Does it ever stop??

by Jessica
(Chester, Vt)

Ok, I have been on here a lot since that day. As horrible as this sounds, to know I am not alone in this helps, not that I would EVER enjoy any of you being in the situations that you are. I would give anything to spare anyone this kind of pain. It has been 21 months and 1 week since I lost John. I feel, well there are many things I feel....but the most is anger right now. I am so angry at everything, and anyone. I get irritated at the smallest things, My Mom and I were in the car yesterday, she was eating a devil dog, I yelled at her because she was smacking her lips....I mean come on!! That was so mean and stupid. How can I be so hurtful? I keep telling myself it will pass, that my grief counselor is right, and it is a normal phase of grieving....but its mean! I hide in my room if I am not working, I don't want to hurt anyone. I have family telling me "move on", one of them told me the other day that I needed to face reality and accept that he is gone, never going to come back.....do they not think I wake up with that realization everyday? What is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be better? I feel as though I am going insane. Tell me I am not. PLease.

Comments for Does it ever stop??

Click here to add your own comments

Feb 21, 2011
It lessons but grief never quite diminishes completely
by: 14 month crazy

Jessica,

I have heard that there are no actual set stages of grief. We all keep trying to put it in some kind of time line yet the stages will over lap, go backwards and ever so slowly forward. I remember being angry and not just in the beginning
(14 months for me)

When I hit the year mark I dared the bill collectors to call. Something I hadn't the strength to deal with before. They had called every day. I finally confronted one, then the next waiting for the damn phone to ring. I had a ferociousness, a fight within me then. When one of them said I'll take you off the list. I said excuse me?!! Are you the very person that harassed me every day for a year?!!

She said no so I screeched What company are you from?!! They indeed were the credit company that harassed me 2-3 times a day. My claws came out further ready to verbally slash her in two. I was on the verge of hysterics, verbally accusing her of making my life hell.

She dismissed me saying and it took you this long to pick up the phone? I screamed back have you ever heard of grief?!!

Anyway at that time I was so ready for a fight, anyone that crossed my path, I was a growling drooling crazy bitch. Things have calmed down. I just thought you might like to know that anger is part of grief and not just in the beginning. It is all the unfairness trying to escape.

Unfortunately grief is NOT linear its one big zig zag up and down and we just ride the ride and hold on for dear life.
HH

Feb 20, 2011
It Never Ends
by: TrishJ

Jessica~ I lost my husband and best friend three months ago. I can tell you from the loss of my younger brother (20 years ago~he was just 30 years old) the pain never fully goes away. I'm angry about my brother's death and it's 20 years later. I know it will hit the, anger stage with my husband's death ~ probably within the next 6 months. I'm angry now when I go out shopping and see couples holding hands. I have no hand to hold. I come home to an empty house each night. I know I have no patience right now so I'm really trying to avoid any situations where I might need it. All we can do is our best.
We're all in this together. Blessings to you :)

Feb 20, 2011
Being angry
by: Judy

I'm no expert, just another widow at 15 months and holding but I can tell you I went through a very angry stage and it lasted for a couple of months. The irritability you expressed sounds like me, my only benefits being I lived alone so I had no family to jump all over. But I was furious at everyone who crossed me in the slightest way, shrieked at other drivers, snarled internally at other shoppers who got in my way with their carts,even snarled at the dog! My boss even mentioned that I was taking things out on the clients which caused me to re-evaluate how I was speaking.

They say that this is anger at your beloved for leaving you. I don't believe that because I know Barry never would have left me if he had any choice. I thought about being angry at God but somehow I didn't blame Him either. I think this anger is extreme frustration that we can't change things, we are powerless. You have a grief counselor who says this is normal and I think you should believe her/him. If anger gets outside the norm he/she will notice.

Just ignore the family members who told you to move on. They're not standing in your shoes and their lives have not changed in an irreversible way. None of us here will tell you to move on, just to hang on. You will move on when you are ready to do it.

