Dearest Mom and Dad
I miss you both very much today. The picture of you both smiling is on my desk and comforts me, but also reminds me of the loss. I don't know how to live in this new reality. I want you to still be who you were, as you were. Who will I call to ask how to make a white sauce? Who will help me make financial decisions? And who will explain my car/lawn mower/toilet/ to me when they need repair?? I mean - really - truly - who will fill this place in my life?
I want to crawl under my desk and hide/sleep away the grief. But I have to smile, and answer the phone and be pleasant. I love you both so much. I'm so grateful for the time I spent with you this past year. It has been a gift from God, and hopefully you now know that I didn't resent it (much), and don't regret a minute - even the hard times! It was an honor.
I'll be stopping by your graves again today. I'll check on Butch and the grand parents and the Brandts. I'm keeping up with the house - though the yard is suffering a bit. Cindy says there's 2 opossum there now! Eww. Please help me manage my relationships and please pray for my upcoming marriage. I can't imagine (at ALL) doing that day without you. I don't even WANT to. I don't WANT to have a party, wear a dress and smile all day. But I do so want to marry James.
I want so much to fill the hole in my chest with new things, with food, with a new pet(s), with alcohol, with sleep, and by living in your house to be close to you. And I want James' parents to love me like a daughter. I want it, I want it, I want it. And none of it is working, nor should it. I shouldn't be able to fill this hole, I just wish it didn't ache so much.