Did I kill you?
by Candace Supiran
My dad shot himself in the head in 2000. Sometimes people joke about blowing their head off. Instead of laughing I freeze, picturing my father's head all over a 4 by 6 bathroom. He was 55. I was 29.
My husband...we married in 2002 and I found him dead in bed 2 years later. He suffered from a heart attack at the age of 33. He had orange foam coming out of his nose and his eyes were open. That is an image that will never be erased from my mind.
I tried to fool myself into thinking i was better and ready to move on. It was 5 yrs. I met someone else and 4 months into our relationship he discovered he had stage 4 esophageal cancer that had taken over his liver. He tried chemo but it was too far gone. He went into hospice. He died Jan 22. He was 42.
I'm not ok. Im so not ok. I go through the motions. I fool myself. I fool others into thinking I'm this happy go lucky girl. I go home by myself and hang out with my 2 beautiful dogs. It's where I feel safe. I'm so scared and I really don't know of what..
I quickly (maybe too quick) got a new boyfriend. I had known him 20 yrs ago and he had also lost his wife. He ended up getting mad at me and when he did he wanted to hurt me emotionally. He said my love killed my husband and my boyfriend. He said I kill everything I touch. He said he was going to kill himself in my car. I don't speak to him anymore.
I logically know what he said is not true but emotionally I am not dealing well with it..as expected I suppose.
I thought I was healing. I thought I was dealing with the January death well....how did I return here? I feel like I don't know anything anymore, what's right what's wrong. I just always feel so wrong and I want to quit crying. I want to heal..I don't want to be scared anymore. Please help.
Candace, I usually do not intervene with Yourspace submissions, but I just have a gut feeling you might be overwhelmed and at risk here. Please find someone you trust to talk to... a good friend, clergyman, or even a family member.
Yours sounds like a complicated grief, very hard to get through without help. Please get some counseling, Candace. Maybe just a few sessions will help you put things in perspective.
We all care about you here, please post again to let us know you got some support.