Did not have the change to see her the last time
My mother passed away in Oct 26, 2011, after six years of difficult battle with bladder cancer. The worst thing for me was that I was not able to hold her hands when she was battling death. I was overseas and was pregnant at that time. I had a placeta abruption at 18th week, almost zero length cervial length, frequent contractions and early dilation, which put me into completely bedrest for the rest of the term. At first I was able to talk with her on the phone every day, but afterwards, she started to be confused. Each phone call with her would make me cry in my dreams and caused more contraction, for this, I got my husband to make phone calls for me. My baby was born at 29th week, a little miracle, and he is a beatiful 13 month toddler now. But when I was eagerly planning the trip home, my husband told me mother had passed away. This whole thing seemed to me to be something only happening in movies. I still can not believe it even today. I am often in tears and I have not get the courage to see her tomb today. Sometimes I still look at my phone and wonder if it is time she would call me.
We were not that close when she was alive. She was a doctor, intelligent, hard-working and very strict to herself and others. I was constantly worried when she was around that I could not meet her standards. Now with my own baby, I am having more and more appreciations for what she had done. Still I am feeling lost and sad everyday when I am alone. Only the gigglling of my baby could put a true smile on my face. Deeply in my heart, I am so scared about losing, anyone, anything again. I wonder when this feeling would ever go away.