Don't know if I really want to carry on

by Alan

My name is Alan and I lost my wife 6 months ago.
We had had a completely happy marriage for just over 21 years.
I am only 50 and have been told I've got a long new life to lead by both doctors and family and friends.
I at first went off the rails drinking heavily and being very reclusive at home.
I felt that I would never meet anyone else who could possibly want to be with me.
That feeling got worse and worse and I pursued any chance of being with women.
I felt it just wasn't me, the guilt I carry with me now is overwhelming.

I've got things out of my system now, but quite honestly when I go to bed at night I really hope I never wake up.
My life now just seems like an existence as apposed to really living..

They say time helps, I really hope this is true because I don't want to carry on feeling this way.

Comments for Don't know if I really want to carry on

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Mar 30, 2014
Alan of Derbyshire
by: Anonymous

Peace and ease of grief I pray for you. We all get to do this. No one gets a pass on death or grief. I tell myself this but it still hurts. It is okay to live on. Never forget but take the next step in honor of her. What would she say to you? Think about that. Cry some more, remember her and do what she tells you to do. My love died 2 weeks ago. We were married 35 years.

Mar 02, 2014
The Lord is my Strength
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous, Thank you for your post. I enjoyed reading it. I lost my husband coming up to 22 months in 3 days. I will soon be approaching the 2yrs. mark and can't believe it. I do feel my grief more, as if it was yesterday. Just when I am moving forward and then regressing it makes me feel as if my grief is really just starting. Especially every Saturday. This is the worst days of every week. Saturday was the day my husband was anointed by our Pastor for healing of his cancer and he died 8hours later. Late at night 9.54p.m. and into Sunday morning which is why I hate the weekends. His death is fresh each Saturday. I don't have to think of anything about that day. IT IS JUST THERE. Unwinding. Making me feel more and more that I need to see him. I feel a spasm of reality almost like a panic feeling. "He's gone" "He's never coming back." It is almost like a flashback in a split second. Then a feeling of panic which also passes within a second. I don't fear this feeling just the sense of loss. Memories will then take over making this loss more real. Then the memories of my mom come in. She died this month 11yrs. ago. Our Wedding Anniversary would have been on March 24th. So March is a painful month. But still a month I always loved.
Your husband lived a full life dedicated to saving other's this would make your loss more profound and deeply felt. But immensely proud. WE Wait and look for our Lord to return for us and reunite us with our beloved husband never to be parted again for Death will be swallowed up forever. This is a thought to hold on to when the going gets tough. Jesus is going through this grief with us. We just have to take one day at a time and Hold on to Jesus. He only gives us one day at a time. May you continue to be comforted in your grief and have better days, months, and years ahead with a good quality of life.

Mar 02, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello to everyone. It will be 2 yrs. on 3-8-14, since my sweet beautiful husband has passed on to greater pastures. He died of Lieukimia, cancer of the blood. Anyways I hear when you hit the 2 yr. mark, that one goes through a rushing of pain all over again, as if it was like yesterday. Has anyone in the 2 yr. mark of their spouse, has this happen to you. If so I would like to hear your experience to this, and what exactly do you go through. Well on 3-7-14 I will be honoring my husband at the San Joaquin Valley Nat'l Cemetary to honor him with his plaque & emblem I choose for him, to continue his legacy, as he also served the Air Force, as 1st class airman, and can you believe it has already been sat since 2-10-14, and it was suppose to take like 30 to 65 days, but arrived earlier. Great! Right! That is what I mean how the Lord works his plan, amazing, but I am proud of my loving husband he lived life to the fullest, and love life, but his always letting me know he is around, as a matter a fact he paid me a visit again. There was a dime on the kitchen floor wasn't there this morning or when I was cleaning house, and all of a sudden around 10:15 pm boom there it was a dime in the floor. I know it was him, and he is also helping me behind the sceans regarding his ceremonial for Veterans. I too miss him so much, but GOD keeps me strong, and my little baby's dog/cat - Lulu & blacky if I didn't have my pets. I really think I would some what be a basket case, but I continue to go forward. Not easy, but keep asking the Lord what is my purpose for him now. I know part of it is continuing my husband's legacy, you see he was an excellent Rehab counselor especially for the gangsters, was so love by them, because my husband also saved life's and by the thousands, he made alot of difference in people's life's, when some of his messes approach me and say hello Mrs. Sanders how are you they give me a good story of themselves, and say well I am 5, 10 or even months or 2 yrs sober, on whatever the drug of choice they were in, or alcolholics or you name it. Now they live clean life's that even makes me more proud of my beautiful, humble husband, because his memories also lives in this life's he changes. Amazing huh. Anyways just thought I share that. God bless all of you, and just take one day at a time, minute, seconds at a time. May the Lord keep you all in his light, and bless you with his loving power. Amen

Mar 01, 2014
Same boat
by: Bob

I also lost my wife 6 months ago and I feel
like I'm in a different world. I Started
going to bereavement meetings and that does
help a little.

I know, The whole #$%^&* world is not
the same! This is going to take some time
for us to come down to earth!

