Devastated

by Tanya

Ok will keep this as brief as possible. I am in *ell. I was married for 18 yrs to a guy who changed as soon as the wedding ring went on. Verbally abusive etc - left over the years about 5 times and went back because he said he would change. Didn't happen and he treated my daughter like dirt (daughter was born from first love, another story) Put it this way my daughter is scarred by him (my ex husband) evil man. I left over 2 yrs ago and he is completely out of my system - I hadn't loved him for some time before I left. I met this other guy whom I have known through work. He chased me years ago but I was still married - and even if I was single I was not interested. I happened to get talking to him and we met up and it started from there - sweet, loving everything I wanted only thing was that he seemed too keen. He moved in with me everything was sweet, then I came home from work one day and he was gone.. took him back and he cleared off again. This man has manipulated me and hit me and is jealous. I fell head over heels in love with him. I know he is no good for me but I love him so so much and it hurts like *ell. Like real pain. He cheated on me and I took him back (I know what a fool). When things were good oh so good - heaven. I joined a gym when I dumped him for cheating. We got back together, doesn't want me going there, doesn't want me going out on my own with my friends etc. Calls them woodwork friends and they are not real friends. Accuses me of wanting to pose and look good for other men. Seems he wants to control me and the vile and abusive things he has said to me. He loves me one minute doesn't want to know the next. Think there is something actually wrong with him. I am 41 and he is 52. He walked because I wanted to go back to the gym in the evenings. I even started to go in the mornings before work which was killing me but it made him happy... After all the verbal abuse and put downs he decides that he wants to come see me and when I said I had other plans and he didn't get his way, then comes the abuse and that he wants me out of his life and that I am nothing to him and that he never loved me. Head melter. how do I stop loving this man? This has lasted 2 years. I could go on and on. Please help.. :(

Comments for Devastated

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Sep 30, 2014
Thanks
by: Tanya

I just want to thank everyone for their comments - has really helped. Judith maybe I didn't explain properly.. my daughter has no contact with my ex husband and hasn't for over 2 years.. I got away from that and have definitely moved on. I keep thinking there is something seriously wrong with me to deserve all this.. I am a very loving person and very loyal and I am not a cheater.. I just want to have a happy life with someone who I KNOW would do anything for me.. I think this guy wants it all on his terms.. I still love him very much - he wants to talk to get things sorted but I really don't know I have a gut feeling. Not taking anymore crap - I am stressed beyond belief and don't need anymore... I feel broken - I think you are also right in saying after my marriage I should have went to councelling - I could really do with it right now...... thanks everyone
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ed note: Judith from California, please contact me via "Contact Us" button on the left. I wooould appreciate it very much.
Jennie from Recover-From-Grief

Sep 26, 2014
Take a baby step out the
by: Anonymous

Sorry that you have found yourself once again in great pains. I have done the same and to break the bond is to find strength in a friend or someone who is not or will be another man I. Your life. To stand by me to make a baby step to leave home, town or whatever to make him stop contact me. Yes, I was in pains because of love. But as I never answered his calls, my love dies and turns into anger. I woke up! And learnt I am better than this and found nicer men out there, but I promise myself not to move on until I was strong, and knew my rights and made contact with female friends who would keep me on track when I was feeling lost. I was wrongly mental attack by step father, so I was a pleaser. My first man was wonderful, but wasn't ready. The next 3 men was so awful and I had wasted so many years in pains. I became an empty shells because that's what I thought I deserve. But its all a lie. Once I took the baby steps I saw the real me and who I was and what i designed to be. You are designed not to be a victim but an overcomer. Your life is daughter life, to show that you can learn from mistakes and have a better life. And a role model for turning bad to good. We can make choices, we can find real happened but no one CAN give its to you. Only YOU can make that choice. To stay in love and be in pains or get out in pains of love that's will heal in time for something better for you and your daughter? Its that simple but very very hard to take that baby step, but once you get going, you keep going. ...

