Divorce after trauma

by A.

Five years ago, I had been married for about 15 years to a man I considered my best friend. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was filled with unconditional love (mutual) and he was my rock emotionally. We had a lot of financial problems and my husband suffered from a lot of social anxiety (which caused a lot of arguments about various things). But on the whole, we lived a sweet life together as a little family unit (we had no children). My husband got a job overseas, and I was thrilled. I am an adventurous type and I had been waiting for this moment (he had been unemployed for a few years).

While living overseas, I was the victim of a violent crime and sexual assault. The trauma got the best of me, and at that time my husband did not fully understand, did not handle it well/give me what I needed. So a few weeks after the event, I left him to go back home and stay with my parents and be among good friends. I was in such numb shock from the trauma that I felt nothing for a good six months or so. I deeply cared for my husband, but I could not go back. To make a very long story short, my husband would come to visit for the summers, we would have a nice time together, but then he would go back to the country where I had faced the assault. Eventually, after 3 more years, the marriage just ended because he was unwilling to quit his job and find another where I could comfortably live and I was unwilling to go back. Also I never did quite forgive him for not "being" there for me in the way that I needed. But we ended the marriage amicably and are still very good friends and talk frequently. This just happened last summer.

I got very busy the coming year and just didn't feel much.

For some reason right now the grief has been hitting me very hard. Grief for my old self (before the trauma), grief for my marriage, missing my ex-husband (we were married almost 20 years), grief for the time "of innocence" before we moved overseas, grief for being married (there's so many little things you miss from marriage), loneliness, etc. I miss all the things we used to do together as a couple. I miss the idea of being someone's no. 1 and vice versa. I just miss having him right near me. This is delayed grief, a grief that was both caused and delayed by the trauma. I have no idea why it's so hard right now, a year after the divorce, but my chest aches from grief lately.

Thank you for listening.

Comments for Divorce after trauma

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 04, 2013
Divorce after trauma
by: Doreen U.K.

A I am so sorry for your loss of self to a vicious attack that robbed you of so much. Robbed of marriage, that has left you so confused about your life.
The best thing you can do for yourself now is to find a very good counsellor and work through your losses. Otherwise you will be going round in circles and never get any better. This is what you should have done after the assault.
I have done the COUNSELLING BIT and It was the best thing I did for myself. I did manage to grieve my losses and move forward. Best ever feeling for me. I got my life back for the first time in my 40's.
Sadly money issues are a big one in marriage problems. Most people struggle with. You managed to get through this till the assault. With your husband not supporting you this made things difficult and caused you to move back home and separate. Many men cannot handle their wife being hurt in a sexual way. Some men take it very PERSONALLY. Many men cannot offer support when these thoughts are running through their mind. Counselling could have addressed this area and helped you move forward better. One tragedy has added to another and ruined your life to the point that you are suffering now and can't move forward. You won't move forward until you work through all these issues and try to resolve them as best as you are able. Loneliness added to the mixture is making you feel as if life can't get any worse for you. Your parents can only support you so much but because you were married your wound will be THIS LOSS. Because your husband could not see clearly what was going on and held onto his job does not make him a bad person. but perhaps one who couldn't sacrifice his job. When a man loses his job he loses a lot of HIS SELF. I guess the price for him was too high so he sacrificed his marriage instead. This is such a sad situation that couldn't be resolved. Counselling is for You to get your life back. Then you will be able to move forward. Take one step at a time. Don't look too far forward. ONE DAY AT A TIME. But you need to take ACTION. Don't sit around doing nothing, as nothing will change. Best wishes.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Other Loss.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!