Feb 20, 2011
Jessica
by: Eunice

Some people, even family members sometimes just do not understand that when someone loses someone they loved, that grieving is a process of several stages. Unfortunately, anger is one of them, I know of the mixed and confused feelings you go thru as I lost my husband on 11-21-10. I even got mad during the "visitation" for my husband's funeral, because his mom's side of the family were all in the room taking pictures, never saying a thing to me nor even bothering to ask me. To me, it was wrong, something I definitely do not believe, and feel if they'd wanted pictures of him, there were plenty of times they could have done so while he was still living. Luckily, I didn't find out until after it was all done. Recently, his aunt called and had the nerve to ask me if as soon as his headstone and marker were in place if I'd take a picture and send them to her. Again, I was angry for her stupidity in even asking me such a thing. I just decided to let it go and tell her I needed to get off the phone. I tend to avoid his family, because they all act like I should give up everything and go back up north where I moved from, but I have an obligation to my deceased husband, to take care of his estate as he wished, which is what I intend to do. I spend a great deal of time by myself, which at times is probably for the better, so really, until you can get past the anger stage, it might not be a bad idea to get a place of your own, that way will save your relationship with your own family and they should be more supportive to you in this, some people just act and expect you to snap back like nothing ever happened and that you can resume a normal life, well, in time you can resume a normal life, but it will be a new normal life, which like for me will definitely get some getting used to. I've known men and women both who remarry just months after they've lost their spouse, I don't know how, that's something I don't see me ever doing again. After 2 prior failed marriages, he was my one true love and I lost him. God Bless you, hope you continue to get counceling to help you through the rough spots.
1 day ~ 1 step

Feb 20, 2011
For Jessica
by: Mari

I know you are hurting still, Jessica.You are grieving and the time is different for everyone.It may be a good idea to let your loved ones know to please forgive any outbursts. They probably know that you are missing John.
I am glad you came to this website as there are alot of wonderful people here to listen.
What helps me is staying busy. Of course I still think of my husband when I am busy but still the activity helps.AI think anger is one of the emotions we feel as we have lost someone we loved so much.
I believe we will always miss our husbands but perhaps time will ease the pain.My husband was so sick and I am thankful he is out of pain. But I miss him very much.At the days end I really miss him when I am by myself.
Rely on the Lord to help you and keep posting. It really helps to talk to people who have gone through the same thing. We all care.
My husband passed away almost 15 months ago and in many ways I am getting on with my life. I manage the complex here and am going to work outside the home too.I am waiting for the live scan and it should be in anytime.I still cry and think of my husband but he is with the Lord now. Please take care of yourself. God bless you.

Feb 19, 2011
you're not alone or insane
by: Joanna

Jessica,

You aren't alone, and I'm sending empathetic vibes your way. To have made it through the past 21 months in one piece is an achievement in and of itself. Although it's not been anywhere near as long for me, I can tell you that feeling angry does not make you insane. I've been secretly waiting for someone to be a jerk to me so that I can blow up in his/her face. Losing someone you love (and it IS love, present tense, not past...I don't think any level of "acceptance" changes that) is unbelievably unfair. You have every right to be angry. Maybe finding an outlet would help? I've started swimming again regularly, and take comfort from pummeling the water and screaming under the surface. Gets me out of the house and moving, and takes out my frustration on a target that can't get its feelings hurt.

It's amazing the things that people think are helpful to say. How could you not be "facing reality" when every little thing reminds you of his absence? "better" is only useful as a relative term. I hope that you eventually feel better than you have been feeling, but a wound of this magnitude isn't something that ever really heals. Don't let anyone try to tell you how you should be feeling. That's up to you.

Feb 19, 2011
Does it ever stop?
by: jules

I don't think it will ever stop - I have friends who lost their husbands three years ago, five years ago, and they still tear up - even though they are living the best life they can.

I think the anger and impatience you feel is another stage of grief - somewhere in this site is a poem that I had found and posted - called Shifting Sand - please look for it - read it, and you will have some answers for the people who tell you to "move on" - I hate that expression, I will never "move on" - I will "go on", I don't know where or how, or if on my own - but it will be at my pace - not someone elses.

At the moment my daughter is going through some major problems in her marriage - most times she copes, but today she has had a major melt down - and told him some home truths - I don't know if it will change things in her household or not - my son also is having personal problems -and I am tired of being the "strong" one - on my own - how can I have answers for them, when I don't have answers for me? I am being as supportive as I can, but who is there for me - for 42 years I had my love, but he's gone - I am going away for two weeks, and I am looking forward to not dealing with anyone's problems during that time.
one step - one breath - take care
jules

Feb 19, 2011
You are not crazy
by: Yvonne

I am so tired of people telling me to move on. I am not sure what that means. I so feel your pain. I hurt all of the time. I wish no one had to go through this. 7 months for me today. I sit here alone in my beautiful house that he made for me hating everyone, because he is not here to enjoy it with me. It is like everyone else has forgotten him. And I know they haven't they just don't feel his absence as much as I do.. I wish I had words that would help you. But you are not crazy!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!