Take it slow


Feb 12, 2014
I feel like giving up! What's the point
by: Doreen UK

Michelle, I am sorry for your loss of your beloved partner 2yrs. ago. I know you feel like giving up and feel "What is the point?"of going on in life with all the health obstacles in your way. You have serious health issues that need good support, and the loneliness of grief does not help matters. Grief adds to the tiredness in one's body like an assault. No one can blame you for how you feel. Your friends saying that you will meet someone some day are trying to say the right thing to cheer you up, but will make you feel that your case is useless because you are housebound and can't get out. This will add to your grief. I am housebound at the moment and feel like a prisoner. I lost my husband to cancer 21 months ago and still have sorrow in my heart. The best way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't limit your life due to your circumstances NOW. They could change. You say you have made some bad decisions. Most of us do. And we often have to live with the consequences which can be felt for some time. We take a Risk and none of us knows if we are making the right decision, but decisions have to be made. My counsellor told me if I ever can't make up my mind. Don't make a decision. If I have a gut feeling about what is before me. Go with my Gut feeling it is often the right decision. REGRETS. We all have them. You say you need God in your life. Ask Jesus into your life and He will come in and give you His comfort and Peace. The Christian road is a hard road. But God goes before us and protects and guides us if we ask Him. God is my FOCUS. I would not have survived all my tragedies without Him. God is preparing a place for us in Heaven and He will come back for us as He promised so we could live with Him forever. No more tears, sorrow, pain, death. This is my Blessed Hope. To have eternal life and go to Heaven and be re-united with my husband. If you listen to Joel Osteen, and David Jeremiah, both good American preachers you will be greatly encouraged. Seek God, and Put Him in your life. You won't regret it. He is the only Way forward. May God Bless you, and Comfort you and Heal you from your medical surgeries. May you know His Presence in your life.

Feb 12, 2014
It's OK
by: Anonymous

Allan After I lost my partner I too did some really stupid crazy stuff too, we lose who we were. I think back now and can't believe what I did.
Don't beat yourself up over that we all react differently. It's OK.
Two and half years later things are better, but in the first 12 - 18 months I wanted to die too, like living in a nightmare you can't wake from.
It's OK, come hear and seek advice, and chat to people who truly understand what it's like to experince intense grief, it has helped me enormously! Especially Doreen and Lawrence.x

Feb 11, 2014
to Michelle--
by: Anonymous---MI

Michelle, I read your reply to 'don't know if I really want to carry on' and I had to write to you because you stated you need God in your life. We ALL need God; and you can have His love and compassion in your life. Turn to Him; and He will be there to carry you through the worst of storms. Ask for Him to help you; forgive you and give you strength to go on with life that He has planned for you. Even in the very worst of times God's hand is moving through our lives if we but ask Him. God Bless You.

Feb 11, 2014
I know how you feel
by: Michele

I lost my beloved suddenly almost 2 years ago. I have a spine condition and am disabled. I just had surgery and need many more, but I just don't see the use. I can't go anywhere or do anything. I am a burden to society and life is very hard for me. Losing my beloved caused my health to decline greatly. My friends insist I will meet some one else, but the reality is I can't even go on a date. I still cry everyday and feel like I have made some very bad decisions. I have no desire to do anything, and due to my spinal issue I can't do much of what I used to do.

I am just tired of it all and have little desire to carry on. I need god in my life.

Feb 10, 2014
Don't know if I really want to carry on
by: Doreen UK

Alan I am sorry for your loss of your wife. To lose a spouse is a very painful experience. I know how you feel. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a slow cancer 21 months ago. I had the first worst 6 months of my life where I could do nothing but retire to the settee and let the TV be my comfort from the ALONENESS I felt. My husband was due to retire and died before he could enjoy his life from a long 47yrs. working life. My husband was 65yrs. and I felt that was too young to die. All I could see was this long road I had to travel and the loneliness would swallow me up to the point I didn't want to be here. I learned on this site to TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. This has helped me get through the last 21 months.
With you being 50yrs. You are still young. It doesn't help one know that they have a long road ahead of them without their life partner. Try and see a CRUSE bereavement counsellor since you are struggling with your grief. It is still early days and 6 months is not long enough to start making a recovery. Healing from loss is so slow many of us want to give up living. Take one step at a time. Start building yourself up with many good things you do for yourself each day. Don't rush to date. You may end up with the wrong relationship. Don't give up Hope. You will one day find a companion to help you go through each day. You may well end up with a life companion who will add quality to your life. You are too young to go through the rest of your life alone. You are no dishonouring your wife. God created man and then woman for man so he wouldn't be alone. That is reason enough for any widow/widower to not want to go through life alone. I hate the ALONENESS that loss brings. A hobby, job, friendship cannot fill that VOID, that only a life companion can fill. WE do still have needs and this hurts when we have lost our partner in life. WE all need someone to enjoy life with. Don't despair. FOCUS. Make a plan. You will soon be able to re-structure you life again. I know it is not what you wanted. Often we have to just work with what we have. I wish you better days ahead and recovery from grief.

