Dear Mum

by trich
(auckland)

My mum died in February 2012...it was such a shock, although she had been ill with various things for years. I had just moved to New Zealand in September 2011 with my family of husband and 3 kids so i didnt get to say goodbye. I rushed home to the UK for the funeral and to be with my family. The weeks went in a blurr and then i returned to my kids and to start university the very next week. 3 months have passed, my life is busy; we have been adjusting to this new life, trying to get friends and groups for the kids, adjusting to new jobs ans study that i am no further along with my grief than i was on the flight over to her funeral. I miss her so much. I feel awful that i didnt see her and that she didnt get to speak to the kids. The last thing i said was i call you next week... the week got busy, i didnt call and next i heard, she was dead.
Having moved to a new country, i dont have any support here. No one that knows me well enough to ask how i am doing or invite a conversation about mum. She is in my thoughts constantly and sometimes i feel like i will explode. Well i did today which led me to here. My poor husband has had to deal with my nutty ups and downs, with exams and studying. I realised that, subconciously i blame him for me not being there when she died. We moved here mainly because of him...i was a little reluctant but thought it might eb a good opportunity. My main concern is, i am thinking about her all the time...the last time i saw her in the chapel of rest was a very surreal event. i have dreamt about her many times, some are not so good. I do have a councellor at university and have spoken to her a few times, it hasnt helped that much.
I wish i could be there for my dad and my brothers. That way, i could also receive their support. Although, my husband is happy for me to talk about Mum, i feel sometimes that he wokuld rather i didnt, as he is also overloaded due to me not having many people to talk to about this. Thats all i ahve to say for now...just that i hope that soon the pain will start to ease..that the picture in my head will not be so vivid and someday it will seem like it is all real.

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