Death of a Friend
On September 28 I received a text message on my phone from my friend Nancy's mother which read,"Nancy's cancer has spread to her spine, spinal fluid, and brain. She is in the hospital and on a morphine drip." Nancy was diagnosed with lymphoma six months earlier. About a month earlier I was informed that her condition was drastically improved and she was definitely going to survive. I called my mother after I received the message and told her what it said. She immediately left work to pick me up from college to visit Nancy back home (a six hour drive). I was confused by the urgency, not yet realizing the gravity of the situation. I talked to Nancy's mother next, which ended with her in tears explaining to me what was happening with her daughter. By the time I arrived at the hospital that same day, Nancy was unconscious. I asked my mother if I'd ever get to talk to her again (My poor parents probably felt so helpless watching me scramble around with such high hopes for a good outcome).
She never woke up. I watched her die for three days. I had her hand in mine. It went cold and her breathing slowed. Then I left the room to give her immediate family some privacy in Nancy's final moments. I listened as the mother screamed, watching her daughter die. I started to cry and panic as I listened to her mother. Afterwards the door opened and I walked in. I saw her dead body and I didn't cry anymore. I just felt cold and empty. Everything felt dreamlike and strange. People said things to me and I said things back but I couldn't hear them and I'm not sure what I said.
I loved her. I've never had such a true and close friend as her and I doubt I ever will. I was going to be with her my entire life. I loved her and then I watched her die. I just want to hold her in my arms again.
Now more than six months later, I feel a bit better, but not as much as I expected. I have good days, but then bad days come out of no where. I started dating someone, and I told them about Nancy, but I'm not sure they understood how much it's affected me. I feel so guilty to be happy and sometimes I feel guilty that I'm sad. Is it fair for the person I'm with to have to be with someone who is still mourning? Is it fair to anyone that I am still mourning? How long does this last?