Did my mother die because of my small mistake in my job....

I lost my mother suddenly on 12/2/13 due to a heart attack. My mothers age was 50 at that time and i was 28. She had no heart problems and was healthy and used to go to the market and to do daily house hold things.
She was only suffering from psychiatric illness bipolar psychosis since 20 years but used to have medicines and lead a normal life. she had diabetes and thyroid problem but that doesnt lead to sudden death.
My name is raymond. I am the only child of my mom and she was also the only child.I was only earning member at home and supported my mom. She was divorced since 25 years and I used to stay with her and take care of her. Me my mom and my maid lived together and had a good life as i was in a good job and earning well. Then I took up a job abroad and used to be in touch with my mom and visit her every 3 months
I was happy with my job until one day one small incident changed my whole life forever. I committed a small mistake in my job unintentionally where i accessed a security restricted area and I wasnt aware that area is security restricted. I asked my supervisor permission that could i go there to keep something and he allowed because my supervisor also was not aware. This wasnt taught to me in my training also it wasnt in any manual and there was no memo for it released my the company.
I myself told the company that i entered that area when the company called me in relation to some other issue .I was put on investigation . Days and days passed and i didnt know what would be the result. everyone told me its fine and nothing will happen. Its a small issue. Hence i shared with my mother. Initially she was fine but as days passed she felt more stressed it was 3 days ...6 days ...10 days and still i was suspended for my small mistake and didnt know what to expect. All I knew tht my mother was getting more stressed after each passing day.
Then finally after 2 weeks my company told me its a serious issue and its common sense that I should have not accessed tht area and it would lead to my termination from my job.

I never made any mistake in my job and was promoted due to my good performance ...but this small mistake which i made unintentionally and without knowing that its a mistake cost me my job. My mother was heartbroken and more stressed but i told her i couldn't do anything and its just my bad luck and misfortune that such a thing happened .
I told my mom i had my final appeal with the chairman if he comes back in time and if management allows me to meet him. Nevertheless i have to start my clearance process and its up to chairman if possible to forgive me and give me my job back. Only god and prayers can help me.

My mother and I prayed fervently that I save my job because i left a good job back home and came abroad to make my future but this small mistake changed everything. I requested the management to give me once chance but they didn't and said if chairman doesn't come i will have to go.
My visa was cancelled .. i returned all company belongings during 4 days of my clearance process and I was ready to expect the worst . I had already lost my job .what more could I loose. Then next day when the chairman came I wasnt allowed by security to meet him and was told i need an appointment. I told them I lost my job and day after I am going forever . Please give me one chance to see him as I am only earning member of my family and supporting my mother. Still I didnt get chance and I told my mother I will try again tommorow to meet chairman because i want justice.
My mother told me forget it and just come back .. enough of torture you have gone through .. you will find another job. I am really sad at what you have been through.
I told my mother till last day i will try to meet chairman and explain my situation because i want justice.

As god would wish 1 day before going i managed to go to chairman office without an appointment and explained my situation and He reinstated me although demoted me but atleast i got my job back. My mother was happy and so was I.
My mother just told me that she wants to see me for some time and spend time with me after so much ordeal and torchure of 3 weeks where i lost my job and found it. I told her I will take my 15 days leave next month and come home to be with her, but now would like to resume my job.
She said im very sad that you are not coming now. I told her just wait 1 month as i just got my job back and need to get back in the flow.
After 1 week I got a call from my neighbour that my mother suffered from a heart attack and was no more. I couldnt believe it as last night I spoke to her and she said she was feeling a little sick so went to a dr and took some medicine but would be ok.
Then next morning suddenly my mother became very sick and called the doctor home . the doctor gave her injection and told my neighbour and friends they need to call ambulance to take her to hospital.
My friends and neighbour called ambulance but within 10 mins she suffered a major heart attack or cardiac failure and was no more. I was in complete shock . I just spoke to my mother yesterday and chatted with her on whats app . how could this happen.. she couldnt even tell me her last wish.. I felt that this couldnt happen and its not true. Why did this thing happen to me.
That was the saddest news i would hear and I reached home next day as i had to take a flight. Its the biggest shock and regret of my life.
I feel why did i share my problem with her. why did my mother take so much stress for my job. my job was not more important than her life. i can find a new job but once life goes it never comes back. I lost my job but die to gods grace i got it back... please can god help to take away everything and give life back to my mother.

