Don't know what I am doing purpose left inside me

by Bonnie
(Beaufort, SC)

For some reason, today has bee horribly sad and lonely. My neighbor came by to visit and we both started crying because we miss him so much. She insists that I should at least pack up some of his clothes that are in his bedroom but I can't do that. That seems to me that it makes it "final" and I am not ready to make it final. He was the love of my life for twenty-five years and I miss him so much. He died in his room on his bed as his nurse was changing his bandages. He was laughing with her and then he just suddenly laid back and stopped breathing. I was home with him and we were watching tv just before the nurse came to our house. I let her in and went to the bathroom. I didn't see him get up from the couch and go into his bedroom with her. I knew he was getting sicker and sicker but everytime we rushed him to the hospital in distress, he recovered and came back home. I think that made it harder for me to accept that he was on the verge of leaving me. I replay the scene that morning over and over. When the nurse hollered to me to call 911, I rushed in the room. He was laying on the bed looking straight up. His eyes were open but they were fixed and looking up. The nurse was doing CPR and told me he was still breathing but I knew he was gone when I looked in his face. He had a glow on his face and a very peaceful look...almost like he was looking into the face of the Father....I will never forget that look....He suffered terribly during the last few months of his life...actually he suffered during the last four years of his life but the last six months were the worst. We were turned down by hospice because my husband insisted he wanted "aggressive" treatment. He told them he wanted me to call 911 in an emergency....that decision made things much worse for me because I lived with the pain he was in and could do nothing about it other than to give him his pain pills. And...we fought over the pain pills. I was scared to give him all that he asked for because his heart was so weak. He could not understand this and he wanted more because the pain was so unbearable. Funny thing happened though. The morning he died, he told me that I forgot to leave his pain pills out the evening before. I told him I was so sorry, that I forgot because I was sick myself when I went to bed. In a very quiet small voice he said, "that's ok...I am ok" this was just before he died. After he died, the hospital found 8 pain pills in his pants pocket that I didn't even know he had...

I don't know why I am saying this except that I think he had finally came to terms with the fact that he was dying and that nothing could change that.

I miss him so much...the silence and loneliness are almost too much to bear....funny after all those years and the stupid arguments about leaving each other and divorce (never meaning it) I realize how much I loved him and relied on him. He was my best friend.

I simply do not know what to do with my life right to pick up the pieces and move on.

Comments for Don't know what I am doing purpose left inside me

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Jun 16, 2011
You are here to be the survivor
by: M Mack


I can relate to reliving that last moment over and over again. It bothers me too, finding the love of my life- lying face up, eyes open, fixed and peaceful- as though he was looking at God. I tried waking him only to realize he's gone. The shock and pain of that day I will never forget. Witnessing this speaks volumes and one grows into a different person. I have changed, and our whole life together is bottled up into that final moment. I'm trying to unravel us, a little bit at a time, sorting what I have learned from this devastating experience. It was him and I for that moment, and until the ambulance arrived that my life changed forever. It's been 11 months, and I have a long way to go because I miss his laugh, his beautiful eyes, the way he treated me and the love we shared. You and I will get through this eventually. Life is precious and I've learned - never take it for granted. Peace and prayers.

Jun 15, 2011
I Know What You're Doing Here
by: TrishJ

You are here because you were brave enough to venture onto this wonderful site. You are here because you need us.
My husband Joe died on December 3, 2010 while awaiting a heart transplant. I know exactly what you mean. Joe was very ill for the last three years of his life the the last 6 months were horrendous. It took a toll on all of us who loved him. We didn't want to see him suffer any longer but we were not ready to let him go.
Going through the clothes and personal belongings is one of the hardest things I had to do. Thank God my niece was there with me. My daughter couldn't do it. It's little baby steps. If you don't feel up to something don't push yourself. Pamper yourself as much as possible. A mani~ pedi and or massage is very relaxing. Be good to yourself and lean on your friends and family for support. I was married for a long time too and felt as if part of my flesh was torn away. Like a flesh wound it does heal but it's never the same again. We can get to a place where we're happy again. It isn't easy. Grief is a lot of work. I talk to God daily and ask for strength and direction. Some days I just don't think he's listening....but he is.
Peace and hugs to you. Keep trying....keep will get better. I feel like I'm about 1/3 the way there.

Jun 15, 2011
It's O.K we know and understand

You do not mention how far along in grief you are but it sounds new. Your neighbor is trying to help you and that is fine. But you need to travel the road of grief at your own pace. Leave the clothes where they are, when the time is right you will donate what you want. I am a year and a half into the long journey of grief. Life is just now starting to even out and feel like my own. Please come here often and vent. The people here are warm and understanding. Read lost love/spouse under yourspace. Old or new post it does not matter. You will see that you are not alone in your feelings and that helps too.
Remember one step one breath at a time...

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