she retired and moved house and he lived the life of 2 volatile singles.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 3
It's not got any better after 35 years... by: Ella
Hi, I feel your pain. I lost my Mum when I was only 13 .Within days an old school friend from outside the area was offering a shoulder to cry on. 10 weeks later she was staying in the house in a full blown relationship. My father told us he had the right to do as he pleased as he had the right to move on after Mum died. Excruciating insensitivities included; putting out a guest towel for me,bumping into my father sneaking between rooms when I was using the bathroom, visits to Mum's grave arm in arm with me walking paces behind- If I wanted to visit it had to be with them. She was and is a vile woman and nothing like my Mother. She would do nothing for anyone and offends and hurts everyone she knows. Her own son-in-law would not even enter her house for years due to her behaviour. She never sticks to commitments. She rants and bullies and is unkind. She told me when I had my final wedding dress fitting "You're not getting married in that are you with those spots on your back?" Another time "I had never noticed what fat arms you have." She is completely self absorbed and for 35 years my father has fawned and fussed over her every whim. They do have separate homes although they lived in our house for several years. Over the years she has tested his allegiance to his family and she has always won. She would love a complete split except we are useful now Dad had a stroke and she won't do anything for him. Recently on a hospital trip when he would be returning the following day he asked who would be taking him i.e myself or my sister and I said me unless his partner would like to take him. "Oh no,"he said "she wouldn't like to do it as she doesn't like waiting around in hospitals!"
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2
Back from NY by: Ilana
Well it turned out that I didn't have to worry because my Dad's gf decided to remain in New York because my Dad got sick.
Even though I had a great time with the family, I was upset that I didn't get to go to my mother's grave because my Dad collapsed on the NY subway the day before the unveiling and was rushed to the hospital. He's doing better, but the family thought it was best to cancel the unveiling because my Dad needed to be there. I'm upset, but I know that my mother would want us to take care of Dad first. I'm hoping there will be another chance for me to fly up to NY to go to my mom's grave.
I appreciate all of the responses! by: Ilana
Some of these are great ideas, which I wish I could implement, but I can't change my flight because this is a small airport and there are limited flights. I have to be at work the next morning so extending my vacation is out of the question. I decided to try to ignore her and concentrate more on my son who will be flying with us. I thought about talking to my Dad about this, but we are on shaky ground and I don't want to alienate him. As it is, his priority is with her and I seem to take a back seat lately. It's a hard thing to accept, but I'm trying to accept that this is my reality now. My parents raised me to believe that I could always rely on them, but my Dad is making it so I can't rely on him anymore. Yes, I'm 41 years old but there are issues that I still need him for. I don't like the way he seems to be acting towards me, but obviously I need to accept this.
Keep it simple by: annie
Deal with one thing at a time. To handle the flight home there are options-- Change your flight. No explanation needed. Stay longer to visit with relatives. Change your seat assignment. Do not involve your Dad in your relationship with the girlfriend. Do not defend your Dad. Let him deal with her in his own way. When her behavior is directed toward you state simply your needs, wants, boundaries. Practice your response so that you maintain your dignity and speak only for yourself. Always treat the girlfriend with respect regardless of her behavior toward you or anyone else. If she steps over a boundary let her know respectfully. Let your father know you love him. Ask to spend time alone with him. Recall good memories with him. Be open to engaging in shared interests and activities even if the girlfriend comes along. Let him know you need him as a father. Remember this girlfriend may be a passing thing or she may be around a long time. Either way the important thing is the bond you have with your father--even if he has forgotten the bond he has with you. Spend time with your grief for your Mom. If possible get counseling so you can get to know your own heart and get support for this very difficult journey.
Be real with yourself by: Tina in Chicago
There would never be any woman you could tolerate being with your Dad this soon after your Mom's dying (period). What makes this so hard is that this woman is an incredibly "insecure" and "insensitive" piece of work. Buy yourself an audio book that you have been dying to read and haven't found the time. Close your eyes and listen to it, tuning her out as much as possible. Think about your wonderful Mom and some of the most enjoyable times you spent with her and your child. Don't let this woman get under your skin. Honor your Mom and ignore this fool.
Dealing With It by: judith in California
Dear Ilana, you get to choose the words you use and the tone . Just tell him you love him and that while you don't mind him dating this woman and you hope he is happy that you prefer she not try and control your life. If you need her help you will ask for it but until then she is to respect you as a woman who can make her own choices for you and your son.
I know your mother would want you to learn to stand up for yourself . It's a growth experience that will set you free. Your Dad must respect you as a grown woman and mother not just his little girl. You could tell him that too.
If you don't do this you will be unhappy as long as she is around and become a target of her control.
You need to set boundaries, which everyone has or should have.People should be informed when they cross them.
Good Luck Ilana.
It's funny the word below is cacoon. Like it's saying Ilana come out of that shell.
I'm afraid if I tell my dad how I feel... by: Ilana
I will alienate him. We are on shaky ground as it is. We don't have the father/daughter type of relationship that I always anticipated we would have, especially now that mom's gone.
I don't think he was seeing this woman before mom died because he started asking me about online dating around the time he met this woman. I recommended Jdate for him and he took my advice and that is where he met this woman. He even showed me pictures of women he was interested in before he chose this one.
Dad's Girlfriend by: Judith in California
This is what you will do. You have to nip it in the bud now! Don't let another minute go by with her thinking she can take charge of your life. You will stand up for yourself and tell her woman to woman just how you feel and as for her telling you what you should or shouldn't do...tell her you're a grown woman and will decide what is best for you and your child. Tell her that she may want to control your Dad but she will certainly not control you. But your Dad should be telling her she can only control herself and should. Maybe your Dad is vulnerable now and will see the light. Did your mother control him? if not, then why would he be drawn to this type of woman now?
Also talk with your Dad and tell him how you feel too.
I can't believe your dad seeing someone else after only 3 months of your Mom's passing. Was he seeing her before she passed? It sure is pause for thought.
Always stand up for yourself.
Good luck. Let us know what happened.
change by: Brenda
We all come from other places in life sometime people take it to a control level. Ask her why is she the way she is, confront your enemies.
have you heard that old saying KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