I am alone without her and miss her so much and she was part of my life, my best friend and i shared everything with her. she loved me unconditionally and I was her most prized possession. She couldn't see me under stress or sad.
I researched online and found out stress can be a major factor to cause sudden heart attack without any family history. So stress killed my mother and I regret that because of my problem she was so stressed that it took her life. Thats what a mothers love is. and its the greatest love anyone can find.. You can breakup with your boyfriend... divorce your wife ... but you cannot breakup or divorce your mother. She is part of your life and willing to give up her life for you.
So people please dont trouble your mothers and give them stress because you dont know. how much your mother loves you and sometimes your sadness or problems can take her life. bad times and misfortune will come and go... jobs will come and go ...money will come and go ...relations will end and start again or new ones will start ... health will come and go...we still have hope for all these things to improve and hope for a better future.

But when life goes there is no hope of it coming back and this is the saddest truth in life. Losing your loved ones is the worst and saddest moment of life and especially if it was the one you loved the most. Dearest mummy I love you a lot and will always do and i pray you are happy in heaven as you were a gem of a person.

But as per science and logic i feel stress killed my mother but i being a muslim and some what religious person believe that god almighty has written everyone's time of death and only he knows.. and when its time for you to go nothing can stop death from taking your life. Thts the hardest reality of life. But i believe in day of judgement and everyones life and deeds will be accounted and by gods grace my mother will live in heaven happily ever after. Sometimes there is no justice in this world and my mother died too soon just at 50.. she wanted to see me married and i was taking her to vacation to singapore this year but all my dreams came crashing down.

I just pray for my mother because there is nothing more i can do. I have become more religious person and hope i meet my mom some day in heaven.I can never love anyone more than my mother and I will always miss her. Now all i can do is cherish her fond memories and remember her.

from a loving son who misses his mom too much

Comments for Did my mother die because of my small mistake in my job....

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May 07, 2013
Dear Raymond,
by: Pat

Just got your latest message. You sound a little more grounded, but I am still very concerned about your remark of looking for a woman to love. You stated that you had never been in love or had a girlfriend. Your mother meant everything to you.

Take a step back and look at your life. If your mother consumed your whole life, so much so that you never had a girlfriend or was in love with a woman, this is not a healthy situation. Most people love their mothers, but in a parent-child relationship. On the other hand, they develop a romantic relationship with a member of the opposite sex, fall in love, get married, and have children. The mother-son relationship is quite different from the male/female relationship that occurs normally. It sounds like your relationship with your mother might have been what is called an Oedipus complex. You were and still are obsessed with your mother so much that you tried to take on your father's role to meet your mother's needs. When you could not be there for your mother, she tried to make you feel guilty for that, probably, because she did not have the support of a spouse. You became her spouse.

Not being able to separate from your mother and seek a romantic relationship of your own is not normal. Until you can learn to let your mother go and see her strictly as a mother, you will not be able to find a love relationship with another woman. In a sense, you are in love with your mother. You need help, Raymond. I know you are busy and travel a lot, but your life will never be fulfilled until you can separate from your mother and build new relationships.

I am a trained counselor and that is how I recognize what you are saying. I'm sure you want to find happiness, but you cannot develop a relationship with another woman, until you can let your mother/son ties loosen. You must find the time to see a counselor or a doctor to help you work through this. Your mother tried to keep you close by making you feel ashamed and trying to keep you emotionally dependent on her. She had an abnormal control over you. She probably felt lost herself, since your father was never available for her.

I am so sorry you have to face all of this, but you will find true happiness, if you do face it. Take care. Pat

May 07, 2013
@pat... thanks for your guidance
by: raymond

Dear Pat ,
I had been busy with my job travelling and stuff so couldnt reply. I feel with time the pain becomes lesser, but still you have unfulfilled dreams which were very much possible to be fulfilled.
I try to stop thinking about my.mom. because the more I.think I.only feel sad n.depressed. My mother only wanted to see me happy.always and if she sees me in guilt depression,.& sadness she would never be happy. Hence I.have come to terms with reality n understood that once in.lifetime . Everyone has to suffer the berevement of a loved one. One day everyone will die sooner or later.
When I read stories of people whose loved ones passed too soon like mine . I feel better that im not alone going through this suffering.
I will now soon.look.to find some woman.to get married because I was never in.love and never had any girlfriend. My mother was everything for.me n I.shared everything.with her. But without her I feel very lonely .. I have my friends and relatives but thats never going to fill the gap.
I only pray for my.mother.that.she is happy in.heaven n for almighty.to.give me strength.to live life happily. I m also planning to change my company and country where I.work.and im goin for an interview to dubai to find another job.
I feel my job issues caused stress to.my.mother n during her last days . She was not very happy because I was going through lot of problems which later did get resolved.

