Depression

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Depression

by Yvonne
(California)

I am sorry. I know this is going to be along one. Don't feel like you have to read it. I just want to say it and really have no one to say it to. The last couple weeks have been really hard for me. There is no one to talk to. I used to get into a funk once in a while and Roger always was able to get me out of it. He even made a list and put it on the refrigerator "Why Yvonne should be happy". (damn since he died the list is missing and I cry at night wishing I could find it.) I feel selfish thinking about me but the problem is I never did before. Roger always looked out for me.He always made sure I was OK. Now he is not here. I can understand why people talk about giving up. Don't get me wrong I have no intention of doing anything but when you are so depressed and the person who always took care of you is gone what do you do? He was there for me for the little things. Headaches, broken dishes, lost anythings. We would sit and talk for hours, just talk. I miss that so much. Had a bug yesterday, probably something I caught from the kids at school it happens now and then. Roger used sit me down get me a drink and a blanky. I miss that so much.
I layed down on the couch where Roger died. I never sit there it was his spot. But I layed there last night and cried. I cried myself to sleep then woke up this morning and cried some more.
I often wish that it had been me. He was so strong and I am not. Someone once said that the strong one is the one who is left. It isn't true. I am not strong I find it hard to talk about these things. I know I should get through it but sometimes I really don't think I want to. I can't imagine my life without him, he was so much a part of me. I don't want to be alone I just want to be with him. Everyone says it gets easier but for me it is getting harder. These lonely weekends where days go by and I don't talk to a single soul. When there is no place to go. I really hate my life now and don't see me feeling any different ever. He was my life- He was my everything. I am so lonely without him!

I am sorry it is so long but there is just no one to talk to and I guess when you aren't feeling too good emotions seem to come out! stronger.

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Depression

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Yvonne, Depression
by: alone & lost

Hi Yvonne, im alone too. i lost my aunty last june who has been my best friend all my life. my bio mom is mentally ill & abusive, father same. who i thought were my really close friends told me to get over it, n walked away. even though i have been there for them through thick n thin. ive lost hope, but i want hope. i hope we can talk, no one else understands.

the long grief trail- thirsty for answers and tired
by:

Yvonne,

We are always here to listen. You are just letting it out which is exactly what you need to do. People will tell you that it get easier and it does I promise, But it get harder first. Sorta like when you take an antibiotic and it makes you feel worse before you feel better.

Poor comparison I know but I just woke up. We do miss the things that we did with and they did for us. Its only human.

I was reading channelingeric last night needing...something. Some reassurance on the afterlife somehow and of course the passage I picked he said that grief is selfish.
Oooh it made me hot but I guess taken out of context from a young mans way of talking. He claimed that they can feel everything we feel and that it upsets them that they can do nothing to sooth us. That Death is a passage of life. That we do what we must on earth and continue on the path to heaven. It got me mad but got me thinking too.

Gee now I am rambling, I only meant to say that what we go through in grief is so very hard but necessary in healing. It only gets easier after we begin to start out new life and allow the memories to become warm instead of acid filled tears. There is really no control over when this happens. I guess it is after we have cried a river of tears and tire of grief controlling our lives. I hope that this post did not make you mad. I only want to help...really.
HH

I know how you feel
by: Karen

Dear Yvonne,

I'm not sure when you lost your husband, I lost the love of my life, my soulmate and dearest friend on October 31, 2010. I can truly relate to what your going through. There were times I didn't think I could go on without him, especially the first three months. I passed the 6 month mark 2 Sundays ago, and it seems to be a little better. I still take 1 step forward and 3 or 4 steps back, but I'm starting to be much more appreciative and grateful for what we had, which was so much. I have to admit, the grieving process is a beast all of it's own, that's for sure. We have to keep bobbing, weaving, shifting and turning and somehow, through the grace of god we do get through.

Know that you are in my thoughts, and even though you can't see it now, god knows I couldn't, it does get better. I don't think the pain and hurt ever go away, but it does fade and doesn't sting quite so bad. I found that one day at at time became 1 hour, then 1 minute, then 1 milisecond at a time. It will get better, it sounds like perhaps your still in the beginning stages, and that's the hardest place to be.

Love, peace and prayers,
Karen

You're not alone
by: Anonymous

My husband died 2 weeks ago today. I suddenly realized today that for so many years we were always together. He liked working with me, I liked my own spare but knew he needed me there. Now our home is so still which is so hard. Even if Bill didn't say anything you were aware of him. All my life I've had a 'can do' attitude, I can fix things. Now I feel so alone and empty. Yes I know that I will get through this awful feeling but it is now I need help with. Think I will call a counselor we saw a few months ago when Bill was so sick and we needed help to deal with the emotions. I can cry my eyes out and she will help. I am far away from family and although I have friends and they have been so good, the time alone must be faced. I'm glad I found this site.

ME TOO
by: Anonymous

Yvonne,
No one can make you feel better. Just know it is something you and I have to go thru every waking hour of our current lives. I was just thinking that I have no one to talk to about him either. I get calls occasionally. But I feel no one really understands how bad the pain is or how very much we miss them. I , too, miss the long talks and the everyday things he would do for me. I forced myself out to a restaurant for dinner last night which was a mistake. It was packed with couples. I drove home crying and trying to see the road while wiping my tears. Someone said it's like being transported to another planet without a roadmap. I have his picture in every room and I still discuss things with him. It helps. Maybe this would help you. Ask him to pray for you. THERE is one description that fits my husband _ A Class Act. I will miss him the rest of my life and suffer in silence whenever I am in company. Plan your day hour by hour and rest,, work and pray. We will get thru this somehow. You are not alone.

Depression
by: Judy

Yvonne,

First let me say you NEVER have to apologize to us here for your thoughts or the length of your post. That's why we are here, to listen.

You remind me so much of myself, living what to me seemed a hopeless and unhappy existence. I too am living alone and feel like the weekends stretch forever. Were it not for speaking to the cat I would spend 48 hours in total silence. That's what losing your best friend means. No one feels that void, no one understands the hole left in your heart and mind without him.

I want to caution you about letting the depression overtake you. Maybe you are ok but depression can creep up on you until before you know it has taken over. You're going to work, cleaning house etc etc but also sad, and sick and uncaring and exhausted. There is no dishonor or weakness in accepting medical intervention if you need it. I fought this for months and was literally physically ill before I finally realized I couldn't handle my depression by will power, faith and stubbornness. (End of well-meaning lecture).

Please believe me when I say that time will make things better. Not right again, but better. Right now everyday is a struggle but laughter and smiles will return to you. Try to believe that.
Until then, the long distance prayer I send every night over the 3000 miles to California to envelop my kids and friends there will include you. This is an unwelcome sisterhood but we are in it together. We are always here to listen.

JM

I Know the Feeling
by: Mary

Yvonne, I know exactly how you feel. The depression is endless. The weekends so very lonely. It has been five months since I lost my loving husband, Gene. He was my rock. He made me laugh everyday and was a kind, generous, loving man. I miss him so much. I too have tried to be strong but not a day goes by that I don't cry and ask God to give me strength. It is a very lonely life. I am trying to take one day at a time, but
I feel so lost. I am so thankful for this site, just to know I am not alone in this grieving process. I pray we all can get through this terrible time. Please take care of yourself.

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