December 1st

by HJ
(Canada)

It was winter, and I was counting down the days till Christmas, just over two weeks and I would be on Holiday and then no more pressure from school; just one more horrible Trig test and we could do that promised trip. I promised two more weeks then I would have time. But you didn’t have that time left and you died from a heart attack without me ever saying goodbye. Dad if I had known that day would be the last I would have blown off all my friends and spent every last minute with you.

Dad I didn’t know what to do, a world without you at fifteen was impossible to face. Christmas came and I wouldn’t bear any of it. A new year that would never know your presence shouldn’t exist. An endless winter full of snow was all I wanted, because I could pretend that everything was frozen in time and I wasn’t living without you, but spring came and I was turning sixteen, but how could it be sweet without you waiting up till midnight to say “Happy birthday Honey” and I couldn’t help but spend the day crying.

With summer came warmth and winter seemed so far away and things were better, I still missed you every day Daddy but it was warm and the awful memories of that cold winter night seemed a world away. Grade eleven was coming and I tried, I really tried but I screwed up and as it got colder all I could think of was not a year, don’t let it be a year since you died. Another set of holidays, another birthday, another summer and now here we are and over a year and a half has past.

I miss you so much Daddy, I miss calling you grumpy bear, and being lil grumpy bear. So much has changed and life without you is painful.

You were suppose to be here, be here to see me get my first boyfriend, see me become a senior in high school, be there when I get into university, watch me graduate, walk me down the aisle someday. I know you didn’t mean to break your promise that you would never leave me.

Dad I would do anything just to have a minute with you again, to have a big hug and say I love you. I miss your stupid puns and bad jokes, you getting mad at me for stealing your coffee in the morning but most of all I miss you and I miss being your little girl.