Sep 26, 2014
Get Rid of Him
by: Anonymous

When you get my age and I look back on some of the good for nothing men I got my self involved I wonder what was wrong with me. Like Hello are you home and can't see what this idiot is doing to you. My advise is take your lovely 41 year old body and move on and find a nice man who appreciates you. Don't waste your time on this man its not worth it. He is 11 years older than you he has much more to lose than you. Move on and be glad.

Sep 26, 2014
Devestated over a POS?!!
by: judith in California

Tanya, I will not mince words as I never do. You ask how can I stop loving this man? well my dear you obviously haven't really read what you wrote. How could you possibly love a man who did not love you and constantly showed it by emotionally and physically abusing you and emotionally abusing your daughter? Huh? YOUR job is to protect your daughter from men like this. He is an abuser! pure and simple. HE wanted to keep you away form friends and family because then he could do his beating of you and you would have no one to turn to. They try to isolate you form all you know. YOUR job is to protect yourself form men like this. This man is seriously in need of help, none of which you could ever give him or have the time for. You can't love someone into being a decent person or a person of character. You Tanya must ,from this minute on, stop the cycle of going for the wrong kind of man. It begins with you getting the help you need to find out why you feel you don't deserve better in life. You don't need so much attention from a man to put up with b/s. It's okay to not be with someone. It's better to be alone and feel good about yourself and know your daughter isn't being exposed to abuse. Being alone is better than what you have. You need to take a man break and find out who you are and what it is you really need . You are teaching your daughter in what you do. She will need you to show her how to care about herself and to set high standards for herself and not let any man talk her down from them.
It's you who must do the hard work to stop letting her see her mother is willing to put up with crap just to have a man.

Please make a promise to yourself and your daughter to end this horrible cycle .

He treated you the way he did because you showed him he could.

Do not ever let anyone tell you what you can or can not do , or where you can or cannot go or be around who you want to be around. No one owns you or should ever attempt to. AND DO NOT EVER GO NEAR HIM AGAIN OR SPEAK TO HIM OR ALLOW YOUR DAUGHTER NEAR MEN LIKE THIS. Get a restraining order if you have to. Send a clear message that you are done.

My first husband was such a man. That's why I'm being so adamant about what you need to do.

Shelters for battered women are full of women like you. If you don;t get some help you will keep fining man who will do a lot of harm to you or your daughter. Most abusers eventually attempt to have sex with the daughters of the women they live with.

Sep 26, 2014
Devastated
by: Doreen UK

Tanya you should have gone in to counselling after your 18yrs. marriage broke up. Even if you say that you have gotten over him and he is out of your head you may be attracting men who abuse you. It is worth exploring. I understand the dynamics of the personality and behaviour which is too long winded and complex. But it is possible to be addicted to a relationship even if it is not working and is abusive. Somehow we can go through life locked into a certain lifestyle and pattern, and not be fully aware of what is happening till it starts to bite.
Your daughter who has scars from another relationship could also benefit from the healing experience counselling provides. (if you get the right counselor.) I have done this grief work so know it does work if done well.
People come together with baggage. This is no secret because we all have different histories and nurturing. Often when in relationship we can either bring out the worst in each other or the best in each other, but still love each other to bits that you can't imagine life without that person. Even if they are no good for us.
The key is FOCUS. You could benefit from seeing a counselor to EXPLORE what is going on. You enjoy the gymn and should continue this irrespective of how this jealous man behaves. This man is not treating you right, as was your EX who you left.
I can't understand how any man could treat a woman with contempt and control. But again it is his problem (which is affecting you.) Is your self-esteem so low that a man could use this weakness that he can EXPLOIT?? Shouldn't happen, but it does. I can't understand how you can feel devastated by a man who manipulates you and walks out on you, and cheats on you. Any good counselor can help you with how you feel. I am fascinated by studying the family dynamics and how people are attracted to each other despite it being wrong. I know you can be helped to get over this man. You may not want to by having a strong resistance to moving on and getting that man out of your system. From how you talk about his behavior towards you it does nothing to make a relationship work well towards mutual happiness. It is all about CONTROL. This needs to be explored and resolved. Only then will you be ready for any serious relationship. You will then be more likely to attract the right man, and find the happiness you need, and deserve. Start building yourself up, it will help you cope better, and help you work on yourself and what changes you need to make.

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