Divorce after trauma
Five years ago, I had been married for about 15 years to a man I considered my best friend. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was filled with unconditional love (mutual) and he was my rock emotionally. We had a lot of financial problems and my husband suffered from a lot of social anxiety (which caused a lot of arguments about various things). But on the whole, we lived a sweet life together as a little family unit (we had no children). My husband got a job overseas, and I was thrilled. I am an adventurous type and I had been waiting for this moment (he had been unemployed for a few years).
While living overseas, I was the victim of a violent crime and sexual assault. The trauma got the best of me, and at that time my husband did not fully understand, did not handle it well/give me what I needed. So a few weeks after the event, I left him to go back home and stay with my parents and be among good friends. I was in such numb shock from the trauma that I felt nothing for a good six months or so. I deeply cared for my husband, but I could not go back. To make a very long story short, my husband would come to visit for the summers, we would have a nice time together, but then he would go back to the country where I had faced the assault. Eventually, after 3 more years, the marriage just ended because he was unwilling to quit his job and find another where I could comfortably live and I was unwilling to go back. Also I never did quite forgive him for not "being" there for me in the way that I needed. But we ended the marriage amicably and are still very good friends and talk frequently. This just happened last summer.
I got very busy the coming year and just didn't feel much.
For some reason right now the grief has been hitting me very hard. Grief for my old self (before the trauma), grief for my marriage, missing my ex-husband (we were married almost 20 years), grief for the time "of innocence" before we moved overseas, grief for being married (there's so many little things you miss from marriage), loneliness, etc. I miss all the things we used to do together as a couple. I miss the idea of being someone's no. 1 and vice versa. I just miss having him right near me. This is delayed grief, a grief that was both caused and delayed by the trauma. I have no idea why it's so hard right now, a year after the divorce, but my chest aches from grief lately.
Thank you for listening.