I want to start a new life in a new city n a new country in my current proffession. I just hope god helps me start a new life altogether n gives me peace and happiness to live my life ahead...I will.always cherish.my mothers fond memories but I.will never get that kind of love ever again in my life. And thats the truth.which I would have to live my life with

May 02, 2013
Did my mother die because of my small mistake in my job?....
by: Doreen U.K.

Raymond I ran out of space so have to continue post 2.
The clues are in your statements. "Why did my mom punish me" "Why is she being so selfish." "Why didn't she understand my job and if she hung on to life I was coming." almost as if you feel your mother is punishing you by dying too soon before you could get to her. You were caught in between two worlds. YOURS AND your MOTHER'S.
You then go and do some research to find out why your mother died too soon. Your research shows up A BROKEN HEART, as causing a heart attack. So in trying to find answers you now feel You are to blame for your mother's death because A BROKEN HEART can bring on a heart attack. Thus you are intensifying and clarifying your guilt.
I understand your CULTURE. I also understand to a degree your religious beliefs. I also understand your thinking and why you feel the way you do. Your soul must be in such turmoil and agony. You are in such a desperate place right now you need to see a psychologist/counsellor who will work with you and help you starting point with "THE CHILD WITHIN."
After seeing a psychologist/counsellor you will be able to get rid of your NEGATIVE thinking and start to think in a POSITIVE way. This will come naturally. You can't do that right now as your mothers death has triggered off so much pain and emotion and you are lost and confused right now in it all. Your MATURITY is all locked up in that of the child which is why the Man feels trapped in that child.
Death can trigger off the whole process and what life issues have never been resolved will show up at the time a significant person in your life died. Which was your mother. Take the time to do the inner work and you will reap the rewards and the benefits. You will then see your father differently and may even forge out a relationship with him that you always yearned for. You can go on to be happy again. The counselling work will be at times TEDIOUS and very PAINFUL dealing with the child within. You will CRY BUCKETS. But you will HEAL IN WAYS you never dreamed of. See this as an exciting venture into discovering yourself. I look forward to hearing from you that you have become that Man( who is trapped right now.)
I won't have the space to talk about your beliefs into SIN. It is all tied up in your nurturing. Counselling will address any distortions and misunderstandings and help you to see the family dynamics and you will have a future where if you marry and have children you won't pass on any distortions. You will break the family patterns of a lifetime and you can go on and write your own contract for how you want you life to be. This is a Challenge you can't afford to miss.

May 02, 2013
Did my mother die because of my small mistake in my job?.....
by: Doreen U.K.

Raymond Please see a therapist/counsellor so that you can get rid of your guilt and repression. You seem to understand the reality of your situation and then you go back into the mindset of your mother where you seem to feel as if you are being persecuted.
You also feel that you understand death but then you blame God for taking your mother too soon. also Toying with your beliefs of "IT IS WRITTEN." So this was your mother's DESTINY!. There is an AMBIVALENCE a Contradiction going on here which is why you need to see a counsellor.
I understand a great deal of what you are experiencing. I grew up with a lot of distortions and I went into counselling in my 40's and resolved these issues. I had an excellent psychologist/counsellor. I was always seen as a bright child but I ended up with so much AMBIVALENCE that I can almost feel what you are going through. It is only when a person comes out of the way your thinking is that one realises how desperate your situation is. Do you feel SUICIDAL at all?? I can pick this up in your desperation and your expression.
Your mother was TOO dependant on you. You are thus feeling inner turmoil in being torn between your Job and taking on board your mother's needs. you are caught in the middle of this war and it is taring you apart. as if you are saying. "Mummy you knew my job was important to me and I have to work" BUT "Mummy why didn't you understand? Why did you make things complicated for me and put me in a difficult position trying to do both?" NOW "Mummy you have left me with this pain of making the wrong decision. I should have put your needs first." You thus feel you let your mother down because you feel your job had to come first. THIS IS GUILT & ANGER at your mother for putting you in a difficult position of choosing HER OR YOUR JOB. A counsellor can help you with this. I can understand the family dynamics here and can understand now why you didn't marry.
It is possible for you with the help of a counsellor to get your life back. Lose your guilt, and grieve your losses of which not having a relationship with your father has been a big let down to you. Some nurturing of a mother can be unhealthy and thus stops a boy from becoming a man and as a result the mother nurtures her son with such a dependency on her there is a possessive relationship going on here. Counselling can help you here and you could end up one day meeting a woman and marrying and living a healthy happy life. Please write back and keep me updated. I wish you Peace and Comfort in your desperation.

