Death of a 9 year Relationship

by Andrew
(New York)

As some of the other stories found in here, I didn't suffer the loss of someone but rather, the death of my 9 year relationship. I have already experienced the death of close family members and friends and even though it's been extremely sad, it's been something I have been able to deal with one way or another; something I haven't been able to do with this type of death.

I met her in school when we were 10 years old, we quickly became best friends. When we turned 16 we fell in love. Even at such a young age, I always thought we were going to be together forever. I gave her everything and felt she loved me as much as I loved her, maybe more. We learned everything with one another, she was my first everything. She has been the only woman in my life in every sense. This didn't bother me at all. I actually felt special and unique for having such a connection; love and devotion with and for someone.

Our relationship was always very passionate and sometimes a little bit too extreme and unhealthy, so after 6 years of being together I thought we needed a break for our own good. We were officially apart for 9 months but we talked all the time and no day went by without me thinking of her. It never really felt like a real break up. Eventually we got back together.

When we got back together she often accused me of having slept around while we were apart, which never happened. She was the only woman in my life and even when we were "apart" I could never picture myself with someone else. I later found out she was the one who dated someone while we were on a break. She swore she never slept with him and told me it was nothing serious and that she had ended it before we got back together. That really hurt me because even though we were "apart" I felt we were together. But I let it go, especially since I was the one that decided to take a break to begin with.

We stayed together for 3 more years, and even though we had our problems, I thought we were deeply in love and committed to one another. She often accused me out of the blue of having affairs and cheating on her, which was never true. I didn't understand her odd behavior. One morning, after making up after a fight, she told me she couldn't continue lying to me, and confessed she had been having an affair with the guy she dated while we were broken up, for the past 3 years. She had been in a relationship with him ever since we first broke up. I literally felt as if she stabbed me in the back. my best friend, my "soul mate". It was even hard for me to breathe. For 3 years, everything had been a big lie. She broke my heart, she destroyed me.

Obviously I asked her to move out, and I deleted her from every aspect of my life, I felt so angry towards her, I felt humiliated. At the beginning I was in total denial. I went out every night of the week like if nothing had happened, but eventually things caught up with me. I started vomiting blood every night. I felt really sick, until one day a friend found me lying in the bathroom, I knew I had hit rock bottom. My friend took me to the E.R. I totally broke down, I had a nervous breakdown.

I was in the hospital for only one night. She found out about my breakdown and called me to tell me she missed me and wanted to get back together. I obviously said no, but felt better that she missed me too, and still loved me. A week later I found out from a mutual friend that the same day she called me, she went to an out of town wedding with him for the weekend. I got sick again, and felt so naive and stupid for believing in her once more.

I know I deserve a much better person than her, someone as loyal, honest and faithful as I am, but it seems my heart does not want to listen to my head. I miss her so much, and feel I have lost such a big part of myself. I feel lost, hopeless and profoundly depressed. I just want to go back in time and return to the time when we were happy and in love. Its only been about a month, but I feel completely broken.

I know what she did is unforgivable, after trusting her with my heart and giving her everything I had to offer, but I still fantasize about us getting back together, and I still want to think she loves me and needs me as much as I love her and need her. I don't respect her, and I could never get back together with her after what she did to me. I could never trust her or forgive her, so I don't understand why I miss her and want her back so much. It's like a drug I need, I know its bad for me but I still desperately want it. What bothers me the most is that I can't stop thinking of her and it is so painful to think of them together, its killing me.

I cry every day, I don't want to go out, and I feel I will never feel the same love and passion for somebody else. I feel everything is a terrible nightmare, I just want the pain to go away and to start feeling Ok with myself, and Ok with being alone. I want to feel complete by my own, I want to stop caring about her. I don't want to love or hate her anymore.