Delayed Pain

by Jasmine
(Kenosha, WI)

I was only two and a half years old when my mother died from complications caused by type 1 diabetes combined with heart disease, thyroid disease and an addiction to prescription drugs, which at the time of her death she had just gotten over. After her death my father made the difficult choice to give me to my maternal grandparents that were more capable of providing for me than my father could at the time. I still am very involved in my life with my father and always have been.

Growing up my grandmother did suffer through depression but I had no idea really until a few years ago. My mother had been her youngest daughter. My aunt, her oldest, suffers from depression and is an alcoholic. She is much better with her depression but has a lot of regret and unable to understand why my aunt is the way she is and why my mother was addicted to the drugs.

It wasn't until I was in high school. It wasn't really until I was sixteen I started to have issues. I started to gain a large amount of weight after a acquaintance of mine died in a car accident, we weren't even that close, just had a class together. At seventeen with all the other stresses of college, classes, work and my family life, my mother's death is really effecting me. I can't even look at a picture of her without sobbing, I can barely think about her without crying and even the thought of writing this is making me tear up. My whole life I've been fine until the last two years and I don't know what to do or how to explain it.

Is it possible to have delayed grief or has it always been there just never affect me until outside stresses caused it to? Why is it doing it now? How do I deal with? Who do I talk to when my grandmother suffers through depression, my aunt is an alcoholic, my grandfather doesn't want to talk about it, I feel awkward talking to my dad about it and school consular and psychologist aren't really a choice I feel comfortable with?

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