Detaching from a son
I am 56 and my son is 37….. He is my only son and I believed we shared a mutual love and respect for each other. I spent 7 years in Iraq sending money home to him to build a business that he and I could profit from. My son’s wife left him for the 4th time this time telling him the 10 month old baby was not his and took him and left the other 4 children with him. No one heard from her for about a month. We all suffered from not seeing our baby and wondered if we would as my son went through steps with a lawyer to get a divorce. He told me that he may take her back to keep all the kids together since she was going to go for joint since she did not want to pay child support. I had been supportive of his grief and grieving with him but when he told me that I told him that if he decided to take her back he would have to move out of my house. That if he could not let her go I could and I could not watch the kids go through this over and over. The hated her for not telling them goodbye that morning before they went to school and she left them, for abandoning them and for cheating on them and their father. For posting pictures of her and her baby’s father and the baby on face book as a happy family for all to see. The baby father is a black heritage and the baby had darker skin but we have some in our family with darker skin and figured he took after that part of the family. But this hurt the children deeply and when other people told them that the baby was black before and the kids denied it, now school mates were making fun of them. I always told them that even if it was true it was not his fault what his mother did and that he was in a good place because we could love him no matter what. About six weeks in to this my son lets the ex come home and all of a sudden it is like they were never apart. The kids are mad and don’t know what to think. The don’t respect her or trust her and now their father has lied to them and by telling them this time she would not come back and they were not allowed to tell her or him how they felt. The week before he stopped talking to me and we have a business together. I put about 300,000 dollars into the business so I would have a retirement and he would be able to support his family. I ran the financial end and he did the marketing and running of it. He quit giving me money to put in the back and I heard from the kids he was selling the business and moving to another state. I asked him about what I heard and he told me it was true. I told him I supported his moving and getting a new start in a new place and what I expected from the sell of the business. He looked at me point blank and told me it was his business and that I was not getting anything, he needed it to get to the other state. I was shocked and stayed calm and told him that he could not leave me with nothing when I spent 7 years in Iraq to support the financial end of the business. That he had to leave me something. He had not given me money for bills that were owed and that I was there for him when he needed me and that he had to leave me something. He told me that he would and that he would makes repairs in the house so that I could rent it out or sell it before he left and would be moved in 5 to 6 weeks, the kids were already taken out of school and records gotten. (it is summer) That his wife had a job there waiting on her.
During the following week, I tried to hold my head up and let it sink it that it could not be true that he would sell all I worked for and leave me high and dry with nothing. He became more angry toward me during this next week. He wanted to use my car to take her out to clubs (which they did not do before) he did not drink and he was spending money lavishly on that and I needed money for bills piling up. He told me I would get it but would not tell me when. He got extremely angry with me because he wanted to use my car to take his wife out and when I told him no he threatened me and told me I better be careful or I would not get a thing. He would not give me the key to my vehicle and so I had to get my spare and get it. I was so hurt. I told him he could use it to take his wife to work and bring her home or important errands but not to party in. He had about 6 people piled in it the week before and I was worried about him wrecking it and then I would be in a bind. So he told me that he needed to pick his wife up from work and did not come home til 4:30 the next morning. I went to get it about 7 to take the kids to church and a ball game and he would not get up out of bed to find the keys for me and did not put gas in it. I knew then that he was really going to hang me out to dry. The next day my mother who was visiting went home and I went to my sisters. I have been sick to my stomach and looked up detaching from a narcissist. I have written affirmations and try remember them. My heart races and I feel like throwing up… I joined a small group at church this Wed on restoration and recovery from disappointments or disasters. I could not share… It is to painful. My good friend, my only son that I trusted with everything could do this to me. He has called to use my car but I remind him he as a truck to use it and he starts to threaten me and I tell him I cannot communicated with him like this and hang up. He told me last night when I went to pick the 14 year old up to take to church with my daughters 16 years old and my 17 year old nephew that she could not go (over the phone he was not home) then he called me and told me that we were not to communicate with the 14 year old daughter any more. I had called to get the password to sprint to get a new phone and still use that number since I had put that number on job applications and he told me that I would have that phone that he would not drop it since it was a family plan and only 10 bucks a month. This week I was at Bass Pro talking to HR and they went to put their number in my phone by calling and I had no service. It was disconnected. I don’t know why I believed him after all that has happened. Habit I guess.. but I have spent the past week and a half at my sisters and the past few days I have cried every day like a river that won’t stop. I really can’t afford to grieve.. I have to find a job and I can not get my mind on job hunting like I should. I am very qualified to work but am afraid I will break down and start crying and that would not be helpful. I feel so much pain and sick and tired and get out of breath easily. God has brought me through painful times before and I know I have to grieve but I can’t afford to and need to get to work. My mother said I need to separate the job hunting from the personal but I don’t know how as hard as I try. I am so very sad. I love my son so much and it is so hard for me to believe that he could do this to me. I feel used, lied to and manipulated. I could have saved money for myself and yet he always had one more thing that would would make the company better or more profitable for us both. I try not to think of the things I should or should not have done with affirmations and today cleaning my sisters frige I cried because I am tired of hurting and everything being such an effort.