Don't want to live anymore

by Julie
(Iowa)


I lost my Charlie 19 days ago. Although he had a lung transplant almost 9 years ago he was doing well until he fell from a tractor cab and broke his wrist. Infection either from the open break or something in the surgery attacked his good lung (he was immunosuppressed from anti rejection drugs) He had serious pneumonia, irregular heart beat, had to be put on dialysis. suffered a hematoma and a perforated bowel. He was in the ICU for a month on a ventilator most of the time (they tried to take him off twice). I stayed with him night and day til my brother came from out of state to let me get a little rest. Charlie was in terrible pain all the time unless he was sedated. He had always said it was not living if all you did was go to the doctor all of the time and he was facing at least a year in a nursing home. I felt I had to let him go. We took him off the vent and kept him pain free. 30 hours later he died peacefully with me holding onto him and telling him how much I loved him. I can't seem to get over the guilt of taking him off the vent. Maybe we should have waited one more day!
We were married for 45 years. We have no children. It was always just the two of us.
I owned a shop for 20 years (it helped support us after Charlie became sick back in 1997. As I approached 66 we decided I should close the shop and retire. It took longer than necessary because I kept thinking I could sell it. We were two weeks into an 8 week retirement sale when Charlie fell. Today the shop closed. What was to have been a day of celebration for the two of us (we just wanted to spend time together here on our farm) has been one of the saddest days of my life instead, just thinking of what might have been. Hardest of all was coming home tonight to an empty house. I could have been a wonderful night.
Grief is truly the most terrible thing. I can't imagine living without him. I don't suppose I would be brave enough to do anything about it, but I would welcome death. I want to be with Charlie.

Comments for Don't want to live anymore

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Jun 24, 2014
I understand
by: Pam

I am so sorry for your loss and your heartbreak. I'm not going to tell you it gets better, because you and your husband were unique, so only you know if and how you carry on. It's 10 months tomorrow since my beloved husband passed. I have no idea how or why I'm still here. This isn't just grief and the loneliness without him.....he was and will always be my love, my heart, my meaning and purpose. Without him here, there is nothing - I am nothing. But I'm not trying to be anyone or anything either....there was no
i there was us - there is no me. just can't happen. I've tried the antidepressants, the counselling - but none will bring back us. Loved ones say this too will pass, but the truth is, that 'grief and loss dont pass. Others want us to recover, but the truth is I won't. The one thing that has changed is that I have no fear of death or dying. So I wait patiently for death. It's all there is and then we will be us again. With love and heartfelt sympathy to you all cc

Apr 22, 2014
Understand too well
by: Anonymous

It will be a year and 2 months very shortly since I lost Jim. My best friend, husband, lover, confidante,..... I could go on and on... My 3 children have been absolutely wonderful through this traumatic nightmare. These last months it has been made very obvious to me that my children really love me and need me here. Even with their love, this is just too painful. While I am a strong Christian, I do have my moments...more often than I care to admit, I still fight with the desire not to be here anymore....I want desperately to be with my other half....for the whole in my heart just won't stop bleeding. I have been to counseling, on medication, pray earnestly to be delivered from this pain..... I have gotten better at not letting people see how much pain I am still in. Everyone has their own struggles in this life. They do not need me whining and crying, feeling like it is never going to end. Tonight, I got on the Internet looking for a place that I could actually talk about not about not wanting to be here anymore - without getting all the usual come backs....where others really understand because they share the same feelings. Having shared, actually does make me feel better.

Apr 19, 2014
Failed mom
by: Anonymous

I feel like I did a terrible job with my sons one got in trouble with possession of drugs an he did a stupid thing with a bad friend an now I worry he will not become a policeman.my other son got in trouble at school for drinking. I feel like I did a very bad job as a parent I should have done more for them I can not accept all this anxiety in my life.the last years have been so terrible I worry all the time

Mar 19, 2014
Don't want to live anymore
by: K

ZOE....you said it better than anyone. It will soon be three years since my B died after being together for almost 20 years. I beat myself up over the regrets, the guilt, not being able to save him from the cancer, not being able to be in control. i was his protector and bulldog. And I felt like I failed. But I was with him at the end and every step along the way and that has given me such comfort knowing that I was able to do this for him. He would call me his Angel. I could not face what was coming so I was so in denial and tough until they said he was going to die.