May 02, 2013
dear pat
by: raymond

dear pat.. I do understand your concern.for me... but no one knws the situation whch happened ... n my.mothr passed away ... I was very close to my.mother n.she was everything for me... n I was too dependant on her emotionally .
so her leaving me suddenly n whn my problms were there made me think in a negative way..bcz b4 my problems she was completely fine n.happy around 2 weeks before her death..
I know that god wished it that way n my.moms death was predestined... soon I m trying to gather strength n move ahead in life...because my mother always wanted to see me happy n I dont.want to dissapoint.her by being sad....
the pain will never go but I.will become strong enough to handle it positively n I dont think I.need to see a counsellor... soon I will get back to normal... My job is an international airline n im always travelling around the world nit keeps me occupied . I m already busy with my.job.

Hopefully god will give me strength.n time will heal my wounds. However I m.thankful for everyone's support.


May 01, 2013
Dear Raymond,
by: Pat

Raymond, You are really suffering needlessly. Your mother's death was not your fault. It was also NOT an attack on you. Your statements about "life being meaningless without your mother," "why is life so unfair" and "why is Mummy punishing me","why couldn't she wait,why
was she so selfish" all indicate that you still do not understand what has happened. Your relationship with your mother sounds quite unusual. Your obsession over the fact that she died too soon or as a means of punishing you or that she was too selfish to wait for you to be there are all misdirected.Sudden heart attacks do occur in many people who seem quite healthy. Doctors do not always have the answers. My own brother died of a sudden heart attack at the age of 60. He had just had an EKG. No heart problems were found, but when an autopsy was done, they found he had had a heart attack.

Raymond, your thinking is not normal. Loss of your mother is tough for everyone, but it appears that you had an unusual relationship with your mother that may have not have been a healthy one. I do not wish to judge you, but I do have training as a counselor and your statements sound like they are coming from a VERY lost and depressed child. I beg you to see a doctor or a counselor right away. Your mother cannot help you now. It is time for you to stand on your own and get the help you need to get through this and learn how to live life without your mother.

I hope you will write again and tell us how you are doing. I am very concerned about you. I send many hugs. Pat

Apr 30, 2013
Thanks for your support
by: Raymond

I know its not right i blame my self for my moms death... But even after i got my job back.. My mom told me if i could come n see her for somedays.. I told her i need to get on with my job n i will come next month because i just got back in my job.. She told me she was sad im not coming ... Why couldnt she understand my situation n not wait for me... Just 1 month .. I know she was sad n i researched n found out broken heart syndrome can lead to sudden heart attack n death... N sadness can cause this.. Why diidnt this strike my mind before n i wish i could have gone home to be with my mother ..i m trying to reason so many things i wish i could have done n my mother would be alive i feel.. But god didnt want that .. I feel im punished by god for my sins n such a unfortunate thing has happenned where i cant help nor feeling guilty for my moms death...its a really sad situation for me.. N why did my mom n god do this to me... I know life n death is only in gods hand .. But why did god made me a reason n he is making me feel guilty... I have no one to understand my feelings because no one loved me.. It was only my mom... I was for her n she was for me... My mom has no relatives .I m not close to my dad . So i feel im all alone without my mother n my soul has been taken... I shout at my mom n cry .. Mummy why did u punish me this way... Why u were so selfish n u left me so soon .. U didnt even think wat will i do if u go away .. U left me in sadness when i was so young n had my life in front of me... I have enough money, good job. But no love .. N my life is meaningless without u... I pray to god to please help me cope up with this situation n hope to lead my life happily . I know the truth n reality .. My mom will never come back n only god gave death to my mother.. But why was i made the path or the reason... Why is life so unfair .. But thats what god says in quran.. This life is just a test n there is eternal life here after.. Which i believe in... But this life is a very difficult test for some people like me...love you dear mummy .. Rest in peace in heaven and be happy

Apr 30, 2013
Did my mother die because of my small mistake in my job......
by: Doreen U.K.

Raymond I like Pat's in depth reply to you. Take on board what she says.
Firstly it is kinder for someone who is suffering to die quickly. My husband suffered for over 3yrs. and pleaded with God to let him go soon. He was wondering when he was going to die because his cancer pain was too bad. Pain medication was administered too late, and he suffered in a way he said he couldn't explain to me.
Pat also touched on "You were your mother's Prize possession." She is correct we are not things to be possessed. Because you lived alone with your mum and you were her world and she was your world she may have been a possessive mother. Children of possessive parents struggle with relationships. You could benefit greatly from seeing a Therapist and also it will help you to integrate better into life and go on to develop healthy relationships. It is very unusual for a Muslim man to not be married. Perhaps you would be happy in the future and meet a good woman who would make you happy. Life is too short to live a lonely miserable life.
Lastly you said that your mum died too quickly as being young. & Your beliefs that "It is written" so that when a person dies "It was their time to die." I believe the same way. In PREDESTINATION. I also believe in Heaven and an afterlife and I will see my husband and loved one's again according to Promise. You also will see your mother again when the world ends. Keep this HOPE alive in your heart and you will get through each day. May God comfort you and bring you Peace.

