devastated and confused

by Jenny
(Germany)

First of all, sorry for the many spelling mistakes. English is not my primary or native language.
It's been 2 years now and I'm still not over it. I don't know what to do anymore. Anti-depressants, counceling, nothing really helped yet.
Though my breakup seems not to be nearly as tragic as the ones I read here, it still hurts tremendously.
I am an international hotel manager and for 8 years I have been sent from one location to the next to open up new properties. I love to travel and see the world. I loved the path of live I've chosen. In 2009 I was stationend in Mexico.
I worked there for 1 week and then went out to celebrate my birthday. Alone of course. I never had a real relationship before. Which man would move from country to country behind his woman who is most likely making more money than him? But I was still young (29) and thought I had all the time to settle down and get serious. I just wanted to have fun. So I went to the party zone where one seller after the other was trying to get me into their clubs. That's where I met him.
He was hot and I was flattered, though I thought, it was part of his job to flirt with me. But we met again and again and again. I fell in love with him really fast even though I didn't want to, cause I knew my time in Mexico was only temporary. But I couldn't help it. I got to know him as an honest, caring and kind person, who tried to do anything to make me happy. He had his issues but he was very open about it. He moved in with me after just a couple of months. He was the first boyfriend I ever lived with and I loved it. I loved him. We had our fights as well of course, but we always made up. Then came the day of my next assignment. I was so sad I cried for days. Then we made use of the little time we still had together and spend another awesome month together. We decided that I would finish this last assignement in Australia and then put in for a transfer to UK and get everything set up. In the meanwhile he would get his documents and passport together and get a job in the UK as well. He has family there. We planned our live together. But we also promised eachother, that if one of us couldn't handle the long distance relationship anymore or met someone new, we would at least be open & honest with eachother. For a while this went well. I missed him terribly and I thought he missed me too. I felt lonely and started to gain weight. I used to be a very open person, easily finding friends. But then, all I wanted to do after work was to get home and catch him on fb or skype. He was my live. After a while, the calls became less and less and I guess deep inside I knew what was up. I just didn't wanna believe it. Around christmas time we made plans for him to come visit me. I bought him presents and even sent him money for the ticket and the passport. What I didn't know is that he never planned to come to me. He already found his new girlfriend and actually spent christmas with her, while telling me, he couldn't call because he had to work. It was the saddest christmas I ever had. It was the first one I had with my family again after 8 years abroad and yet I coulnd't enjoy it.
He then "by accident" changed his fb status to single and blew off at me when I confronted him. After 4 more weeks of lies and betrayal he finally confessed. During all that he still told me how much he loved and misses me everytime we talked and apologized for being so short and cranky. Just a lot of stress...Stress my a**! His new bi*** simply wanted him to make more money than he could. She wanted him to be "the man" and support her, which was the opposite of our situation. Right after confessing, he immediately blocked me from everything. So there I was. Angry at him for cheating, lying and betraying me and then being such a coward about it. Angry at me, for having sent him money, even though I new something was up. Angry at our friends who didn't tell me sh** and angy at the world for not being able to do anything about it. Being an ocean apart, I couldn't drunk-dial him, hit him, smash his car, intrigue his girlfriend or anything else just-left-ex-girlfriends normally do. I was helpless and alone. No one to talk to, no one and nothing to direct my anger to. For months I didn't go out, had any socal contacts, phone calls, chats or anything. I separated myself from everything and everyone. I cried all the time and was heavily depressed while angry at the same time. Then came the "scre*-you-phase". Since I still knew his email password I started checking it. He "loved" many different girls. So I signed on to some dating site and "did" one guy after the other. A what you can do I can do better kinda thing. I wanted to feel something, feel someone. But each time was terrible and I felt more alone and desperate for love after each time.
So now, for one year, I haven't had any sex or relationship again. I feel like I can't trust anyone, that, if I get close to someone again, I get heartbroken again. I'm so lonely. I took some anti-depressants and saw a shrink for a while, but the thing is, during the day I can put myself together, see the whole story rational and make well-thought-through plans to get over it. But as soon as I'm alone at my place my world collapses. All helped for a while and I would seem to get over it but within one moment I can crash again. I hear a song, see a video, watch a movie or talk about something that reminds me of him and all the sudden I go from happy-normal to suicidal.
Half a year ago he contacted me again, cried about how sorry he was, how I was the only one who ever truly loved him. Putting him to the test, I asked him, about his new fb friends (he didn't know how to block that). I already knew the answer from his emails. I advised him, to really tell me me the truth. There was no point of lying since we were already separated. And still he chose the wrong answer. I was boiling with anger and rage and planned my revenge. I planned to sweet-talk him into coming to visit me, I would sponsor his flight, use him, and then go on a trip with him. At some point I would just have to go to the restroom and leave him alone back in the woods. With nothing but the clothes he's wearing. No ticket, no money, no directions, far away from home, airport or my place and in a for him foreign country where he doesn't speak the language. All alone. I want him to feel as scared and lonely as I am. There are days when I don't care if he would die out there. That's how much I hate him now sometimes. I would then drive home and impound his laptop and things to get my money back. Isn't this horrible? I'm scared of myself for even thinking these thoughts.
Now, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I hate him, sometimes I miss him and sometimes I love and wanna be with him. Sometimes all at once. Sometimes I remember the good times we had, sometimes the fights. Am I nuts? Why would I wanna be with someone like him? I guess it's because I think I can't find somebody else. Am I doomed to be alone? He was my one and only, the one I thought I would marry, hav children and live with happyly ever after.

Of course, until this day I still didn't get my money back, or get his notice about that visit. Yes, he promised, uncountable times, but we all know by now how much his promises are worth.

But I still think about him everyday. He's still my first thought when I wake up and my last before I go to bed. I sometimes dream about him too. How do I make this stop? Am I obsessed? How can I get that closure, everybody talks about?

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