disconnected (graphic - may be triggering)

by mandi
(NJ)

in novemeber i lost my boyfriend to what we believe was an intentional heroin overdose. he was been using on and off for 20 years and started up again at some point in our relationship. he was cheating on me, actually, and the girl he was with was using as well. this is how it started though i did not know at the time. when i found out he was using i didn't leave,. i am a codependent person who until recently didn't think i could do any better. anyway, i tell you this bc it may or may not be part of the reason i cannot connect with what happened. i found him dead at the bottom of the stairs after a night out without me. that night he had all over facebook that he was going to leave us, he hated me and good bye to his mother. he was obviously deceased when i found him but i gave mouth to mouth anyway i won't get into how i knew so as to not trigger anyone who may be reading this. there is so much more background to this but i don't want to bore you - though maybe it is my not telling even here that is part of the reason i cannot connect. i am not in denial he died - i think i am in denial he existed. is that awful?? i never dated him. i never searched the woods to see if he was hanging from a tree. i never saw him covered in blood after being dropped off by a stranger after going into a s*** part of town for drugs. i never heard him abuse me. i never suffered his lies. i never looked into his eyes and saw a lack of person... a soul-less vessel. none of this happened. and though i know it did, i feel like i made it up. like i am writing a story for some creative writing class. i have been told i am avoiding dealing... but how i make myself deal? how do i approach it when i want to but cannot seem to? i cann't sleep though i do not recall any nightmares. i cannot focus at work. i feel like i am floating. i want to cry. i want to engage people but i cannot do anything deep or productive. i don't want to be alone. feel empty and scared. abandoned. i don't miss him. i don't miss us. but i feel haunted. plagued. pursued. how do i face this when i cannot see it? has anyone experienced this? NOTE: i am in therapy and on medication for depression and anxiety.

Comments for disconnected (graphic - may be triggering)

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Apr 24, 2013
disconnected (graphic - may be triggering)
by: Doreen U.K.

Mandi I am sorry for your loss of YOU as a person and the boyfriend who you believed in till it all went wrong in your world.
Your clue is in you saying you are codependant. You needed him. BUT. You didn't engage in drugs. You stayed true to yourself. You are left Confused and numb about what happened. As if you are locked into a world you find hard to come out of. You are numb and can't connect. You feel so disconnected from life and people and you are trying hard to engage in life and with people whilst you are unwell and struggling for normality. I have been where you are. I know how you feel even if I can't explain it like you do. I spent years with a therapist and it was the best thing I did. It was painful and I didn't believe it would work. I was cynical but went anyway. One day I woke up and my world changed. Everything I was struggling with all evaporated and I got my life back for the first time I knew what happiness, freedom, LIVING was. I lost being codependant. I was able to establish boundaries.
You are focusing too much on your boyfriend who is now at peace. You are struggling to find your own peace and who you are and trying to find it through your relationship with your boyfriend. This is also part of being codependant. Concentrate on YOU. You have a lot of difficulties to resolve and it will take TIME. Be patient with yourself and your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you want. Even if it doesn't feel good. One day it will change. You may feel like I did. As if I was all tangled up emotionally and I couldn't sort it out. I needed a therapist to come and untangle it for me. HE DID. A miracle happened. I saw Life for the first time. I developed skills that benefited my family and other's.
You say you can't sleep and don't have nightmares. You are living a nightmare in your waking life that keeps you from sleeping. You are scared of Life and the Big World and wonder how you are going to fit in. This is part of the depression. Once your therapist works with you it will all become clearer. But. You must stay with the programme. Please write back and let me know how it all goes. You are an articulate woman. You are also Lucid. You are looking for someone to tell you how they see you. As if you have lost part of YOUR PERSONALITY. This is how codependancy manifests itself. It won't stay this way. It has to get better. You must be patient with yourself. Don't try too hard to work it all out. Once you get your life back you will be able to go on and have a Genuine relationship and you will attract the right person. You won't be a codependant anymore. I was like this for 40yrs. of depression till I did something about it. So there is HOPE for everyone. Best Wishes

Apr 24, 2013
Dear Mandi,
by: Pat in Missouri

Grief has a way of bringing up unsual and mixed up feelings and reactions. It sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend was not a solid, committed one, although you would have liked it to be. He was, as you state, cheating on you and using drugs. I am not a therapist, although I do have a degree in counseling. I got my degree when I was older and have never practiced, but from my studies and my own experience with grief, I think you may be experiencing what is called disenfranchised grief. You weren't sure of your relationship because there are questions about whether the relationship, itself, was real. So you don't know how to feel. It might be a good idea to discuss this with your therapist.

How are your friends and family reacting to your loss? Do you have any support? Somehow, you are feeling that your grief is not recognized or validated and rightly so, since your relationship was not clear either. Keep seeing your therapist and taking your medication. I think the answer for you is that you have to find yourself and move on from a loss that is very real, but the relationship was so conflicting, it has left you not sure how to react to it. You admit to being codependent. A part of you is probably feeling guilty for his death. You were so desparate to save him that you tried resuscitation, even though you say it was obvious that he was gone. It sounds like you were so desparate to try to connect with this man because you don't think you are worthy of another relationship. This is another reason why the therapy is so important. You are a loving, caring person or you wouldn't be feeling so lost like this. Find yourself, empower yourself and the disconnected will become connected and life will be good again. Keep that focus. You cannot change what has happened. You need to keep moving forward and looking at your own needs. Your boyfriend is finally at peace. Now, it is time to create your own peace. Good luck. I send my blessings and hugs. Things will get better.

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