by Dixie Wietrzykowski
(Sarasota, FL, USA)
The month befor she died
For many years my daughter and I were estranged. She was molested by my father as was I and my sister. This went on from the 40's to the 90's. In my mind I was the only one who was molested until My sister questioned the past. I confronted him. My daughter admitted he had molested her as well. I confronted him. He committed suicide. My daughter blamed me for many years. She became addicted to drugs, she was in and out of jail. Last year facing 10 years in prison she decided to take part in a Drug Court program. She did so well. She went trough a year of never failing a drug test. She became the physically beautiful person she was when she was younger. My ex and I gave her all of the financial and moral support that we could. She couldn't separate herself from the addicts she thought were her friends. On my 72nd birthday, July 28, 2014 My ex found her in bed at her house (her "boyfriend" was there and he said he had no idea she was dead. I got there in 10 minutes. 911 had been called. She was pronounced dead at 46 years of age. A detective came and took statements from the people who were staying at her home. An officer from the sheriff found 3 syringes in her room. I was told not to see her but I had to and after the forensic people left, I stayed with her body until the medical examiner people came for her. I took this time to kiss her and tell her that I forgave (I can't forgive myself). I watched her be cremated a week later. She was my second child of two. I lost my son in 1986 one day before his 21st birthday as the result of a hit and run accident he was riding his bicycle home from work. This was 2 years after the death of my mother (age 59) and one year after my husband fell in love and divorced me. I indulged my daughter for a time after this happened. I overlooked her faults for fear of losing her in a similar manner. She turned to drugs. I still tried to help her but nothing worked. I am still waiting for the toxicology reports to specify her exact cause of death. I was told that could take 2 months.
She left her then 14 year old son to live with me and my very supportive (male) life partner of 29 years. My grandson is more intelligent than most 27 year olds. He refused to accept the fact that his mother was trying to change her life last year. And because his mother put other people before him, he sees her death as something that was inevitable. He is soon moving across the country to learn a business and pans to return to Florida his home when he is finished. I gave him a house that I no longer needed for his 21st birthday just to give him a financial head start. He is a good person that has never given me any anguish. I have told him it is good to get all of your wandering and learning done before settling down.
I have feelings of loss, guilt and anger I can't seem to cope with emotions. I know eventually I will. But right now I'm lost.