The first year was *ell. I got alot of therapy. No one else "got it". Just went there to cry my eyes out. Second year, better and now I am beginning to feel like I am ready to live again. He told me that "I was going to need a friend". That makes it easier to put myself out there. They wanted to live so badly.....we MUST live like they fought so hard not to die. They want us to fulfill what is left of our lives. We are taking them with us.....not leaving them behind.

God Bless you ALL as you go through this.

Katrina

Jun 27, 2013
I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I know all too well how you feel.It's been almost 7 months since my husband died and it isn't getting any better. I'm on antidepressants and everyone seems to think that is the cure-all.Just take pills and everything will be ok. everyone who said they would be there for me isn't. I'm all alone in an empty house without anyone to talk to. I keep thinking I should have done things differently but it's too late. I don't want to live any more. Just no point to it; I want to be with Dennie. He was my life for 39 years and I want to be with him!!!

Apr 28, 2013
Don't want to live anymore
by: Anonymous

I so very much understand. I had to take my husband of 37 years off breathing plus request assisted sedation for him to finally be released from the suffering of ALS. It's been ten months. We were each others everything as we also had not been blessed with children. This exhaustion and insanity of complicated grief is only one of the battles in the day. Then there is the flash back and visuals I constantly have of his torturous life of ALS and palliative caring for him alone out here on our farm. Then this emptiness of nothing that is normal or the same on my days. With no children there is no family structure to feel a part of. And it seems all of what was our social structure has finished and slowly just dispersed into isolation. What I do have now is people and situations I try and create on my own, but its all so un normal and not my life. Nothing in my days feel like my life at all. I live in a rural community out on our farm. We also were within a year of retirement. Everything I knew as normal is gone. Everything died when he died. And the worst of all is is that best part and the love of my life and purpose to breath is gone. I too truly don't want to live anymore. The only thing in the hours that past that keep me here is that my husbands strong believe that if I did something to take my life I would not find him on the other side. Thats all that keeps me here. As that's all I want now is to be in his presence. Nothing, not one thing holds reason to live for me.

Apr 02, 2013
Checking on you
by: Angela

How are you? Have you found any moments without pain? Have you been able to find joy again? I took care of my mother for nearly six months as she died from pancreatic cancer. She passed away on January 2nd, 2013. Two days after her funeral, my father collapsed and also passed away in January, 2013. The grief is overwhelming and I'm sinking into the depths of depression and losing my will to live. I can barely get out of bed each day and don't seem to be getting ether. It has been 2.5 months since we buried my father. You mentioned also having the feelings of not wanting to live. Did those feelings fade over time? If so, I'm so happy for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

May 30, 2012
It's painful. But don't give up.
by: Andrew

I understand your pain. 3 years ago I lost the love of my life, Michelle. She was kind, gentle, funny, beautiful, smart, generous and always did everything in her power to keep those around her happy, sometimes at her own expense. We had been together since the tender age of 14. I proposed to her when were 18 but we decided to wait until we were old enough to support ourselves and eventual children. Then when we were 19 it happened. I don't want to go into details as it brings back painful memories but I lost her. My entire world crumbled. I didn't feel like doing anything at all and I didn't either. All I did was sit at home day in and day out. I couldn't even bring myself to attend her funeral because it was too painful, partially because of the memories of the time we spent together and partially because I felt that if I went that would make it final; that she was really gone.
After finally plucking up the courage I went to visit her grave and her parents came too. I apologized to them for not attending her funeral and that I was ashamed...but they forgave me. This made me realize where she had inherited her kind nature from. I told them I didn't know what to do as my entire being felt empty, hollow. Her father looked into my eyes and said "Andrew. Loss of loved ones is painful, but we must never stop living because of it. I know how hard this is for you but I think Michelle is in even more pain to see you hold back on your life because she's no longer here. I'm sure she wants you to live your life to the fullest and she'll be waiting for you when the time comes.". I could tell he was fighting VERY hard to hold back his tears when saying this. It was after this that I decided to live my life as best I could so I would never regret anything.
Today at 22 I'm studying very hard to make something of myself and I will keep on living no matter how painful it gets. I see it as my duty to live for the both of us.

I apologize for the dragged out story but the reason I decided to tell you this because I know how painful it is to lose someone. But don't ever give up. The way I see it when someone truly dies is when they're forgotten. As long as you keep the memories of Charlie and your love for him deep within your heart he will never truly die; he will live on in you. I am sure he is watching over you and looking forward to the day you are reunited but at the same time I'm positive he wants you to live as long as you can.

