Don't want to live anymore
I lost my Charlie 19 days ago. Although he had a lung transplant almost 9 years ago he was doing well until he fell from a tractor cab and broke his wrist. Infection either from the open break or something in the surgery attacked his good lung (he was immunosuppressed from anti rejection drugs) He had serious pneumonia, irregular heart beat, had to be put on dialysis. suffered a hematoma and a perforated bowel. He was in the ICU for a month on a ventilator most of the time (they tried to take him off twice). I stayed with him night and day til my brother came from out of state to let me get a little rest. Charlie was in terrible pain all the time unless he was sedated. He had always said it was not living if all you did was go to the doctor all of the time and he was facing at least a year in a nursing home. I felt I had to let him go. We took him off the vent and kept him pain free. 30 hours later he died peacefully with me holding onto him and telling him how much I loved him. I can't seem to get over the guilt of taking him off the vent. Maybe we should have waited one more day!
We were married for 45 years. We have no children. It was always just the two of us.
I owned a shop for 20 years (it helped support us after Charlie became sick back in 1997. As I approached 66 we decided I should close the shop and retire. It took longer than necessary because I kept thinking I could sell it. We were two weeks into an 8 week retirement sale when Charlie fell. Today the shop closed. What was to have been a day of celebration for the two of us (we just wanted to spend time together here on our farm) has been one of the saddest days of my life instead, just thinking of what might have been. Hardest of all was coming home tonight to an empty house. I could have been a wonderful night.
Grief is truly the most terrible thing. I can't imagine living without him. I don't suppose I would be brave enough to do anything about it, but I would welcome death. I want to be with Charlie.