Don't be Fooled by My Smile

by Judith in California

Jan 2, 2012, another year to start things anew but my heart is with my husband who passed in 2010. It's where my heart was in 2011 and will be there no matter what year it is I believe. My smile hides the heartbreak and pain of such a loss. My smile hides the sadness My smile hides the desperation of needing him back, needing US back. My smiles lies and no one knows. Each time I say "i'm okay" is a lie for I am so lonely and in need of hugs and attention my husband used to give me. I'm a fake when I say I want to meet someone because I know it's Chuck I'm looking for and will never find again. I'm still trying to fake it in hopes it will become my new normal. I lie when my sisters ask how're you doing because they really don't want to hear how truly heartbroken I am for fear they think me weak. They don't know how strong you have to be to fake this. I hope they never have to experience it. I still want him back.

I love you Chuck! Always have , Always will.

Comments for Don't be Fooled by My Smile

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Jan 13, 2012
You are not alone
by: Robin

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my soulmate Stephen five months ago. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in May 2011 and died in August.
It feels like your heart has been ripped right out of your body. The pain is so unbearable most days but we go on. People keep asking "how are you doing",or "is it getting easier". We all probably want to scream, but we don't. Everyone has the best intentions but they can't understand what it's like until they experience it themselves, I know I didn't. I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone.
So Judith I'm reaching out to you right now with a big hug because hugs are great and I want you to know I understand. keep all your love and precious memories close.

Jan 07, 2012
Not as alone after reading your comments
by: Faith

My husband of 30 years died last April. He had ALS, diagnosed in 2009. Like you, he was my soulmate. We laughed every day, even on his worst days. The silence of that laughter haunts me even when I'm with others. I keep trying to figure out how to do "the next best thing," walked around numb for months. Just lately the total aloneness is becoming real. I have loving adult kids, friends, a job and plenty to be thankful for, but that doesn't fill this hole in my heart.
So thank you for sharing your pain. I don't feel quite as crazy after reading your blogs.

Jan 05, 2012
Saying your ok
by: Anonymous

I lost my soulmate 7 mths ago. I am putting on a good front for everyone telling them I am ok. No I am not ok after 32 yrs with someone how can I be ok ? I left them for 1 hour after planinng to go out for diner and came home to find them gone. After doing CPR and watching the Paramedic work on them for over a hour and transported to the hospital they were gone. You see I am a retired EMT so I knew exactly what was happening and my soul mate was gone when I returned home.
I have had so called friends tell me that they can not talk to me because they have not accepted yet that my partner is gone. Guess they expected me to sit fall apart and then they could have accepted the death. I put on a good show for people close the door and fall apart. The holidays this year were hard but in a very strange way I know they were with me.

Jan 04, 2012
hearting widow at 40
by: hurting heart in georgia

i just lost my husband december 17,2011 and buried him on december 23 our 17th wedding anv he was only 43 years old went into cardiac arrest on his birthday november 26th the love of my life my daughter father the person i could talk to about anything the person that i know had my back through it all my heart ache every single day and people ask are you ok i can only say yeah knowing in the inside iam crying i cry everyday

Jan 03, 2012
Alone and the Third Wheel
by: Anonymous

My daughter tries to include me in most of her outings, shopping, trips, evenings, eating out, etc. I appreciate the thought and go to avoid having to be alone, but you are still alone.

Those empty times when you are alone at bedtime, eating supper, tv time in the evening, after everyone else has retreated to their homes...late at night when Jay Leno is on...the void is lonely. No one to touch, no one to talk with, no one to lie beside, no one...all alone.

Jan 03, 2012
No name, no face, just an act.
by: Anonymous

I too lost my husband, but only 4 months ago. The holidays were fine as long as I had someone here. New Year's Day, I had a complete meltdown...I cried for hours, and felt totally lost, and without a purpose. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I have never felt this lost. For 42 years we were together, in business, in pleasure; my best friend, my listener, my soundboard, my liaison. My love. The one who spent his days with me, lay beside me at nights, who gave me purpose, who supported me emotionally, physically, behaviorally, and financially. He was my hero, my miracle and my very best friend.

Jan 03, 2012
Academy Award Performances!
by: CH

You are so on target when you say they don't know how strong you have to be to fake it.
My husband also died in 2010 and I feel just the way you do.
The only thing I desire in life is to have US back again and since that is not going to happen, then I put on a smile, say I'm doing OK and it is all a LIE! We could win Oscars for our acting!
Blessings to you and all of us on this site as we continue on this never ending journey.

Jan 03, 2012
They Can't Handle the Truth
by: TrishJ

Oh Judith~
Yes, it's another year. I was supposed to go with my daughter and son-in-law for New Year's Eve but just couldn't do it. You know the saying...I feel more alone in a crowd. I see all the other happy couples together and it makes me feel worse.
You are so right when you say "I need us back." That's exactly how I feel. I have actually had three different situations where well meaning friends were trying to fix me up. No thanks. I'm not interested. I won't settle for less than what I had.
I've been telling everyone for the past 6 months that I'm fine also. Those asking don't have a clue what losing your soul mate involves. I think they ask to make themselves feel better and they don't want the truth. They want you to say, "I'm fine."
Yup. Me too. I guess I just have to learn to deal with the loneliness. All we can do is our best. I know Joe would want me to be happy (as would your Chuck) but the only thing that will bring me happiness is having him back. That's not going to happen. a year or two? I don't know. Not right now....that's for sure.
Hugs to you. Happy New Year. I hope for the best every day for all of us.

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