Feb 09, 2014
Don't know if I really want to carry on
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Alan,
I can truly understand your comment about if you really want to carry on.
My husband of 46 years died from a massive heart attack on June 27, 2011. Our 46th wedding anniversary was June 26,2011. It will be 3 years since his death and I still feel a part of me died with him.
I just turned 67 on January 5th. My husband was 67 when he died. I retired on January 24th. i just had a part time job; but was no longer enjoying it. I want to live my life. It isn't the life I would choose, but it is the life God has given me. My husband was my life. Living without him is an everyday challenge. This ache in my heart for him will never go away. For me finding another man isn't in the picture. I have set too high of standards. I want Mr. Perfect. He doesn't exist; I know that. It's just I had an almost perfect husband. Believe me, he wasn't perfect, as he was a recovered alcoholic, but once he sought complete sobriety, he almost was. I always told him my life with him was perfect since he stopped drinking. My husband did everything for me.
Please don't turn to drinking; it won't help; only makes things seem worse. Be good to yourself, do things you enjoy. Seek out others who really understand what you are going through. Only someone who has experienced first hand what we have, truly understands. I joined a grief support group through my church. I met three other widows. We developed a friendship. Two of them, now have another man in their life, another one expressed she doesn't want to live the rest of her life alone. I still want and miss only my husband. I don't miss a man in my life; I miss my husband. Every morning I tell him good morning and I ask God to guide me and show me the way. I am still taking it "just one day at a time". That's really all we can do. Your wife would want you to go. When I experience something new, I tell my husband I am doing it for the both of us. Doesn't make me miss him any less, I'll always miss him.
6 months; you are still in the early stages of your grief. Give yourself time to grieve as long as you need to. My thoughts and prayer go out to you and everyone else on this site.

Feb 09, 2014
by: Lawrence

Hi Alan,
Take absolutely no notice of all this advice you have been given, you have received a catastrophic shock at losing the girl you loved so deeply and until these people have been through this “**ll on earth” themselves they should not even express an opinion.
I lost a beautiful cherished wife just over a year ago and know exactly how you are feeling, like you; I didn’t want to live after being together for a lifetime. Life had lost all its meaning and I could see no reason to live alone in agony, the pain of my loss was overwhelming and slowly destroying me.
Then I had an epiphany; I realized my wife would be furious to see me suffering so badly and I was determined to pull myself together.
You are still in the early stages of your loss and the best way to overcome your intense grief would be to cry and cry but I assume that part has lessened but it will never go away completely, I still find myself weeping at seeing people doing things we did together for so many years..
Guilt and regrets are part of the normal feeling at losing a precious partner, wondering if you could have done anything to prevent this calamity happening, but what happened is called LIFE and we have little control over it.
This is my life now and the first thing I must suggest is that you get away from your house where you had so many happy memories; it will still be there when you return, just as you left it empty and lonely.
Go to the local library and read the newspapers every day.
Join a social club and meet other people also in agony of losing a partner, they will welcome you with open arms.
I am learning to play bridge which after six month’s hard work is paying off and I am in danger of becoming an addict, but it is taking my mind off being alone.
If you are computer literate write a book about your intense love you had for each other, writing is so therapeutic and if you have children they would admire you and want to read about their mum and dad’s love affair..
Don’t worry if you can’t string a sentence together, it’s not important.
What I am saying is FILL YOUR DAYS, occupy your mind, and don’t flounder in your unhappiness; it’s not what your wife would want for you.
Don’t search franticly to replace her, you will never find anyone who can heal your broken heart YET, give yourself time, if it happens so be it.
Everybody on this web site was been through, or is going through, the agony you are now experiencing, so you are with people who understand and grieve with you, read all our contributions and you will find they will help and that you are not alone.
With deepest sympathy

Feb 09, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Alan or "Don't know if I really want to carry on. Well you are not alone, on all this. You don't mention what your wife passed on about, so if you don't mine me asking, was it an illness or a tragic something. Well I know you are very in your early stages, and drinking will only prolong your grief. I don't think your wife would want to see you this way, as a matter a fact. She's looking down on you, and letting you know she love's you, and even though the body isn't here with us their spirit will always be around us. I lost my husband to cancer 1 yr. 11 months ago, but of Leukemia, and I know that you are feeling very lonely, angry, and so many emotions come to us, but some how we are still here in this earth, and maybe just maybe there is a little glimpse of faith, hope in you, because you have to be strong for yourself, and if you have children, well even more so, but I don't know your whole story, so please know that all of us here grief with you as well, because we all feel that same pain, void in our hearts, and the only way to get better is either go seek counseling, or go to a grief group, or just plainly pray to the Lord to give you strength in all this, because you are in so much pain, and agony, and it seems like sometimes you are beyond yourself, and you need a dose of Jesus calling on you now. I hope, and pray that you seek even go to church, and sit there, and give your burdens to the Lord are creator, it will take time, but in time you will get a little better, but we never really stay the same, and I just hope for your sake you seek some help, because you are human, and you feel, and that is okay, but just so you can have some form of comfort in your life. For now may the light of Jesus guide you, and be with you in this grieving time. The Lord is my Strength

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