Apr 29, 2013
Not Your Fault
by: Anonymous

Don't blame yourself. It is not your fault. I lost my mom a few years ago and am still blaming myself, although I did everything humanly possible to get her the medical help she needed. I've been told the guilt I'm feeling is natural; that everyone goes thru the same thing. However, those words are cold comfort. Hopefully someday I will stop thinking, "what if, what if, what if." I'm told it will all fade eventually. Take heart that you are not alone. I am so sorry for your loss. You were much too young to lose her. Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself.

Apr 29, 2013
Did my mother die because of my small mistake in my job?.......
by: Doreen U.K.

Raymond I am sorry for your loss of your mother. I am also sorry for all the losses and stress your job gave you. The answer to your question. "Did my mother die because of my small mistake in my job?.... NO! NO! NO!!
You quite simply must not blame yourself for your mother's death. Because you lived with your mother and cared for her, it was quite natural to share your problems with your mother. A problem shared is a problem halved. Mother's are good at supporting, and giving good advice. Mother's are also born worriers and will worry and be concerned about their children whether they are young or old. Married or unmarried.
My whole family are smitten with heart problems and on medication for this. I was a born worrier and still am to a degree.
My husband was dying of cancer for over 3yrs. and I nursed him and cared for him under great stress with a heart condition. By God's Grace Go I.
The stress that I have lived with for over 60yrs. should have killed me by now.
The heart can withstand great amounts of stress. It has to because in life we have to live with large amounts of stress each day. Lose your guilt. It will do you no good to wonder why? and to guess what killed your mother? The greatest stress a mother has is having a broken heart.
It was so unfair that you had so much trouble over your job. Surely someone should have recognised your honesty and not given you such a hard time. You will have to now grieve your losses of mother and job difficulties that caused all the stress in your life and when you are ready. Start making plans to put friends in your life and if you have family, then get together and make better relationships that will help you in this lonely life. You sound as if you are a LONER. Don't have many friends and lived solely for your mother. You may find it difficult as a result to move on in life from being insular. But you can. You can get your life back on track and improve it so you find happiness. Life is too short to live without Love and Friendship.

Apr 29, 2013
Dear Raymond,
by: Pat

I am soooo sorry for your great loss. Losing your mother is probably 1 of the worst things we, as humans, have to endure. Dear Raymond, I do think, however, that you are torturing yourself. Your mother did not die because you, temporarily, lost your job. Yes, stress can lead to a heart attack, but how we react to the stresses in life is, for the most part, an individual choice. I am sure she missed you terribly, as much as you missed her, but her stress was self-induced. It was not your fault. What happened to you was an employment problem. It did not cause your mother's death. Diabetes can lead to all kinds of medical problems. It could have contributed to the heart attack. Was an autopsy done? That would help you understand what happened better. You mentioned being Muslim. Perhaps your faith prevents an autopsy. I do not know the Muslim beliefs.

I think you might need to consider getting some professional help, Raymond. You seem to be obsesseed with the fact that your mother died because of what you did and that you will never be able to love another woman. You also said that you were your mother's most prized possession. Children are not possessions. Possessions are things you buy, earn, or borrow, but they are not human. Your relationship with your mother sounds a little extreme. It will help you to deal with her death, if you seek some counseling and/or psychiatric help. You are going to make yourself sick, if you do not find some peace in your loss and realize that we all die one day. Even though your mother was still young, it was her time. Perhaps, she was sicker than you realized. Sudden heart attacks do happen.

My brother had no heart problems either, but suddenly died of a heart attack at at the age of 60 in 2011. I miss him terribly, but I am happy he is no longer suffering in pain. He had other medical problems. Dying quickly seems to me to be a blessing. Not for the one who is left behind, but for the one who gets to go to Heaven. Please do not be offended. I do not know if you even believe in a Heaven. Your mother could have lingered with cancer or some other terrible disease for months or years but, instead, she went quickly and did not have to suffer.

Raymond, please see a doctor or counselor to help you sort this out and to get rid of the guilt you are harboring. Carrying guilt will not help you and it will not bring your mother back. Think of the special times you had together and the things you used to do together. Those memories are special treasures. I created a scrapbook, when my mother died. It helps to be able to look at it and remember her this way.

Please write back and let us know how you are doing. We care. Pat

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