Dear God, Please Give Me Strength

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My Guardian Angel Watch over Billy

My Guardian Angel Watch over Billy

1 year 10 months and guess what? I'm still here....
Is it the second year that's most painful... it looks like it to me.
I find you in the shadow of my mind, floating along the edges of time and memories, wondering where you are and when you'll be here. But your not here. You were and now your gone. One day I'm OK and the next, a song on the radio, words spoken with friends and then a thought and your gone. Where does time start and when does it stop?
I have a place where I sleep, where I eat and some place to live in, is it a home, NO ~ home is where the heart is and my heart still belongs to Billy and he's not here.
How is one suppose to survive when the love of our lives, the beat of our hearts, my best friend is now gone. Who wrote the book of loss because I want to know the next steps to keep my sanity because its gone, our lives are gone.
I miss your smile, your laugh and the way you always teased me. I'm still lost without you, I'm still crying. My soul feels as if its being torn apart. I try to drink to forget but when you drink you can't forget so why even do it. I've cried an ocean of tears, wished upon every star but the pain of sorrow and heartache because your there and I'm here alone leave me exhausted, beaten and tired.
So very tired of being alone. Friends and family have come and gone but my life remains in turmoil and devastation leaving me wishing and wanting something I can no longer have in this life.
I know you wait for me but time here feels to long, so painful, me wanting you back, back to a life where we loved and lived together. Laughing, crying, fighting over stupid stuff. I can only ask once more as I did in that Hospital before the news of you came, Dear God, please give me the strength for whatever may come... So I ask again once more...
Please God, give me strength...
1 step, 1 breath at a time....

Comments for Dear God, Please Give Me Strength

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Nov 05, 2012
be still
by: Helen

Dear Patricia
Since my husband died November 2011 riddled with cancer after many months of suffering and no one bothered to check although he had bowel cancer and major surgery about 6 years before.
The first year as you say is strange so may tears so many strange thoughts , listening for the gate a John's home seeing him everywhere, he suffered at home when we moved in July last year and was only in this house about 3and a half months we cared for him not knowing he had cancer he had physio etc oh a weak back they said etc so much anger we ,children and I so much needless suffering and 3 weeks hospital doped up with morphine ageing so quickly even in hospital blood infection urine infection I won't go into all the mistakes even then,
I just want to say God is with you He has helped me so much yes we fall yes we cry yes we lose our direction relying on our strength, but believe me when I say His strength is what we need I could not have coped losing the most wonderful man I could ever have known I know that he believed and his soul sleeps with God until Jesus comes again which will be very soon keep His commandments honour the true Sabbath Saturday and believe in Our Lord pray and ask of Him and He will help you take each day as it comes.
I pray that you may find some comfort, I have but I still miss him with every breathe I take, it will not rally get better but your heart will feel peace cry if you have to do not keep it inside, tears are our humanity may God be with you

Apr 27, 2012
"thawing out"
by: rayolife

The first year you are still frozen with numbness, shock, disbelief. The 2nd year when you are beginning to "thaw", you realize this was not a nightmare, it's your "new reality", and it is HELL without your precious loved one. I am approaching my 4th year anniversary from the loss of my 28 year old wonderful young son, who bravely fought for our country in Iraq and Afghanistan, only to be crushed in a head on accident by a repeat DUI offender. I am still mad at God, the incompetent "criminal" justice system, and life in general. I just retired from public school teaching, a single lady who lives with her older drug addict son, scraping by in this pathetic US economy. What kind of reward is this for someone who always tried to serve others before herself? Isn't life just dandy? I guess God made it this way so we would want to go to heaven, huh?

Apr 25, 2012
Give Us All Strength.......Please
by: TrishJ

Isn't the second year hard???? For some reason I thought making it through the first year would instantly make me an official member of the "I Made It Through The First Year Club." I thought things would fall into place and I would begin the live my "new" life as I should. I don't like anything about this new life. It seems like I miss my old life more every day.
You are so right. Joe is always on the edges of my mind. I go through the grocery store and see all the things he loved that I don't buy anymore and it crushes my spirit. I go to get an oil change and all I think about is how he was so adamant about not letting the guys at Jiffy Lube talk him into things that weren't necessary.
He's everywhere. I have more good days than bad but I know now that it never leaves us. We do our best and hang in there.
Peace to you Pat. You have come a long way but we are both journeying where we don't want to be.

Apr 25, 2012
by: M Mack

Ahhhh.... Patricia I feel the heartache in your words. I am in the same rocky boat and nothing I can do about it. I also pray for strength and have the good and bad days - 1 year 9 months. I believe they are with us in fact I was cooking last week and alone thinking about My love. Suddenly out of nowhere I hear "hi". That was not my imagination, it was his voice. Once in a while, I need that to make the day, weeks, months. Look for signs, hearts in the clouds that disseminate after a moments glance, that song to you on the radio, or imagine him near you because he is around. Take comfort in the Lord, he will help too. Hugs and many prayers for all of us lost and alone and know what you are feeling is our path to the strength you search for.

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