Do you hear it?

by Zoe

I sit for a moment, trying to feel what used to be our life. There was a rhythm, a pulse, an energy that moved around us. You had an energy about you that made me safe and insane and love you more than my own life. Even watching a movie, I could feel you next to me, there was comfort in that.

In our life we moved together, even when you were on the road I knew where you were, what you were doing. You always knew where I was, we shared that way, not because we had to, but because we wanted to. We took the vows of sharing our life together very seriously. Above all, there was movement, there were the sounds I would hear and know what you were doing, and there was life, our life.

Now there is the wind in the attic, a dog barking in the distance, and the most horrible silence. I do not hear you, I do not feel you, and there is no energy, just a cold stillness that reminds me that you are gone. Above all else, there is no life here anymore, there is just me. I am nothing without you.

I had someone say to me that I needed to be strong and that if I had not been so dependent then I would be over your loss. I was not really sure if I should laugh at this person or scream.

I am strong, and professional and all of those things. What people on the outside do not understand is that the place I was happy was in your arms, you inspired me, you made me better than I was and I always strove to be the person you saw. I loved being the woman you loved. I loved being the place you were safe. I loved trusting you and knowing that you trusted me, completely and without question. Your voice could make me soar, or rock me to sleep with a tenderness I cannot put into words.

Do you hear it? It is the silence of a life lost, of a love gone, of my heart ripped in two and the screaming of my soul for my loss of you.
I cannot do this without you, I do not want to.
One breathe, one-step, one day at a time.

Comments for Do you hear it?

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Jun 09, 2011
by: Rae

What a beautiful article to write Zoe. I think you speak for so many of us. When you write "Do you hear it? It is the silence of a life lost, of a love gone, of my heart ripped in two and the screaming of my soul for my loss of you.
I cannot do this without you, I do not want to." it strikes such a chord with me.
The silence is deafening!

Jan 13, 2011
Couldn't Agree More
by: Errica (Mrs Ironman)

It's been a month since he left and agree with all of you, I just feel empty! Zoe from what you have written (which is every thought I've been having myself) I do think you are an independent strong person cause I feel I am as well but that doesn't mean we can't feel lost. I've always felt that being with someone is what loving someone is about. I have a few friends that do so much without there spouse. Matt and I were never like that, when I did something outside of work I did it with him because he was who I wanted to be with, I had already been without him all week at work. There were times when I would go meet a girlfriend for a drink or go shopping with my sister you know stuff like but I was always so happy to come home to him. On one occasion I went up north with some girlfriends for a wine tour weekend but everything I did I wished I could have shared it with him. I don't think that makes us dependent it was love, pure and simple.

People say it gets better with time and I'm sure it will but I'm sure it will never go away. Every time I think of something fun we did or see something he would love it will hurt. I know this because I lost my brother 11 years ago and there are just things that only he knew and I can't share those moments with anyone else and expect them to understand. Now I have another whole set of memories only I can appreciate.
Someone recently told me "This to shall pass" I told her that the person who said that wasn't dealing with this.

I'm glad and sad that you are all here and understanding the feeling, it's a comfort to know I'm not alone.

Jan 13, 2011
Yes I hear it Too.
by: Judith

Zoe, I was just writing this in my journal a few nights ago. It's the loneliest sound isn't it? I too felt the same way about loving being the person he thought I was. He called me wonder woman and bought me the figurine. He inspired me to be the best because I so wanted to please him. I pity those folks who don't give marriage their all. They probably pity us for being so attached and really married. You wrote so well what most of us are feeling now.

I too think of the future of being in another loving relationship but there is no one like my love out there and I fear that I will always compare them and that won't be fair to them so why try. I'm crying more now than I did at first and feeling the loneliness so much more. I pray to dream about him, Actually beg, but haven't yet. It's only been four months the 14th. We must go on tho. Believe God has a plan. He never promised us a life without trials but he is there to help us through.

I hope you are seeing a therapist to help put it all in perspective somehow. I am. We can't do this alone.
Take care and take time.

Jan 13, 2011
do you hear it
by: jules

Zoe - yes I hear it too - but you say he made you a better person - then he knows that you can and will go on without him, when you feel down - remember his words, talk to him, ask him for guidance - he will be there - you will get a sign - it may not seem like much, but my daughter says that black and white butterflies are what let her know her dad is near, and my darling pats the bed when he knows I am in despair in the middle of the night.

You are strong - you are capable - you can do it -
one step - one breath

take care

Jan 12, 2011
yes i do hear it
by: helen

My husband Ray died 18 months ago-he was 63 and we thought fit and healthy. he was on a cycling holiday with friends in wales. He could cycle 40-50 miles easily. he was cycling down a lane by a reservoir in a beautiful spot and he fell off his bike and died instantly. his friend tried to resuscitate him for 20 minutes while they waited for an ambulance. they called the air ambulance but there was no hope.

