by Susan

I am devastated. My husband no longer wants our marriage and I don't know what to do. We have been married for 27 years and I am 50 years old starting again. I love my husband and children more than anything in the world and have devoted my life to them. I worked part time in a business with my husband as well. Now, I am out of my home and business because my husband said he needs lots of time and space. He does not want to communicate with me and I am finding that so difficult. He appears so cruel to me after all these years.He seems like a different person. I find all of it hard to believe. I need help moving forward....I am at a loss and feel sometimes like I just can't cope with the loss. I have decided after 3 months of trying to convince him not to throw the marriage away that I need to stop trying to fix it and let it be. He only hurts me again and again with the answer that he gives me. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Any advice you have would be much appreciated as I am desperate for some of this emotional pain to ease. I cry all the time and even though I know that has to stop, i can't seem to help it.

Comments for Devastated

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Nov 15, 2014
Been There Myself Learn From My Mistake
by: Could Be Anonymous

I understand what you are going thru since I had this happen to me also. He walked away and was very mean and mad, as if it was all my fault.

I gave up a great job to take care of my mom and help him start a small business on line. When he walked away from the marriage took the business with him, I was 57 yrs old and left with no job at a time when the economy took a nose dive.

He would not talk to me only thru his lawyer, I was left to sell the house since I had no income to support a mortgage.

All thru the 3 yr divorce process I loved him and kept praying and hoping his eyes would open and want to come back to our marriage.

This is very important what I am going to tell you next. You need to focus on YOU, yes you will love him and miss him and want that marriage back. BUT the bottom line is this, it has to be his decision.

I made a very big mistake while waiting for him to change his mind, I allowed him to take what ever he could from the house and even gave him so much thinking when he came back he would feel loved by me.

He in turn treated me with disrespect which was his nature since he was a mad and verbally abusive man. I allowed all this for the chance of him changing his mind...WRONG!!!!

I lost my house, my car died, I had to give up my beloved dog to him because I lived in an apartment and she was a barked which bothered the tenants, I had no job but did have spousal support, worked different jobs to obtain permanent employment which I do have now but it is not full time.

My health took a hit also, going thru a divorce with a mean person is not easy. So my advice to you is pray for YOU to get you thru this, pray for him as someone you love who needs prayer...AND get a good lawyer!!!

Place your trust in God to help you thru what you face. God Bless You

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Nov 06, 2014
26 years and betrayed
by: Anonymous

Susan I can relate's been 5.5 years I was devastated I adored him we had a great marriage ..together 28 years and he started playing poker all of a sudden and met someone there still with this day he never really says why...I was literally sick it changed my life,my beliefs my thoughts ..I still dont understand part is last year he came. Around fix stuff for me and he hit on me...imagine was yet to cheat in her too..I personally think was mid life ..he is now 57 I'm 52..I'm still in pain's painful ..I feel I shall not recover totally just enough to survive???not trust issues ??just my spirit is broken .every day is a struggle son is now 30 years old engaged ..prob looks at me says why can't mom really move on? That's 100million dollar question..

Nov 05, 2014
by: Doreen UK

Susan Cry all you need to so that a lot of that pain can come out of you.
I urge you to go and see a good counselor/marriage counselor for advice and support. There are underlying reasons why your husband is behaving the way he is towards you, and you need clarity here from the skills of a counselor. It will also give you the time and space for you to talk and have this space for YOU.
You also need to nurture yourself at this time with many good things you do each day to lift your spirits up. Don't try to work out what went wrong or to try and get into his head and try to understand what is going on. He could be having a breakdown and not understand his own feelings and emotions.
My Son has been married 3yrs. Has her EX as a friend and they have 3 in the marriage. My son has been through so much hurt and pain also. I have had to use skills to help him FOCUS on what is important and to observe all the nice things that his wife is doing in the marriage and use this as a foundation for moving forward. They are in couple counselling.
Keeping some sort of FOCUS is what is important to defray a lot of the pain of just being in relationship and loose ends not resolved.
It is such a painful time when a marriage is in trouble, and also feels like a death.
Having lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. 6months ago leaves me feeling relieved somewhat that I don't have to face the grief you are going through. So many marriages are going through a lot of turbulence and breakdown and leaves one with no energy or motivation to move forward.
Forcing your husband to not give up on the marriage may just make him feel under pressure. If he was willing to try couple counseling this may help both of you move forward better.
Life throws a lot at marriage and families and if problems are not resolved they can pile up to crisis point when many bail out later in life when they should be working towards retirement and building a better life when the children leave the nest. This is often the time that many couples separate and think that a new relationship or an affair is the answer. Not realizing that affairs don't last. Life happens. When they go through storms the new relationships can also be tested to breaking point. Then they can often miss what they had and lost. Marriage is hard work. Life is hard work. Tread carefully and cautiously. Given some TIME and SPACE may be all that is needed for your husband to process his thoughts and feelings and find some healing to bring him back to reality of what is happening to him and you and the family. Please write back with update or for further support.

Nov 04, 2014
I am in the same boat
by: Anonymous

Dear Devasated,

I am in the boat. After 45 yrs of marriage he said to me he needs space and took a lot of money out of our joint checking acct. I found out and I took out the same amt. I have one daughter and three grandkids. I am very close to my daughter. He seems to have changed after he retired after working 35 yrs. I did not expect this after being married so long I am 72 and he turned 77 last year. I am a very attractive woman and do not look my age. It is going to be two years since this happened. He moved into a studio apt.He comes to visit two to three times a week, to see my daughter and the children. He really has no family other than myself. I have been going to a social worker for almost one year and a half about 9 months he started to go there with me. It seems he wants to keep this arrangement. My world turned upside down when this happened but I am hanging in there.

He has some medical problems that he kept secret from me. When he gets ill and it will happen at his age 77, who will be there for him?

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