by Patrece

Would I be overly dramatic if I said the day my mother died all the color drained from my life, my world? I heard a woman say this the other day about her own experience when her mother passed away from cancer when she was only 10. I was only 8, my 9th birthday was 5 days away when my mother died of kidney failure due to Lupus.
In the days leading up to her transport from home to the hospital & subsequently her death, little did I know the turmoil that would ensue in my life -internally. On the surface it all appeared business as usual; a funeral, the decision of which aunt & uncle would assume responsibility for which child. What wasn't of major concern were the damaging effects of losing a primary caregiver on a child.
Tragic. A word Synonomous (in my mind) with my childhood. A place from which all my issues & shortcomings stem....a place where I was left to my own devices. To form my own outlook, my own ideology. It was an era of cluelessness. A time of unattachment. A time of no experience, but plenty of observation on my part. I think that is what saved me; my ability to observe & utilize.
As I look back on memories of my childhood I can say that all pleasant memories stopped for me the day we moved back to my grandmother's house, because my mom had become too ill. No way could I have known that she'd be gone forever. I remember in all the commotion of moving my cat ran away & my aunt didn't bother to get her so that I could take her with me. I can only imagine the hurt that I felt, because now I can't remember. We loaded up my uncle's truck with all our belongings. I remember my aunt cleaning the floor of our apartment once all the furniture had been moved out. I don't recall saying goodbye to my neighbors. I don't recall pulling up at my grandmothers & I don't recall unloading & packing our stuff away. I can recall not really being allowed in my mom's room as she laid there sick & vomiting. The one time I recall spending any amount of time with her, I stood next to her holding a bucket so she could throw up in it. She recounted a dream she had of the devil & how she saw his picture crushed up in the corner of a wall & I believed she said she told the devil that he would not get her. It could have been days, weeks or months when one day she was taken to the hospital by ambulance. The last time I saw her alive.
A few years later my older brother and I went to live with our Dad & his new wife. He never once spoke a word about her to me. It's almost as my mom never existed. My feelings on losing her were never acknowledged.
Decades later I'd have my first dream of her and she appeared to me the same way I had last seen her; sick & laying down. How disappointed I was to see her again unhappy & ill.
In the dream it was a sunny & beautiful day, I stepped into a row boat only to find her laying at the bottom of the boat, dressed in white. Sensing my disappointment she said: 'Kay what did you expect?' in a tone that was not consoling. I was hurt.
In my day to day life I have never felt a 'connection' with her, never felt her 'presence', as I often hear people speak of their departed loved ones. I had dreamed of her that one time (that I can recall) in 26 years.
I am 37 now, no children....not that I don't want any, but because I fear letting go & trusting anyone in my life long term. I cry uncontrollably at the thought of my mother, I tear up when I see young ones with their moms or even baby animals & how their mothers love & care for them yet here I am without a mother's love & caring. I try hard everyday to change my mindset and I've come a long way, but I know that that part of my life will never be 'normal'.

Comments for DEATH OF A GIRL

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 10, 2013
I must reply
by: Carol

Your words resonated with me. I was nine when my mother passed from illness and I'm over 50 now. She was in and out of the hospital for the last year of her life. She couldn't even speak when we were all marched in to the intensive care unit of the hospital...still not sure why the aunts brought us to see her in that condition. I remember is all to well. I know why they did it but it was also the last time I saw my mother alive, in a hospital bed, with tubes and machines all around her, too weak to speak and barely open her eyes. My father was killed years earlier in a "tragic" accident. As I grew older people would say I'm sorry when they heard I was orphaned so young. It was all I knew. I remember the aunts talking about who would live with who and all the stuff that goes with settling an estate. I could sense the friction. I understand so well what you say, the yearning for a real family, seeing kids gets picked up from school by their parents, only to be the child walking home or hoping a friend would ask their parents if they could give me a ride home. The life of a young know you are different but you go with the flow. There is no one to teach you all the things a parent does. You learn by trial and error. Oh sure, there are well meaning guardians who try to raise your right but those day to day experiences that you learn how to act, dress, say, etc....are things we will never have. I think what struck me most about your note was the comment about not letting others in, opening, trusting. I have a sister who I believe in desperation to be accepted lets in anyone who will pay attention to her. On the other hand, I know I have a wall around me. I'm professional, have great friends, but I fear loss...I fear the pain that come from loving. I am replying because I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry you had to experience this too. Loss, for me, is the hardest thing to come to terms with and yet daily I try to let go....and just be. Life is short. We must find a way to live in the NOW...because it is all we have. Peace.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!