don't know how much I can take

by Ted
(Canada)

I recently lost my best friend, my soulmate, my companion, my love (as all on here have). We had initially met each other 4 years ago and recently moved in together, planning to be married on December 12, 2012 (12/12/12) to share the rest of our lives togehter... Seven months later he dies suddenly. It was so sudden and totally unexpected - major organ failure due to undiagnosed ruptured blood vessels. Thursday a.m (before Good Friday) I left for work kissing him goodbye, talked to him on the phone an hour later as per usual. I arrived home that night after work to find him hoarse and tired which he insisted was due to fighting the flu for the last week. He woke me at 5 a.m. Good Friday and asked me to take him to emergency as he didn't feel well, he rapidly deteriorated going through two hospital emergency centres, to the point of my having to make the decision for discontinuence of life support by Saturday night; I held him and sat talking to him as he passed away before my eyes (only 10 minutes after disconnect). Easter Monday was spent planning for the memorial service on the subsequent Saturday, went to work on Tuesday (a fairly high level professional position) to meet with staff and explain what had happened (and "out" myself as I had kept my private life separate from my professional life - as my partner had also done), met with my Executive Committee the next day, advised my Board (17 members that were not aware of my personal lifestyle), was contacted by a government official on Wednesday (as I was on my way to the funeral home to identify my partner prior to cremation) to inform me that due to financial cutbacks at the federal level, our agency would no longer be receiving funding (and in essence I would be out of a job), had to go in to work on Thursday to meet with staff again to explain the funding issue... It is so hard to think there is a life worth living...I've lost my focus, and everything else. It is true, death is not a singular event...there's not only the death of the person, but also the death of all the hopes, dreams and expectations for the future. I am bitter, angy, so lonely. I am grateful for what we had together (it was a relationship envied by many of our friends and relatives), but I also am so mad about the brevity...I've lost my faith and desire for the future if it is all alone without him... I could go on and on about the ongoing drama around all these events, etc. but I don't want to appear to be having a "pity party"... My emotions are so raw and complicated...I cry at the drop of a hat...I am in counselling, but everyday life is so painfull...expecially the nights and weekends which we always used to spend doing things "together". I so miss "us"...

Comments for don't know how much I can take

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Jul 17, 2012
Hello Ted
by: Jo (England)

Dear Ted, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life in May. Just like you we had only 4 years together. He became ill with cancer just 18 months after we met. I quickly realised that love in a relationship is not measured in time but in depth. My darling husband and I definitely had depth of love. Our connection was very deep and I feel as if I have lost a big part of myself now. I truly understand your devastation Ted. To find true love and then to have it snatched away from you is cruel beyond belief. Just like you I am grateful that my darling and I met and I was lucky enough to have his love. Grief is the price we pay for love Ted. Some days my grief just overwhelms me but still I would rather bear this than never having had him in my life. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am sure you must be feeling the same way about your love. I believe Ted that the love of your life is with you and is giving you strength to carry on until you are reunited. God bless you Ted and may you find some peace soon, he would want that for you.

Jul 16, 2012
A Book You Might Be Interested In
by: Samantha

Ted, I did not come on this website to plug my book, I'm here because I am bereaved and also a professional bereavement counselor, so this is a place I know and respect with all my heart, but if you feel ready to read books by others who have healed from multiple losses, you may or may not want to take a look at "Someone To Talk To: Finding Peace, Purpose, and Joy After Tragedy and Loss" on Amazon.com. I'm not providing a link because I don't want to appear to be advertising here . . . I am just sincerely in sympathy with your suffering, and hope that your connections here on this website will help you along your path to healing.
Your title, "I don't know how much I can take," is very meaningful. This kind of life experiences gives us the answer to how much we can take, and the answer is surprising, because we can take much more than we think we can. And if we hang in long enough, the pain eases, and finally gives way. It takes time. Hang in there.

Jul 16, 2012
thnak you
by: Ted

Thanks everyone for your comforting words and warm thoughts...it does make a difference. I have shed many tears...tears are 1% water and 99% feelings.I am doing a lot of writing as that seems to be a domfort to me - many poems to Ron, and lots of journal entries on a nightly basis - thoughts and comments for the day as well as 3 things to be grateful for every day (at the encouragement of my counsellor). Sometimes I struggle for the gratefulness, but I am grateful for what we did have in so many ways and the fact that he brought friends into my life I would never have met without him and they are such a comfort - that is part of his legacy he left me with - some wonderfully supportive friends...

