disconnected (graphic - may be triggering)
in novemeber i lost my boyfriend to what we believe was an intentional heroin overdose. he was been using on and off for 20 years and started up again at some point in our relationship. he was cheating on me, actually, and the girl he was with was using as well. this is how it started though i did not know at the time. when i found out he was using i didn't leave,. i am a codependent person who until recently didn't think i could do any better. anyway, i tell you this bc it may or may not be part of the reason i cannot connect with what happened. i found him dead at the bottom of the stairs after a night out without me. that night he had all over facebook that he was going to leave us, he hated me and good bye to his mother. he was obviously deceased when i found him but i gave mouth to mouth anyway i won't get into how i knew so as to not trigger anyone who may be reading this. there is so much more background to this but i don't want to bore you - though maybe it is my not telling even here that is part of the reason i cannot connect. i am not in denial he died - i think i am in denial he existed. is that awful?? i never dated him. i never searched the woods to see if he was hanging from a tree. i never saw him covered in blood after being dropped off by a stranger after going into a s*** part of town for drugs. i never heard him abuse me. i never suffered his lies. i never looked into his eyes and saw a lack of person... a soul-less vessel. none of this happened. and though i know it did, i feel like i made it up. like i am writing a story for some creative writing class. i have been told i am avoiding dealing... but how i make myself deal? how do i approach it when i want to but cannot seem to? i cann't sleep though i do not recall any nightmares. i cannot focus at work. i feel like i am floating. i want to cry. i want to engage people but i cannot do anything deep or productive. i don't want to be alone. feel empty and scared. abandoned. i don't miss him. i don't miss us. but i feel haunted. plagued. pursued. how do i face this when i cannot see it? has anyone experienced this? NOTE: i am in therapy and on medication for depression and anxiety.