The police said that they needed to tell me in person. i was out all day and they didn't come round until about 1 am. i got a phone call as they were knocking at my door and i hadn't heard. they said there was a policeman at my door and to let him in. so he told me-and i called my two children and they came round. i had to call his brother and sister. we then went to wales and i saw his body in the hospital and his friends showed me where he had died-such a beautiful spot.

i spent a few weeks in overdrive organising the funeral -his possessions-his finances. i think i was just numb-then i would wake in the morning expecting him to be asleep in bed with me- and would cry. yes you hear the silence don't you.
you try and fill it. i have had a very busy 18 months - doing various projects. i am too young to just exist as a widow. i renovated the house- i cleared the garage- i retired from my job as i was getting a decent pension. i applied to start a design course at university. i made a portfolio of my work. i organised a holiday with 4 friends to barcelona, i organised a visit with a friend from the usa and a holiday with my family. i looked for a holiday cottage to buy in derbyshire but decided against it.

i started about two months ago looking for new dates/friends on a dating web site and have met a few people. one lives in california and i went over there to see him for 2 weeks after xmas, but i think my expectations are too high or unrealistic- i feel that maybe i want a relationship so i can forget my grief, but i think i have frightened away the people i have met as i cannot take things slowly or be relaxed.

i think that i am coming to some stage in my grief where i have to let my feelings out and not try and ignore them any more by constantly doing different things and trying to think of anything else but how i feel. now my emotions are very raw- i feel very vulnerable and alone. he was my rock-he helped me keep grounded. now im all over the place, its very painful to live with the silence isn't it?

Jan 12, 2011
I hear it
by: Lyn Ann

Dear Zoe - thank you for this beautiful, eloquent verse. You express my thoughts so much better than I can. I miss hearing him, feeling him, just knowing that he was in the house, outside the house, or just in the same world as I was. I was thinking the other day that sometimes we would go an entire evening and not even speak two words to one another. We didn't need to - that was the best part. And now it's the worst part. That part of me just aches out loud when I think that he will never be back. Thanks to everyone for sharing so much, for listening and for the wonderful words of wisdom.
Lyn Ann

Jan 12, 2011
I hear it, it is so loud
by: Donna

I know exactly what you are saying. The silence is so loud that it is deafening. I had a lady that I worked with tell me before Bryan passed away how much that she missed his presence. He was such a strong life force, not only to me but to alot of people. You can imagine if other people miss his presence so much how much the love of his life (me) must feel. I am totally lost without him. I am having trouble getting back on the road to recovery. I, like you, come to this site often, I know how much it helps. I can only take it one breath one step, one day at a time, that's all any of us can do. I hope your new life becomes a little easier.

Jan 12, 2011
Moment by moment makes a day...

Zoe you are a fantastic writer, You often say what I feel and cannot put into words. Lately I have wondered if I was too dependent on Paul...But really it wasn't me being needy or him needing me. It was mutual. We needed each other and that was o.k. It was Love it was trust.

The fact that we miss that is nothing to be ashamed of. The fact that we hate having to play both roles as man and woman sucks too. I will check the oil, mow the lawn and other manly type responsibilities.

But it is not just our husband our lover that is gone, They were the one that we shared our day and our life with. Now that that is gone we are supposed to get used to this "New Normal".

No one is going to tell me how to run my life or my grief. I will keep it to myself because no one can be trusted with the very thing that made me and now breaks me. If we knew we could only Love that person for 5 years, 10 or 15? Would that change that Love? I do not think so, I think that we would Love as much as we could in that time frame.

Well I wish that I had words of wisdom. Something that would insure that you will be o.k. besides my word. As much as we dislike having to change into another person, we must adapt.

But in the end we will have a strength and wisdom that few have. We will know not to waste our life, it can be gone in a flash. Only the warrior widow knows that and we will get stronger, Day by day if only a moment at a time...

Jan 12, 2011
I hear you
by: Anonymous

You have said it so perfectly. All of my feelings are wrapped up in there. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I know nothing I can say will make you feel any better, but know that there are those of us out here who feel your pain.

Jan 12, 2011
Scream at Them!
by: Pat

I often think of a woman I worked with before I left my job to take care of my husband. She is 50 years old~has never been married~or in a committed relationship of any type~she's married to her career. The grief I am going through (having just lost my husband 6 weeks ago) is unbearable to me right now. I think of Mary and I think~but she has never seen that look that passes between two people who love each other. She's never felt that embrace after being apart for a good length of time. She's never been awakened with, "I love you ~ it's time to get up."

I think about what my life would be like had my husband never come into my life and swept me off my feet. I don't envy Mary at all. I lost the love of my life. The silence is indeed deafening~the emptiness, the fear I have, the longing for my husband's touch~the thought of facing the rest of my life without him has brought me to my knees.

I would much rather be where I am right now~without Joe~than live the desolate life of my co-worker. We grieve so hard because we loved so deeply. I will have to live on my husband's memory. I'm a much richer person having had him in my life. We grieve in our own way. You will know when it's time to move on. It may never be time~that's your choice and nobody elses.
God's blessings to you.

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