Death of a Friend

by Johnny

On September 28 I received a text message on my phone from my friend Nancy's mother which read,"Nancy's cancer has spread to her spine, spinal fluid, and brain. She is in the hospital and on a morphine drip." Nancy was diagnosed with lymphoma six months earlier. About a month earlier I was informed that her condition was drastically improved and she was definitely going to survive. I called my mother after I received the message and told her what it said. She immediately left work to pick me up from college to visit Nancy back home (a six hour drive). I was confused by the urgency, not yet realizing the gravity of the situation. I talked to Nancy's mother next, which ended with her in tears explaining to me what was happening with her daughter. By the time I arrived at the hospital that same day, Nancy was unconscious. I asked my mother if I'd ever get to talk to her again (My poor parents probably felt so helpless watching me scramble around with such high hopes for a good outcome).

She never woke up. I watched her die for three days. I had her hand in mine. It went cold and her breathing slowed. Then I left the room to give her immediate family some privacy in Nancy's final moments. I listened as the mother screamed, watching her daughter die. I started to cry and panic as I listened to her mother. Afterwards the door opened and I walked in. I saw her dead body and I didn't cry anymore. I just felt cold and empty. Everything felt dreamlike and strange. People said things to me and I said things back but I couldn't hear them and I'm not sure what I said.

I loved her. I've never had such a true and close friend as her and I doubt I ever will. I was going to be with her my entire life. I loved her and then I watched her die. I just want to hold her in my arms again.

Now more than six months later, I feel a bit better, but not as much as I expected. I have good days, but then bad days come out of no where. I started dating someone, and I told them about Nancy, but I'm not sure they understood how much it's affected me. I feel so guilty to be happy and sometimes I feel guilty that I'm sad. Is it fair for the person I'm with to have to be with someone who is still mourning? Is it fair to anyone that I am still mourning? How long does this last?

Comments for Death of a Friend

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Jun 10, 2013
by: Anonymous

I am truly sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences. I am currently going through the EXACT same thing as your date, except mine is reversed. I have been dating someone for 3 weeks and everything was going GREAT. All of a sudden she disappeared in my life. I wondered what I did wrong and what caused her to disappear. Was it me? A few days past and she told me about her friend passing away. I was worried for her and I felt a little disappointed that she removed me from her life. After a few days of realization, I came to accept that perhaps being in a relationship is not the right timing. I truly do like her and have sincere/genuine feelings for her but I also understood that she needed her space to be alone. I gave her the space and time to recoup and now it has been 2 weeks since I have seen her. I really do miss her and I really would love to tell her in person but I understand that she is currently not ready to see me in person. She recently showed a sign of life by texting me last night saying that she's back to life and how I was doing. She also apologized for all this and that really touched my heart. I didn't know how to respond but I'm just glad that she's okay and healthy. That's the most important thing to me at the very moment. She and I both have a very busy life and I just can't imagine the pain that she is going through. She also told me that she is on a health plan to get her back to normal. I am hopeful that one day she and I can continue our relationship. All I can do right now is be patient and wait for her to recover. Good luck to you and your date.

Apr 22, 2013
Death of a Friend
by: Doreen U.K.

Johnny I am sorry for your loss of Nancy. You just lost a dear friend so you are entitled to feel sad and upset. Mourning a loss of someone you loved forever is normal. Grief has no limits and time span. The stronger the bond in a relationship the deeper the grief pain and Healing from this grief.
I am happy for you dating and finding someone to love and be with. If your dating is causing you problems and the person you are with then take some time out and go visit a grief counsellor and once you have had a few sessions with someone who is impartial and will understand you will be in a better position to continue dating and building a relationship that is meaningful. Your date has a Choice of whether to be in relationship with you whilst your are grieving or to also take time out till you are in a mentally healthier place. Normal guilt is part of grief. Grief counselling should help resolve your guilt. What you don't need is further complications from a relationship whilst you are grieving. Grief is hard and tiring and weakens the body so make sure you are being nourished physically so that will help you not be so sensitive, and rundown in health.
Nancy was a very important part of your life. You will learn to cope with your grief with good support. Better to talk to a counsellor and not your date as she may think that your grief is all consuming and she may feel uncomfortable, and as if she is second best. You will learn to cope with your loss in time and be happy agai

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