Don't Talk Please..Just Listen..

by Vickie

I am here today writing once again. I am so very grateful to have found this wonderful site, it has truly been a blessing to me. I was thinking to myself how sad it is that I am finding comfort from people who have suffered such tragic losses. I wish None of us were here but we are..and I thank all of you for your kind and caring words. The loss of a child- that is something that can bring together people who may have never had anything in common. Because death has no particular party, race, social groups or anything from which it chooses. We are all here because of our world being shattered by a loss of such magnitude that only 'we' can understand. I wrote a blog a few days ago and a sweet woman by the name of Elaine commented on it. Her words hit home for me. She wrote that she had just lost her son a couple months ago in an accident. Since that time she has been functioning but some days are not as good. She mentioned that she wants to be able to just 'grieve' in her own way and time. That some people have given her advice that she found rude. She wanted to be able to talk about her beloved son without people questioning her. I think that was what really got me after I lost my daughter. Some people were very supportive and respected my space but there were some that I also felt like slapping. My daughters accident was in the local paper and when I returned to work there were whispers of what had happened. I was angry and hurt. I couldn't believe that some people were so callous in their behavior. They were making judgment calls from an article that was sent to print before my daughter was even recovered from the accident. The reporter tried to retract the incorrect info. in an article the next day but some people are idiots!! The loss of our children as we All know goes beyond Any words that we could even begin to write. I needed and wanted to talk about my daughter and her death but it made everyone around me uncomfortable. It was like they all wanted me to Not think about it. I wanted to Scream and say "Do you not understand my loss!!! She was my child!! Not the family pet!!" I am grateful for my very best friend, because she did allow me to just talk and she Listened. She did not offer advice or tell me to stop-she was there. Death is an awkward and uncomfortable- mostly painful for all of us. I think maybe people are afraid that we are looking for magic words or a way to end our pain..when all we really want, is for them to just listen. It can be a lonely place after time goes by. I found myself feeling isolated. Like I had this rare disease that no one else had and I had to find a way to deal with it alone. I am here now over two yr's since my beautiful girl died. I know life will never be the same but being able to come here has definitely been a comfort. God Bless You All.

Comments for Don't Talk Please..Just Listen..

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Feb 20, 2012
Very well said.
by: Mary

Thank you Vickie and Elaine.

Our child died, we don't have a disease. And please don't ask us if we're ok, or a least for me. I can lie to you and say yes, don't ask me how I'm doing, i can to you and say fine. Think about it, how do you really think I'm doing?

Dec 23, 2011
Sorry for your loss..
by: Anonymous

I am very sorry for the loss of your son. People are simply 'stupid' at times. I know what you are talking about when you speak about people asking for details about their deaths. You would think that their Common Sense would kick in, but then I have learned from experience-some people lack Common Sense. I had to go to a doctors office and request my daughters medical records for some legal litigation after she passed and the front desk girls working there had the stupidity to ask me details of her wreck. Some people we have to just look pass. I hope that in time you will find some peace. I lost a cousin to an unfortunate situation-he was arnd. forty at the time of his death. There were no services, was hard for his sister and family to find closure. Maybe you can find a place and put a memorial for him.God Bless You and your family.

Dec 06, 2011
dont talk please,,,,just listen
by: Anonymous

I read your story, and sadly i am in the same situation as you, i lost my beautiful 36 year old son and only child. I never wanted to discuss the situation of why he died, and the people i finally talked to instantly wanted to know how he died and if there was anything i could have done to help save him. After stumbling around for the right words i finally came up with a plan, i tell all inquiring minds that he simply died from a medical condition that he knew nothing about till it was too late, he simply died in his sleep at home in his bed. That is facts i live with every second because he died in his sleep he went into a coma and my husband and i didn't know till it was too late. Why he went in to a coma is personal to me. His friends do not know he is dead, i never had a formal announcement in the paper or a public funeral. We quietly had him Cremated, and his remains will be buried with us. We were together for 36 years in life.

Oct 31, 2011
Listening Comes From The Heart of A Good Friend
by: TrishJ

The general population is callous and uncaring when it comes to the death of our loved ones. They "show up" at the funeral home and say the right things, "Call me if there is anything I can do." They don't really mean it. Not the biggest part of them. When we have these tragedies in our lives we find out who our true friends are.
I lost my husband 11 months ago and still.....I go to the same two friends who just listen to me and don't judge. I have several other "friends" who have just sort of pulled away from me. I think they are afraid of death happening in their lives and think this thing might be catching. They don't want to discuss it. They don't to be bothered with it. I love nothing more than talking about my husband with his best friend from New Jersey. I think it comforts him also. We want to talk about them and remember why we love them so. Keep that good friend always. Let her know how much you appreciate her. Good true friends are a gift from God.
Hugs and Peace to you.

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