Desire' - Tears from Earth

by MaRia Rogers
(Neptune Beach FL)

Dez - its been 31 days since you disappeared from my world. I remember when I received that call on March 3, 2012 - I stopped breathing - I called out to your brother Chris but words wouldn't escape my mouth. I stamped my feet and bent over in agonizing paid and sorrow - NO NO NO - please GOD NO. The call every mother fears - the unexpected news. An hour later, I was completley out of it - I remember speaking to a stranger that found a bank deposit I dropped in the parking lot saying well that is good news - I say to the stranger well, I just received a call that my daughter passed away this morning - I needed some good news, I'll meet you at 3 PM to pick up the deposit. This woman must have thought I was out of my mind.I put on the biggest reception for you ever Dez - a reception of Love and Life. Did you see and hear all the love for you? After it was all over, I threw up 5 times - I was sick from grief. I held your sweatshirt in my arms - the shirt they cut off you in attempt to bring you back - I needed to hold you in my arms and let you know that you will be fine. I held you when you took your first breath but was robbed of your last - to let you know that mommy would make it better and give you back to our Creator. I hate that you are not in my world. I cry hysterically. I want to hear you laugh - look into those beautiful green eyes, stroke your blond silky hair. I wondered what happended to you in those few last hours - the search for truth leads to more lies. My heart has 4 chambers - one for each of my children - you held the 1st chamber as my 1st born - it is quiet- that part of my heart is just quiet - I want to again feel your noise your spirit - I love you Dez - In my mind, I go over your life in fast forward videoo - your first breath to your first tooth and your first step, your first prom, your first born, and now my first death of my first child - My emotions float from the deepest of sadness to numb feelings of I don't care about all this anymore. When I get angry, its not pretty. Missing you will be the remaining goal of my life. My life has changed - you were part of me - you have my blood, my DNA. Your spirit kept me moving forward. I've stopped in my tracks - now which way do I turn? I received a letter today that a tree will be planted in your memory - I don't want the tree - I want you. Rest in Peace my sweet daughter - your beautiful face will remain etched on my minds' eye always.
Luv Mommy.

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Apr 20, 2012
Our Lives are Forever Changed
by: Margaret

On Easter morning my husband and I were having Easter brunch at a beautiful resort in Florida on the final day of a two week vacation. Our 23 year old son was staying at our house on the west coast; holding down his salesman job and taking care of our pets while we were gone. After brunch, we took a last stroll on the beach by the ocean when my cell phone rang. We received news no mother and father should ever hear. Our precious son, Shane, never woke up on Easter morning and was found by my husband's brother lying on the couch with the remote control in his hand. Shane had told us he wasn't feeling well on Friday before Easter. He said his throat was so sore he could hardly swallow his own saliva. We told him to drive to the doctor or an emergency medical center and that he might have strep throat. I know that in his young adult stubborn-way he never did this. Not in our wildest dreams did we know this was the last time we would hear his voice. He had asked in a boyish way, "You are going to be home for my birthday aren't you?" We flew home immediately and there was hardly time to grieve with funeral preparations and people stopping in and calling. This past week has been quiet and one of reflection and we are grieving from a place inside us that feels like it is sucking out our very souls. How we miss his smile and his presence in our lives. It can't be true he's gone. I don't think the reality of it all has completely hit us yet. This is springtime out west, - the sun is shining through more, --the grass is greening; - the children are playing outdoors; - and our son is dead. How do I go on from here? His birthday was 3 days after his death. He would have been 24 years old. We let balloons go to Heaven in a park. They drifted skyward and disappeared. I'm afraid I'll forget his face; - not remember his voice; - he was my kindred spirit and I will never see him on this earth again. Thank you for reading this and God Bless you all; - and "yes", Shane, we were home on your birthday. Rest in peace my precious boy. Love, Mom

Apr 09, 2012
God Newest Angel
by: MaRia Rogers

I thank all the wonderful new friends on this forum. I still am unsure how to use it and respond and comment on other's posts - I will learn.

This Easter weekend made 5 weeks that Desire slept eternal. On Good Friday, wracked with grief, I walked the road to Calvery with the Mother of Jesus. As I set my heart at the foot of the cross, I wept with the Blessed Mother - we had something to share - I gave you to Christ that day - the wind picked up and the weather became cooler. I knew that by letting you go back to Him, would begin my own healing. I could see you dance and smile around me - although I couldn't see you as I knew you, I could see your spirit. The sadness is still there. The hysteria has subsided. I know you are gone from this world and will not return. I love you Dez. May God keep you until it is my time. You are one of his newest angels this Easter. My daugher, my angel - Desire' - the desired one - and you were.
Luv Mommy.

Apr 09, 2012
by: gerry

I lost my only child to cancer 6 years ago at xmas, he was 38 years old with a family of a wife and 2 little girls and his Dad and me.We were devistated one thing my doctor told me would happen was that people would pass by me on the other side of the road I didnt want to get into long conversations just a smile and a hello would of helped so much. Know one knows how to approach a mother they are not meant to leave you,There have been quite a few occasions that I cannot explain, when I returned from the hospital I started to get strange kicking feelings in my tummy it lasted about 3 months and then faded away but still happens when I get very upset about it, Can anyone explain this or has it happened to anyone else I would love to think this is how he comes bak to see me. Thank you for listening

Apr 06, 2012
my heartfelt sympathy to you
by: Cathy

Hi this is Angel, Brandons mom, i am so sorry for your loss. you hear many things happening to others but never in your wildest dreams ever think that it might happen to you. It will take a lot of time to accept the fact that your loving daughter is no more, my angel was also the eldest and it just tore me apart, sometimes i just wish he would come back or i could go to him but i have other kids and i have to live for them, it will be 6 months now on the 18th and i still cant bear the pain, i hope god heals you and the pain becomes bearable. Take care.

Apr 05, 2012
I know your pain..
by: Anonymous

I too lost a daughter. Last year-My first born, as well. She was 34 years young. She left 3 small children and a husband. A grieving mother, two sisters and a multitude of aunts, uncles and friends who still can't believe she is gone. The "one year" did not make a difference in terms of missing her presence. The pain was less physical, less violent, maybe. Please visit my blog-I write for my daughter, really for me. Leave your words-any words you need to say are fine. They will bond us together as mothers with broken hearts.
Blessings and hope for peace,
Rose L.

Apr 05, 2012
Tears Are Good For Our Souls
by: TrishJ

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful girl. She will always be your daughter. The love can never be taken from us.
Take your life one day at a time. I lost my husband 16 months ago. It has taken me such a long time to overcome the fear of moving forward with my life. I was stuck~wanting the past back~living in the past. The days seem so long.
Some days you will have to take it one hour at a time. We have derailments when we least expect it. Walking through the grocery store I see all the foods my husband so loved and I have a melt down.
I've had to teach myself how to live this new life. I don't like too much about it. I just do the best I can.
Cry when you need to. Don't hold it in. If you are feeling sad go with those feelings.
Blessings to you. I hope you find something to smile about today. Your daughter is with you and you want her to see you smiling~right?

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