Death to drinking addition.

by Ruby
(Tooele, Utah)

I met my husband when I was 15, summer before entering high school (10th grade). He was different from anyone else I knew. He had a hard exterior, but soft and caring person. Our 1st date he brought a bottle of wine. I did not drink and had not been exposed to drinking. He told me stories of the keg parties he had as a kid. Still I didn't see the warning sign and too young to know better. We continued to date and fell in love. We married 3 years later. We were married 31 years at the time of his death. I guess you really don't know the person until you live with them. Through the years I could see he could possibly have a drinking problem. He would come home drunk, some times he didn't come home at all, bar fights DUI's. I stuck it out because I loved him. Eventually he admitted himself into rehab and was a recovering alcoholic for 12 years. In the back on my mind I worried about the day he might start drinking again and what I would do and how I would handle it. That day came right after I had quit my job to move out of town for him. All our married life he wanted to move back to his home town. I promised I would go after the kids moved out. That time came and we moved to his home town. I worried about moving to where he grew up and back with his child hood friends/drinking friends. But I made a promise and felt I needed to trust him and keep my word. I told him I would give it 5 years.

A few weeks before we moved, he came home drunk. I should have known then that it was not going to be a good idea to move. He promised he would not drink and even got in touch with his sponsor. I thought things would be ok. Things were ok for the first year or two, but then he started drinking at home. Then it was going to the bars and staying late at work and coming home drunk. We were right back where we were before rehab. I had no family or friends in this new move. No one to talk to or go to. Things were getting worse. I reminded him that I would give it 5 years and that the drinking was making it hard to stay. It was getting close to the 5 year mark when he made a bad choice to drink and drive while driving his motorcycle (2nd time in a month). This time it took his life. He missed a curve and went off an embankment and was killed. He didn't make it home that night. I drove around looking for him and called his friends. I called the police and hospitals. Nothing. Then, later the next morning the police came to my home to tell me they found his body. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to call our kids and tell them their dad was dead from a motorcycle crash. The 2nd hardest thing I had to do was to tell his father. The kids were mad at me for not telling them that he was drinking again.

My kids told me to move back home to be with family. So I quit my job, sold my home and moved closer to my kids. Bought a new home, started a new job.....too many changes. After 7 months I met a man who is very nice and a caring person. He is a drinker. A year later we moved in together. Again, you really don't know someone until after you live together. He doesn't drink and drive but he drinks every night, some nights he drinks too much and gets drunk. He says it wasn't the alcohol that caused my husband's death but his poor choice to drink and drive. He says there is nothing wrong with drinking and I agree if you drink responsibly and don't over indulge.

My oldest son is upset that I would get involved with someone that drinks. He will not allow his kids to come to my house due to the drinking. It has caused a strain on my relationship with my son and I don't get to spend time with grandkids unless I make arrangements to do something outside of my home.

I don't want to be alone and I financially can't make it on my own. The relationship is more companionship than love. I don't think the kids understand. But it hurts that they won't let me be more involved with my grandkids and so set in their ways with drinking.

Every time there is a problem with my kids and grandkids I blame my husband. If he was here he would set every one straight and wouldn't let the kids treat me the way they do.

I am still mad at my husband for making a poor choice to drink and drive. For not being here for his family and leaving me alone. I can't forgive him and I can't stop thinking about him.

I am at a point where I feel I may need to break up my relationship with my new man so I can be more involved with my son and grandkids, but worried financially I won't be able to survive and if I would really see my son and grandkids any more than I do now.

How do you forgive and stop the anger?

Comments for Death to drinking addition.

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Feb 21, 2013
by: Jamie

I read your story with personal interest. I am currently at a fork in the road having to make a choice about my man...who is a recovering alcoholic. I see that he may not be able to do it. I love him and he is a good man. But I KNOW i dont want the life you described with your first husband. I've had it for 3 years. Al Anon has helped me. they care. They understand. And they are free. Go for a few meetings and see what you think.

Nov 06, 2012
Death to drinking adiction
by: Doreen U.K.

Ruby I am sorry for your loss of your husband in a tragic motor cycle accident that cut his life short and caused you so much grief.
You took a risk. You moved because it was your husband's wish. YOU sacrificed your own happiness for his. You should be proud of yourself for doing this even though it caused your husband to make a poor choice that cost him his life.
I applaud you for moving back to where you would be happiest surrounded by family, and friends.
I can understand you needing companionship and so choose another man to live with. If he is drinking do you really deserve to go through another ordeal that causes problems. You are taking another risk. Nothing wrong with taking a risk because you don't know how things will turn out unless you do risk. But if it is not working you should pull away from a relationship that is the same as the first. DRINK.
I also don't blame your son/children not wanting their children to be exposed to all this alcohol around. You wouldn't want to surround your grandchildren with a poor role model in a partner? WOULD YOU?
You asked How you can Forgive and stop the anger?
You find yourself a grief counsellor. You work hard in counselling till you are able to resolve your anger over your first husband making a CHOICE that ended his life and spoilt yours. You will learn skills that will help you in life. You will learn more about yourself and see if you are attracting the wrong man. You will then come out of counselling feeling like a WHOLE PERSON again making better life choices. You will not look back and you will be able to handle problems better in the future. Now I know you are having difficulty financially and counselling costs money. But you can check out if some counsellors offer a sliding scale where you pay perhaps a quarter of the fee. You can't afford not to look after yourself emotionally. I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago. We were married 44yrs. I have had to make changes so I can afford to live now with less money. When I went into counselling I paid a large fee. I must have paid a small fortune. BUT WORTH THE INVESTMENT into better mental health. Better choices. Better decisions. More happinesss. I do see counselling as AN INVESTMENT. I can't begin to tell you how good I feel after Counselling. I hope you have better days ahead and life gets better for you.

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