Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful ?

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

A Smile I Love :)

A Smile I Love :)

How many time do we sit in front of the mirror wondering do they want the truth?
Life, is it an illusion or reality? Do we spit out untruths so we don't have to explain because it's become to much reality. Were happy to deceive them, we don't want to speak the honest truths so do we work the values of deception? We deceive everybody around us, but our souls know, so well, so we'll be who they want us to be....
But I ask myself do they want me? the real me?
There's a song by"Paloma Faith" that hit me hard when I heard it from a Facebook friend in London called "Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful". I couldn't stop listening to the song over and over because we all put on a face, a face of illusion for the world so they'll all feel comfortable and hope and think there in the knowing of "us" moving on and getting by, getting up and moving forward.
The chorus of the song rings oh so true to us all:
Do you want the truth or something beautiful, just close you eyes and make believe,
Do want the truth or something beautiful,
I am happy to deceive you...
I can be who you want me to be, but do you want me....

We all spit out the lies that aim to soothe. They don't want to hear the honest truth. These thoughts hit me hard at the late night hours. Time when I'm alone and miss Billy more that I can bare. There's no one to deceive at this hour, no one to care if I cry, no one here to wipe my tears, just me. Memories of long ago and a longing of what will never be again.
I go around and around like a top spinning out of control wondering when it's going to stop. It's the same questions every night, the answers never change and my bed still remains empty only memories to hold at night now.
At times it feels like I've lost my mind. Maybe it only the darkness of night, the loneliness of my bed but I know at the new dawn of day I will rise, pick myself up the best I can and do what I need to do, to become more me. The "us" is gone and it's a difficult, a hard reality and I've got to go, got to go as I say again each morning "face the day" and do the best I can.

I've been sadder more these last couple of day's because of my job situation but, I have decided to put the accounting on the back burner sort of speaking and stick with the retail side of my experience. I'm a people person and I thrive on contact and the interaction of people as Billy would always say.
I feel there are times when yes I want to be alone but in the most the people contact is the type of person I am.
Billy always said when we got to Arkansas and I finally got a job at JC Penney working as an Office Associate (the accounting side) and a supervisor with salespeople and customer contact it was the best of both worlds for me.
So ok I will say it "He was right". Sometimes I swear he could be a pain in my backside... So maybe that's the road I need to walk down at this time. Do you think the 2 job changes in 120 days was a hint??? I can hear him saying "I told you so, with that smile and me saying ~ Don't go there" it hurts and make's me smile. Another road and another direction.
Let see where this goes....
1 Step, 1 breath at a time, ~ 1 year

Comments for Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful ?

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Aug 09, 2011
the truth?
by: Cousin

No....people squirm and become very uncomfortable when you tell the truth. The reason they want you to "be over it" so soon isn't for your benefit but instead for their benefit. You just keep on feeling what it YOUR truth and everyone else can just jump off a cliff.
When you lose someone so precious it rearranges your world and nothing seems the same. I am typing this and looking at the clock knowing that in one hour and 40 minutes it will be exactly one year that my precious son died. I think that people are more gentle with me because it was my child who died and children should NEVER die before their's not the natural order of things. Yet, there are those, who don't want to hear my truth....I'm suffering and I think I always will.
Hang in there cousin. I know the perfect job will appear soon. You are too smart and too personable to be out of work very long. Sending lots of love and hugs,

Aug 08, 2011
Do you want the truth or something beautiful
by: Sue

Hello dear Pat,
Your posts say what all of us who have lost a life partner feel but sometimes cannot express!
I can't remember whether I have said this to you before (the past 5 months since my Brian died have been a nightmare!) but what keeps me going through all this heartache is realising that I would not be feeling this awful grief if I had never had him in my life for 42 years, so every tear is worth it !!!!

He is worth all my grieving. I am SO lucky to have had him. In this chaotic world, how lucky are we to connect with our soul mates. It is a MIRACLE Pat. You knew it would not be for ever..... The one certain fact in this life is that we die. Some of us die without ever having experienced what you and I had with our partners. We had it all. Wake up each morning with that thought if you can - you and I are the fortunate ones. I count myself lucky to have had the love, companionship and caring from my man for as many years as I did. You are too, Pat,. Love Sue xxx

Aug 07, 2011
I'm sorry...
by: Lenora (New Mexico)

Hi Patricia,

I am so sorry to hear about your job situation. I was so excited for you when you had started the last job.

You would think that what we are going through is hard enough...but I guess all we can do is keep trying to go forward.

I wish you well.

Aug 07, 2011
The Pretender
by: Sandy

Oh i can relate to what you have wrote. I lost my son in January 2011 - ( still have not told my story here - just can't). The many faces I put on - not even 5 minutes ago and its 7:40 est time I said out loud to know one - can't you see on my face how I am suffering inside ? I am screaming inside and no one can hear me. I am under a micro scope from my husband, my family and co-workers. Are they waiting for me to just break ? I put on the face and they believe it but inside I am screaming out in pain. Oh dear God in Heaven when will this end. I posted a poem in the music and poetry section called the pretender. Maybe you can relate too. I am so sorry for your loss of Billy I have read your other post to. Please God in heaven help us who are in such deep sorrow.

Aug 07, 2011
People don't want the truth
by: Jackie

Hi, I haven't come here for awhile, but today I was drawn in. Your post was insiteful and beautiful. For me its 10 months. I never thought I'd make it this far. My 38th anniversary would have been last week. It was almost more than I could bear. I took me and my two kids to Florida to sit on the beach and do nothing. It was nice, but not the same. I know that this road we travel is one we must travel alone. Our family and friends seem to feel we should be over it by now. They do not want the truth, they think we should be ok. We will never be over it. Each day is a painful journey that we take one day at a time. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself.

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