Jul 14, 2012
Ted, thinking of you
by: Jillian

Dear Ted,
Please accept my sincere condolences on your devastating loss.
You are so right about other problems being thrust at us when we are going through a painful bereavment. After the loss of my beloved mum (May 22nd 2012) I have had so much to cope with. As her only daughter we were devoted to one another for many years so like you I felt the time of bad news incredibly difficult.

Please remember you are the same person your partner adored. You have wonderful qualities that he valued.
I hope in time you can look back on your precious memories with less pain.
In the meantime please try and keep to some kind of routine and try to eat even if you dont have much appetite.
With my very best wishes, Jillian.

Jul 14, 2012
don't know how much I can take
by: Doreen U.K.

Ted I am sorry for your loss of your soulmate. I am so sorry for your loss of job at this difficult time.
You are in the most horrid place one can be with the early days of grief. You will keep crying, and searching, and wondering how you will go on in life without your soulmate. This is the hardest part of loving someone. We don't know how long it will last and so we go on loving and giving. Because this is what we do. WE LIVE OUR LIFE. As best as we can. I am just so sorry you did not get the length of years to fulfill your dreams and plans with your soulmate. There is no PAIN like what you are going through. Part of our grief is being ANGRY, BITTER, LONELY. We will lose our FOCUS. It is as if nothing matters. God always taught me. Doreen "Dont hold onto things too tightly because I can take them away at any time" the only thing I held tightly was my precious husband Steve. I didn't want to let him go. I want him back. I cry day and night. I feel I will never recover. 44years together. All Gone. We never got a chance to live. When Steve retired from work he was too ill with cancer. HE DIED 9 weeks ago today. WE take one day at a time. I just EXIST. I don't look forward to ONE DAY AT A TIME. Every day is empty and lonely. What is there to look forward to. I am housebound with arthritis. I am a prisoner in our home. The weekends are the worst. Especially Saturday. Steve died on a Saturday. It is always painfull. Ted I am glad you are in counselling. No matter how painfull this is. STICK WITH IT. You will one day begin to feel better much quicker than grieving by yourself. I may just have to get some grief counselling if I don't feel I am moving forward. Locked in Grief our living is limited. Till we can find some way forward from this pit of despair and loss. You are not alone TED. WE all grieve with you. But it is a lonely place to be when grieving our own private loss of our loved one. contemplating on all the future plans and dreams that will now never be fulfilled or lived. The loss of companionship that leaves us hollow. Empty. Lonely. Sad most of the time. Sorrow that wears us out. Ted I hope that whilst in counselling you are able to bear the pain knowing that you will come through this a stronger and more integrated person. YOU WILL SURVIVE. Best wishes.

Jul 13, 2012
More than complicated loss
by: Samantha

Ted, my heart aches for you. You have lost so much! Not only the love of your life, and your job, but also your privacy, and all at once! I hope your family and friends are around you, even though they may not know what to say and do to comfort you. I'm glad you're in counseling, that helps. All you can feel now is the pain, but over time - although the loss will always be there - there will be more than just the pain. You will eventually be able to draw comfort from having loved and been loved, and from the memories you created together, and your days will not be so difficult to get through. It's just getting from breath to breath, hour to hour, day to day, that is SO hard, now, but you can do it, you're doing it, and your heart will heal. You will be changed by these experiences, but in a good way . . . you will know so much more, and be able to be a comfort to others. For now, don't expect too much from yourself. Just be, and keep on living, and endure the slow process that will take you to healing. I know whereof I speak. Been there, done that, and it takes so much longer than others tell us it "should," but we come out the other side of the pain deeply enriched by the love, which lives on.

Jul 13, 2012
More than complicated loss
by: Samantha

Ted, my heart aches for you. You have lost so much! Not only the love of your life, and your job, but also your privacy, and all at once! I hope your family and friends are around you, even though they may not know what to say and do to comfort you. I'm glad you're in counseling, that helps. All you can feel now is the pain, but over time - although the loss will always be there - there will be more than just the pain. You will eventually be able to draw comfort from having loved and been loved, and from the memories you created together, and your days will not be so difficult to get through. It's just getting from breath to breath, hour to hour, day to day, that is SO hard, now, but you can do it, you're doing it, and your heart will heal. You will be changed by these experiences, but in a good way . . . you will know so much more, and be able to be a comfort to others. For now, don't expect too much from yourself. Just be, and keep on living, and endure the slow process that will take you to healing. I know whereof I speak. Been there, done that, and it takes so much longer than others tell us it "should," but we come out the other side of the pain deeply enriched by the love, which lives on.

Jul 13, 2012
sorry for your loss
by: martha

I am so sorry for your loss my son just passed away and i know how you feel. people keep telling me hang on but its so hard to do I don't know what to say other than I wish I was there just to hold your hand. Be strong for him and what would he want you to do.

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