Do you hear it?
I sit for a moment, trying to feel what used to be our life. There was a rhythm, a pulse, an energy that moved around us. You had an energy about you that made me safe and insane and love you more than my own life. Even watching a movie, I could feel you next to me, there was comfort in that.
In our life we moved together, even when you were on the road I knew where you were, what you were doing. You always knew where I was, we shared that way, not because we had to, but because we wanted to. We took the vows of sharing our life together very seriously. Above all, there was movement, there were the sounds I would hear and know what you were doing, and there was life, our life.
Now there is the wind in the attic, a dog barking in the distance, and the most horrible silence. I do not hear you, I do not feel you, and there is no energy, just a cold stillness that reminds me that you are gone. Above all else, there is no life here anymore, there is just me. I am nothing without you.
I had someone say to me that I needed to be strong and that if I had not been so dependent then I would be over your loss. I was not really sure if I should laugh at this person or scream.
I am strong, and professional and all of those things. What people on the outside do not understand is that the place I was happy was in your arms, you inspired me, you made me better than I was and I always strove to be the person you saw. I loved being the woman you loved. I loved being the place you were safe. I loved trusting you and knowing that you trusted me, completely and without question. Your voice could make me soar, or rock me to sleep with a tenderness I cannot put into words.
Do you hear it? It is the silence of a life lost, of a love gone, of my heart ripped in two and the screaming of my soul for my loss of you.
I cannot do this without you, I do not want to.
One breathe, one-step, one day at a time.