don't know how much I can take
I recently lost my best friend, my soulmate, my companion, my love (as all on here have). We had initially met each other 4 years ago and recently moved in together, planning to be married on December 12, 2012 (12/12/12) to share the rest of our lives togehter... Seven months later he dies suddenly. It was so sudden and totally unexpected - major organ failure due to undiagnosed ruptured blood vessels. Thursday a.m (before Good Friday) I left for work kissing him goodbye, talked to him on the phone an hour later as per usual. I arrived home that night after work to find him hoarse and tired which he insisted was due to fighting the flu for the last week. He woke me at 5 a.m. Good Friday and asked me to take him to emergency as he didn't feel well, he rapidly deteriorated going through two hospital emergency centres, to the point of my having to make the decision for discontinuence of life support by Saturday night; I held him and sat talking to him as he passed away before my eyes (only 10 minutes after disconnect). Easter Monday was spent planning for the memorial service on the subsequent Saturday, went to work on Tuesday (a fairly high level professional position) to meet with staff and explain what had happened (and "out" myself as I had kept my private life separate from my professional life - as my partner had also done), met with my Executive Committee the next day, advised my Board (17 members that were not aware of my personal lifestyle), was contacted by a government official on Wednesday (as I was on my way to the funeral home to identify my partner prior to cremation) to inform me that due to financial cutbacks at the federal level, our agency would no longer be receiving funding (and in essence I would be out of a job), had to go in to work on Thursday to meet with staff again to explain the funding issue... It is so hard to think there is a life worth living...I've lost my focus, and everything else. It is true, death is not a singular event...there's not only the death of the person, but also the death of all the hopes, dreams and expectations for the future. I am bitter, angy, so lonely. I am grateful for what we had together (it was a relationship envied by many of our friends and relatives), but I also am so mad about the brevity...I've lost my faith and desire for the future if it is all alone without him... I could go on and on about the ongoing drama around all these events, etc. but I don't want to appear to be having a "pity party"... My emotions are so raw and complicated...I cry at the drop of a hat...I am in counselling, but everyday life is so painfull...expecially the nights and weekends which we always used to spend doing things "together". I so miss "us"...