Did I kill you?

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Did I kill you?

by Candace Supiran
(Gardnerville, Nevada)

My dad shot himself in the head in 2000. Sometimes people joke about blowing their head off. Instead of laughing I freeze, picturing my father's head all over a 4 by 6 bathroom. He was 55. I was 29.

My husband...we married in 2002 and I found him dead in bed 2 years later. He suffered from a heart attack at the age of 33. He had orange foam coming out of his nose and his eyes were open. That is an image that will never be erased from my mind.

I tried to fool myself into thinking i was better and ready to move on. It was 5 yrs. I met someone else and 4 months into our relationship he discovered he had stage 4 esophageal cancer that had taken over his liver. He tried chemo but it was too far gone. He went into hospice. He died Jan 22. He was 42.

I'm not ok. Im so not ok. I go through the motions. I fool myself. I fool others into thinking I'm this happy go lucky girl. I go home by myself and hang out with my 2 beautiful dogs. It's where I feel safe. I'm so scared and I really don't know of what..

I quickly (maybe too quick) got a new boyfriend. I had known him 20 yrs ago and he had also lost his wife. He ended up getting mad at me and when he did he wanted to hurt me emotionally. He said my love killed my husband and my boyfriend. He said I kill everything I touch. He said he was going to kill himself in my car. I don't speak to him anymore.

I logically know what he said is not true but emotionally I am not dealing well with it..as expected I suppose.

I thought I was healing. I thought I was dealing with the January death well....how did I return here? I feel like I don't know anything anymore, what's right what's wrong. I just always feel so wrong and I want to quit crying. I want to heal..I don't want to be scared anymore. Please help.

________________________

From Jennie:

Candace, I usually do not intervene with Yourspace submissions, but I just have a gut feeling you might be overwhelmed and at risk here. Please find someone you trust to talk to... a good friend, clergyman, or even a family member.

Yours sounds like a complicated grief, very hard to get through without help. Please get some counseling, Candace. Maybe just a few sessions will help you put things in perspective.

We all care about you here, please post again to let us know you got some support.

Comments for
Did I kill you?

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Sounds Familiar
by: Anonymous

I just read your post. I am in shock to hear that you've lost two loves. I've lost 2 as well. I am only 34 but I feel much older now. I also lost my first child during birth. What do we do? I find it hard to leave my house as well, or I'll just drive on long dirt roads for hours at a time going nowhere just thinking and trying to get rid of this guilt. My first love who I was engaged to shot himself in his mouth last year. Then for some sick reason my high school sweetheart who i was with for 6 years (we were still friends) hung himself! Both of these men were 35!!! Yeah i hear you when you think its your fault believe me. I try not to make any friends because i think i will curse them or something. I'm trying to move on and get healthy again too but what do we do if it does happen again?

Thank you
by: Candace

Your wonderful comments and support really brought tears to my eyes. It's heartwarming to know you took the time to help and send me a kind word.

I'm sorry we have all experienced the callousness of someone's hurtful words or actions. It's wrong and cruel like you said, and so so unnecessary.
I'm not religious but I believe in God and boy he must have a plan for me because these experiences certainly do not predict a weak soul.

We have all been to hell, sometimes checking in for weeks at a time, or sometimes an hour. I'm not quite sure how to live up there with the happy people but I'll tell ya one thing I'm going to kick these demons in the face and tell them to f*@k off. It might hurt when they kick back but I will survive..we all are.

My heartfelt thanks to you for taking a moment to sit with me here where I have fell....

Hang in there, I understand, too!
by: Nancy Shoger Martin

Oh, Candace! I, too, have felt the guilt over a suicide (my first boyfriend), and had someone MEANLY tell me that it was my fault (my ex-husband). That man who told you that is SICK and WRONG--but you must know that!! and I, too, am dealing w/both grief and guilt of my wonderful husband's passing last month, since he died of a heart attack at home, and I wonder if it was b/c I didn't perform the CPR correctly. (We, too, had only been married a short while.) You TRULY will be in my thoughts and prayers (am learning how to pray again!). Please get some help to deal with the HUGE issues you are facing--you shouldn't do this alone! Even if it's just to "friend" me on fb--I'll listen, and be there for you. Good luck, and God bless!!

You are NOT to blame
by: Mary-Ann

Candace,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I lost my husband in January 2009 and I was the one who could not save him. He had just undergone a simple operation but apparently they gave him too much anesthesia and he never totally woke up from it. I am a caregiver and the guilt I feel over not being able to save the one person who meant the world to me is overwhelming. Even though it has been 16 months, it seems like yesterday. The only way I am able to cope is by seeing a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly, plus working 80+ hours a week, and going back to school full time. This way I don't have time to myself and time to miss him more than I already do. My doctors tell me this is not good but at this point this is the only way I can cope. It doesn't get easier, but it does get different. If only I could get over the guilt of "not seeing any signs" and forgiving myself for not being able to do anything for him. My prayers and thoughts are with you, but please know that you DID NOT do anything wrong.

I understand
by: Sandy

Hello. I read your story and I just wanted to let you know that guilt is SO huge during grief...even when there is only one death to deal with, it is overwhelming. For me, I blamed myself every possible way and from every possible angle. I had to talk to a counselor to deal with the guilt alone. I also know how it feels to get involved with someone in order to combat the loneliness and to provide a distraction from the pain. I am extremely careful about the people I allow into my life now because I don't feel well. My husband died last year and I am not well. I do okay, that is what I say but inside, I know that I am not the same but I may never be the same.

I am not a counselor but I feel that the new guy saying those things caused you to have to dredge up old feelings of guilt and that was extremely cruel of him. I have family members who have said some equally cruel things about me and the death of my husband because we were having marital problems. I have nothing to do with them as a result. Please don't allow yourself to torture yourself about things people say. And know that you are not alone....so many of us out here are suffering. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May God be with you.

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Did I kill you?

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Did I kill you?