Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful ?
A Smile I Love :)
How many time do we sit in front of the mirror wondering do they want the truth?
Life, is it an illusion or reality? Do we spit out untruths so we don't have to explain because it's become to much reality. Were happy to deceive them, we don't want to speak the honest truths so do we work the values of deception? We deceive everybody around us, but our souls know, so well, so we'll be who they want us to be....
But I ask myself do they want me? the real me?
There's a song by"Paloma Faith" that hit me hard when I heard it from a Facebook friend in London called "Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful". I couldn't stop listening to the song over and over because we all put on a face, a face of illusion for the world so they'll all feel comfortable and hope and think there in the knowing of "us" moving on and getting by, getting up and moving forward.
The chorus of the song rings oh so true to us all:
Do you want the truth or something beautiful, just close you eyes and make believe,
Do want the truth or something beautiful,
I am happy to deceive you...
I can be who you want me to be, but do you want me....
We all spit out the lies that aim to soothe. They don't want to hear the honest truth. These thoughts hit me hard at the late night hours. Time when I'm alone and miss Billy more that I can bare. There's no one to deceive at this hour, no one to care if I cry, no one here to wipe my tears, just me. Memories of long ago and a longing of what will never be again.
I go around and around like a top spinning out of control wondering when it's going to stop. It's the same questions every night, the answers never change and my bed still remains empty only memories to hold at night now.
At times it feels like I've lost my mind. Maybe it only the darkness of night, the loneliness of my bed but I know at the new dawn of day I will rise, pick myself up the best I can and do what I need to do, to become more me. The "us" is gone and it's a difficult, a hard reality and I've got to go, got to go as I say again each morning "face the day" and do the best I can.
I've been sadder more these last couple of day's because of my job situation but, I have decided to put the accounting on the back burner sort of speaking and stick with the retail side of my experience. I'm a people person and I thrive on contact and the interaction of people as Billy would always say.
I feel there are times when yes I want to be alone but in the most the people contact is the type of person I am.
Billy always said when we got to Arkansas and I finally got a job at JC Penney working as an Office Associate (the accounting side) and a supervisor with salespeople and customer contact it was the best of both worlds for me.
So ok I will say it "He was right". Sometimes I swear he could be a pain in my backside... So maybe that's the road I need to walk down at this time. Do you think the 2 job changes in 120 days was a hint??? I can hear him saying "I told you so, with that smile and me saying ~ Don't go there" it hurts and make's me smile. Another road and another direction.
Let see where this goes....
1 Step, 1 breath at a time, ~ 1 year