Death, divorce and loss

by rosie

A few years ago, my younger brother went missing. Not knowing where he might be was tortuous and I used to think that just knowing (even if he was dead) would make his loss easier to manage. Then the police arrived at my father's door and told him that my brother had been found dead in a hostel for homeless people in the city.

Whilst dealing with the turmoil that followed, my marriage started to crumble. My husband I split up; gradually, over the next couple of years he fed my children toxic lies. First my eldest daughter broke off contact with me. Then her younger brother. My eldest son moved abroad and ignored my efforts to reach him. I lived with my youngest son and my second son.My second son had two hip replacements and eye surgery during all of this.

I was made part redundant.

A year ago, my mother got up, went into the garden and dropped down dead. My older brother refused to help me care for my father.My father lives hundreds of miles away so every trip involved a little more clearing out of my mother's personal belongings. As I sorted out her clothes I cried for both my mother and for myself, that my own daughter and my brother had no compassion to help me with this difficult task.

Then three months ago my step-dad began to slowly die of cancer.I helped my step-mum and him as best I could. We put my step-dad's bed downstairs and I slept on the floor at night beside him, so that my step-mum could have some rest. She's 83.He so wanted to die at home and we made that happen for him. I'm very proud that we were able to do that for him, for both of them. We held his hands as he died and told him how much he was loved. I lost one of the wisest people I knew when he died.

A week before my step-dad died, my husband persuaded my youngest son to move in with him. So, now my other son and I have to sell up and find somewhere to live. One of my rooms is full of my uncles clothes, my aunt asked me to take them away. He was such a kindly and loving soul, I can almost feel that he's here when I walk past his suit hanging on the back of the door. But he's not. And my step-mum lives near my dad, hundreds of miles away - so I teach, look after my son who is disabled and drive hundreds of miles every week or so to help out my step-mum at her place and my dad at his place. The pain of missing my youngest son is palpable.

My youngest son is not dead, but he may as well be because my husband has encouraged him to break off contact with me. And I have no time to grieve.I thought I was a good mother but four children I loved have no time for me. Three people I loved are dead.

Seven people in such a short time.

Getting up in the morning is hard. Sometimes I cry when I'm in the car and that's fine. Because the alternative, not crying, is a broken heart. And I need my heart to be in good shape for my second son. And myself. It's important to take care of ourselves and respect the time that we need to recover when we're busy looking after other people. some days I feel as if I've been SANDBLASTED but that's okay too. Because that makes the old rust drop off and one day, when I've gone through all of this I know I will be shiny again. The key word there is 'through". The days when I feel stuck are the worst.

Here's to keeping going through and learning how to be shiny again.

Comments for Death, divorce and loss

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Oct 22, 2012
Death, divorce and loss
by: Doreen U.K.

Rosie, I am so sorry for all your many losses, Death, divorce and loss of children that are still alive. This is a very painfull battle, and journey for you. I know what you are saying and where you are in your grief.
I lost my husband to a deadly cancer 5 months ago. We were married 44yrs. I nursed him for 3yrs39days. Sad. But a PRIVELEGE and honour to be married to such a beautiful Soul. And to care for him. Just as you did. Steve wanted to die at home so he had his wish. I applaud you for all you are doing for your loved one's without the support of your brother, and daughter. I don't know why this happens, but during a loss the family becomes fractured to the point that we can't recognise they belong to us. I am shocked and devastated that my son of 43yrs. should be more concerned about the WILL when he is married and his wife has a prenuptial in place that he gets nothing from her. He is O.K. about this. He LOVES HER. Not what she owns. I asked him why he didn't want to wash his Dad's car, or do anything for his Dad, he would ask his sister to wash his car. Yet in his Eulogy he mentioned the times his Dad left everything and came miles to rescue him when his car broke down. Steve was ill with cancer and went miles to rescue his son after his wife threw him out of HER HOUSE. My son was so distraught. We picked up the pieces. I Confronted this pain at this time of grief. No use doing it years down the line. My sister's did not think I was unreasonable because they are the ones who came and did my garden of the house my son is going to inherit. I just wanted him to be more caring and supportive. He walked away from me. never said Good bye. All he wants is his Wife. Who threw him out of HER HOUSE 5 times and I took him in and did what i could for him when his father was dying of cancer.
Rosie I tell you this so you will realise you are not ALONE. My sisters are angry with my Son for doing what he did in walking away from me when he promised his father he will look after us. But I am slowly getting over this PAIN. I make no DEMANDS on anyone. But when I die is the time they will realise and it will be too late. I feel a spirit of CONTENTMENT. I ALWAYS TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Most of the time I do get it right. Because I have a mindset to CARE. It is important to me to do what is right even if I don't feel like it. I see you have the same qualities. Keep FOCUSED on this. See what is happening as not YOUR LOSS but their LOSS for turning your children against you and for not supporting you. What goes around comes around. You will get JUSTICE without even doing anything. I wish you Peace, Comfort, Love, and all the happiness in the future that you deserve. I wish you all the support you need with caring for a disabled child.

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