Depression still bad, after 2 yrs. following the death

by Lynn
(Mine Hill, NJ)

Back on Jan, 29th, of 2012, I lost my husband of 44 years to liver cancer-as a result of colon cancer-which had been successfully removed through several operations, at (1) at our local hospital, & like 3 more liver resections done at in NYC. It has been 2 years, that he has passed, & I'm still feeling very depressed-actually most recently it has been very troubling. I take **mbalta 60mg, & **perdone was added-yet like these past few days, it has been very horrible depression-I would love to be happy again-I have 3 real good children,that would do whatever they could for me. & I also have a little grandson now one & a half years old-My depression recently has been awful-I am torn, as to where I should live-the house, where my husband,our kids & I lived, needs a lot of work to be done on it, & I am in a rental, that my son owns. My husband, did not make mention, of any symptoms,which indicated he had colon cancer-it was not detected till,the cancer was at a stage !V-which I have come to understand as a very critical phase-it was first dealt with through ablation,which we were made to believe, that it would rid him of it somewhat,but, being as all the liver resections were performed, and yet the bleeding from the last surgery, was so profuse, I truly think,that is why he was in total kidney failure, when he came out of surgery, his lungs had taken a bad hit, as well as his heart-I truly feel that the blood thinner. **adaxa, did him in-& that was prescribed by the cardiologist -he was doing fine on **umadin-my grief recently has been very terrible-I just want to be happy again-if my husband,had taken notice, of his medical warning signs, he possibly would have been with us today. How can I overcome this horrible grief-I know, my husband, did not want to do any more of the chemo treatments-he did not want the side effects-it gave-he told me, he wanted to just die-but he seemed fine,when he went in for this last operation. Do I put the responsibility of this cancer on myself-counselors have told me, it was my husband,that should have taken responsibility for his health problems-I thought he had irritable bowel issues- My husband was 67,when he went to Heaven-& left me a widow-am I to blame??

Comments for Depression still bad, after 2 yrs. following the death

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Aug 01, 2014
So very difficult
by: June

Lynn, do not blame yourself. I'm sorry about your husband. This is one long journey. I lost my husband, Mike, March 8, 2012, he was 67...too early to go. This year we would have been married 44 years. We had things to do; luckily we did travel a bit and had a lovely 34 day cruise in 2010. My mind goes back to remember all the good times. My advice to people going through this life changing journey is to keep busy a part of each day. I know how hard it is to get out in the world without your spouse. I am fortunate that I do not have depression or take pills, helping others has helped me so much. Walking my dog every day has been a godsend.
I don't like this life without Mike, but my hope is to be together again.
Thinking of everyone going through this difficult stage in life.

Jul 29, 2014
not to blame yourself
by: Catherine

I can quite understand how you must have felt, as my husband died around the same age. Although he didn't have cancer, but used to eat such a lot of food with high fat content and had blood pressure since he was in his thirties. So it was a shock to find him dead in bed last month.
Also, as I am not allowed to drive,next week I am having to leave this place as it is 20 mins from the road. which again will be very difficult as it is so quiet. My son has offered to have me until I can find somewhere else.
Did the doctor tell you that the bereavement would get better in time, which is what I was told?

Take care and if you want to chat, let me know.


Jul 29, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: Lawrence

Dear Lynn,
Please, please, please, do not feel any guilt at all, there is no way on this good earth that you should possibly feel responsible for your beloved husband’s death.
We all think we could have done more to save our precious loved ones.
My own beautiful wife, one day took my face in her cupped hands, kissed me, and said gently ”Thank you for marrying me and making my life so happy”.
I became worried and asked her if she was ill, but she said she was fine, she obviously knew she was going to die, which she did two days later, in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying.
Should I have dragged her to the doctor, for a check-up, who knows if it would have made any difference?
We had been together for nearly seventy years and yet I never picked up the signals, perhaps there were none to pick up.
It just emphasizes my attitude, it’s just LIFE and we will never really understand it.
I miss her dreadfully even after nineteen months, I guess the tears will never ever stop, but the fact I am writing this to you must show that acceptance does happen and we try to get on with our lives, lonely and sad as they are.
Enjoy your children and grandchildren; they are the fruit of your deep love for each other.
With deepest Sympathy.