Best wishes and regards, Andrew

May 01, 2012
Hugs
by: Michael

Yes, hugs to all of us going through this unbearable grief. I have no reason to live but I can't give up. They tell me it gets easier as time goes on but it has only been 5 weeks since I lost my beloved wife. I try to keep busy but nothing seems to have any meaning. I pray for all of us survivors because it is not what we wanted. I would have been more than happy to have passed on with my wife. I don't know what is next but I do know the pain I feel is almost unbearable. I need to be in God's light when I pass on so I will live the rest of my life with honesty, forgiveness and love.

Michael

Apr 30, 2012
thank you all
by: Julie

When I read all your comments last night, I cried even harder. Mostly because I can still feel the pain you all have and I can see what a long road this is going to be. I 've made a list of the things that I want to accomplish. I think if I am able to do them I will be around long enough that I may change my mind about joining Charlie. Right now, however, it is the only thought that seems to bring me peace. At any rate thank you all for your heartfelt help.
I'm just so new to this and everything is so raw. Tonight at 7:30 it will be three weeks since Charlie died. I'm going to take some flowers to the cemetery even though I think he is always here with me.

Apr 29, 2012
Loss
by: Zoe

It has been 770 days since I lost John. The hardest thing I have had to wrap my head around was there was nothing I could do to save him. We promised to take care of each other, how could I have failed so totally. It took a very dear friend to tell me what I am about to tell you. You could not save him, you could not change his leaving. You stayed with him, he had dignity and your love. Does that fix your grieving no of course not. But you need to let go of the guilt
Guilt. Look I know you don't want to hear this now. Your pain and your anger are too great I remember that time.
John and I were building our last house we were ready as well to be old together. He died 12 days after he was diagnosed.
Its not the way it's supposed to be. I got that, I can't tell you why
But I can tell you you will reach a place where you can work through the pain. He trusted you with his end. That is an amazing love and you still have that
But for right now when it is too much
Its one breath one step one day at a time

Apr 29, 2012
please don't give up
by: Anonymous

Loss of a husband, boyfriend or true love is almost unbearable, and feels worse than unbearable. But although I don't know Charlie, I wish you both well, and please, don't give up on life. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to. But if you ever feel like hurting yourself I've been there and I know first hand what it's like to feel like that and also survive those attempts. I've tried to kill myself, and I've come close to dying, and when that happens I no longer want to die. I don't want you to have to make go through that. There are things you can do to stop those thoughts. One that I'd recommend is, give yourself time to recover. It won't happen immediately. but as painful as it is, I've been through losses where I've wanted to stop living. And as time goes by it gets easier to know that you can keep fighting and you can make it out of this depressed state. But if you ever feel like giving up, do everything possible to say "no, I won't let this pain take over." just tell yourself and make yourself believe it. If that doesn't work, go anywhere you can, therapist, trusted friend, etc. and tell them how you feel and try to do anything you can not to give up. If you aren't religious I respect your decision and disregard this next part if you don't feel comfortable reading it. But prayer saved me. Here's what you do, pray asking for comfort and all you need to realize is God will help you. Believe that he will comfort you. All you need to do is ask. and tell him honestly "I am turning to you for help. Please comfort me and give me strength to continue" ask this and he will help you. read the bible (about a chapter as you wake up and one before bed will work perfect, and the chapters are short) but just take the time to read it and if you want to read ahead that is also just fine. It is your choice, but this helped me and I believe it will help you. any further questions or if you ever feel the need to contact me I am available and I won't turn you down. You can contact me at sarahcrafty@gmail.com and I will be more than happy to help you.

Apr 29, 2012
We are Here for a Reason....But what???
by: TrishJ

Julie~
God bless you. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband Joe, 16 months ago. He was on the UNOS list through the University of Chicago for cardiac transplant. The transplant is such an emotional roller coaster
ride. My husband didn't make it to transplant. I was prepared for the after transplant care but we never got to that stage.
I feel so often like you do. I was married for 38 years and was 19 when I met my husband. I don't know how to live without him and the fear of the unknown overwhelms me most day. I'm trying to figure out my purpose without him but I don't have a clue as to what that is.
I hope you find some peace. It's a lonely life. I would give anything just to spend one more day with my husband. I miss him so much.
Only we who have gone through this knows what it feels like.
Try to smile today. Hugs.

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