Jul 29, 2014
Depression still bad, after 2yrs. following the death
by: Doreen UK

Lynn I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband to cancer. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!! Many men do not like going to the doctors or taking responsibility for their health. They dismiss this as NOTHING. Few people get remission from cancer. It will always come back at some time. The constant living in fear every time you go for a check up.
My husband in 2008 was made redundant from his job as a carpenter. He decided to go to the doctors due to a cough which is something he would never do. He looked worried when he came home and said that he had shadows on his lungs. Before we knew it he was having a biopsy and brought in early for his results. Within 4 months we got the most devastating news ever. He had MESOTHELIOMA. (lung cancer caused by working with a ASBESTOS. his cancer was incurable, inoperable, aggressive, rare, and TERMINAL. MY world fell apart and my grief started in March 2009. His cancer grew inside his lungs for 40yrs. it takes 40-60yrs. to develop to it full stage. His environment killed him. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and he died 2yrs. ago May 5th 2012. We also were married for 44yrs. There are days I feel so depressed and LONELY. Despite structuring my life as best as I can. My greatest problems are with the house repairs. In the last 2yrs. that is all I have had to concentrate on. Being ripped off by tradesmen. I was my husband's labourer as well so I have a good knowledge of jobs needing done and I challenge my tradesmen. I am stuck in this house as the prices are so high I can't move. I would have to move far away and would miss what family I do have left. I have 3 adult children all living their own lives. No matter what we put in our lives to make it better, nothing can fill the VOID a husband did. I learnt on this site not to make changes within the first 2yrs. TRUE. I made too many changes and gave too much away. I didn't think I would move forward even a little. But I have moved forward as much as I can. It can take years before we Heal from our loss. I think we are going to feel depressed off and on for some time. I have absorbed myself with changing my diet and I have taken to the treadmill for a 20 minute walk each day, which is also good for depression and is a feel good factor. All these changes at age 66yrs. tomorrow. You will find a reason to live and move forward in time. Meantime hold on to your children for emotional support and your grandchild will bring you Joy. I do have fleeting thoughts of not having my husband with me at the time he should have been enjoying his retirement with me.
It isn't fair. FOCUS is the key. Build yourself up and DON'T BLAME yourself for your husband's cancer or anything related to this disease. We can assault ourselves forever with the "If only I had done this or that" If wive's keep on at their husband's to go to the doctors they will be accused of nagging. I hear my sister and her husband having this problem also. She is concerned and doesn't want to lose him, and he doesn't like the fuss, and wants to be left alone to enjoy his life. He is diabetic and should be careful but won't listen to my sister who is worried and cares. Here in the U.K. our health services are cut and hospital A&E departments closing. Many people can't get to see a doctor now and people are going to die faster. No matter what we do we are up against a brick wall. we can only do our best and I am sure you did your best and your husband would be proud of you.

Jul 28, 2014
Do not blame yourself!!!
by: Susan

Hi! I also just lost my husband on May 19th of this year due to colon cancer he had successfully removed 9 years ago. His was stage 2. We winter in Arizona. On January 21st, he came home from golf and could not breath. I think he had not been well for some time but did not say anything. We treated him for bronchitis as there was a bad flu bug going around. He kept telling me we was getting better. I could not get him to go to Urgent Care. When I finally did, they did a chest x-ray and you could not even see his right lung due to all the fluid on it. He was in the hospital there for 2 weeks with a drainage tube. It was that damn cancer!!!! It had come back in his liver and had spread to his lung. We flew our son-in-law down from British Columbia and he drove us home. My husband went right into the hospital there. He did one chemo treatment and it made him so sick, which he was very ill to begin with, and he decided that he did not want to do it. He said he did not have any quality of life and wanted to go!!! He stopped eating and I watched him waste away to almost nothing until his suffering finally ended. I look back all the time and think what could we have done to catch it before it was too late. We should have seen a Dr. about that scab where his belly button was as I am now sure it was cancerous cells coming out of his old incision site. We thought it was a hernia. However, I cannot blame myself. Cancer is a horrible, sneaky disease!!!!! You have a family that loves you and your husband would not want you to be sad. Do not blame yourself at all!!! It is stopping you from moving on.

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