Drugs and alcohol were more important than me

by NIN

I am in my mid 30’s and I was recently in the early stages of getting to know someone who instantly captivated me. She is 28 years old, hard worker, goal oriented, cultured and very beautiful (drop dead gorgeous). We were together for only 3 months. But since the beginning I always felt that there was a strange side of her that I couldn’t decipher. Mutual friends of mine know her and they all confirmed that she was very interested in me. As a result, I got her phone number, start talking to her and we seemed to get along excellent. However, when I would try to take her out on a date I would encounter a hesitation on her part which was strange. It felt like a tug of war; one side with me and the other with someone or something that I wasn’t aware of. Not wanting to push the issue I never asked her out again nor called her. A week later she contacted me and apologized for her absence and urges to meet up on a date. The first time we went out we had a great time, which led to a second date which was even better than the first; topped off by a third date which we got home at 7:00AM.
On the third date she opened up to me and confessed some deep feelings which she had for me. She explained how overjoyed she was that I was a part in her life and listed all the charachteristics about me which impressed her. She was seriously interested in getting to know me better. That night we went out to dinner then my house. I dropped her off at her house at 5:00AM but she refused to get out of my car until 7:00AM. We were making out all night and morning and in between we would share our feelings or talk about our expectations for each other. Everything seemed to go perfect until minutes before getting out of my car I confessed to her my real profession; I tell most people that I am a school teacher when in reality I am a U.S. Federal Agent –law enforcement. Initially she showed no reaction or surprise other than her reply “that’s why you are so educated and clean cut!” It didn’t seem to bother her at the time.
The next day I get a long text by her stating to the effect that on the prior night she got very drunk and acted inappropriate. She “apologized for misleading me and asked me not to hold hard feelings against her but she couldn’t continue” to see me. I was very surprised, shocked and confused. Had I done anything? How could she say something to that degree? Especially after everything she had confessed to me on the prior night stating how much I was growing on her and how happy she was with me. As for the drinking, on our last date she only had 2 beers in the time span of 9 hours. She wasn’t slurring and she walked straight, held coherent long thoughtful conversations and did not smell like alcohol, etc.
I then called a trusted friend who introduced me to her and after explaining the above to him he confessed to me a little secret. Apparently the girl that I was seeing led a double life. All of her positive attributes contradicted with a dark side dominated and driven by drugs and alcohol abuse. She didn’t have a driver’s license due to two D.U.I.’s and was currently undergoing A.A. Stronger was her drug addiction and her association with those who share the vice. Once she became aware that I was a federal agent she became terrified and decided to come up with any excuse to eliminate me. I am shocked that she chose drugs and alcohol over me. At the same time I know that it is best that I have no association with her and I have stayed away from her but it still hurts. This is a no win situation which can destroy me.

Comments for Drugs and alcohol were more important than me

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Jul 09, 2013
You got lucky.
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry for your heart ache. Thinking you have finally found the only you want to be with. Then grieving for that idea. I understand. You were lucky though. She could have hidden this drug addiction from you for a long time. Sucked you in, lied to you for years or even gotten pregnant. You should be happy. Really. I'm not trying to be cold. It sounds to me you don't date much. Easily fall in love. So do I. But you need to see this as a good thing. Be happy she dumbed you. God gave you a high five. And saved you from a really heart ache. I hope you don't let this deter you for very long. Get back out there and find someone who can really love u back.

Jul 08, 2013
Drugs and alcohol were more important than me.
by: Doreen U.K.

NIN I don't think my reply went through so will attempt another one.
This girl kept her drug habit away from you because this lifestyle is not something one wants other people to know about. There is an element of secrecy that comes with this lifestyle choice. You were touched by this girl and wanted to perhaps take the relationship further and so you now feel badly let down. You were touched by the human level up close of the destructive elements of what this girl was doing to her body but yet powerless to help her because she didn't want to be helped. She actually enjoyed the way she lived and her drug habit. You couldn't understand how someone could destroy their body with drugs. Your line of work as a law enforcement officer is both challenging and difficult by what you have to deal with on a daily basis. My nephew was 30yrs. On medication for depression which had side effects of suicidal feelings. My nephew would take himself up to tall buildings and shout down "Somebody Please help me." He did this many times and then gave up and threw himself in front of an express train 7 yrs. ago and changed our world forever. Our lives became fractured. this is an experience from the other side of the tracks with drugs supposed to help one get through depression. I believe in God and He is the answer to DRUGS addiction. But again the person needs to want TO CHANGE. Only then can they be helped but it is an uphill struggle. Look at all the Celebrities who have lost the battle with drugs. You have been touched deeply by what you don't understand but want to understand through the eyes of one who chooses this lifestyle. I feel that you have been affected deeply. It is a confusing world. But I guess you are making a difference each day to someone's life. You will find Love again. But you need someone who walks with Integrity and in a mutually loving and giving relationship. Changing our FOCUS is one way of coping with grief. Best wishes.

Jul 08, 2013
Drugs and alcohol were more important than me.
by: Doreen U.K.

NIN I am so glad that you weren't having a tantrum but your post came across this way with a loaded statement "How could she love drugs more than me?" Being a drug addict one is ILL. they lose all sense of self and others which is why this girl is not for you. Change your FOCUS and you will recover quicker from your grief and loss of this girl. Unfortunately a drug habit changes a person's personality and you would have had to carry more responsibility than one needs and perhaps carry a burden you don't need. Life is tough enough without adding to life's trials. I guess in your line of work as a law enforcement officer you see the raw reality of what drug addiction does to a person and their families. Drugs is the scourge of the earth and ruins lives and families. There is not much you can do that this girl was not willing or want to give up drugs for Love. Some people feel they can have both. If a person is not willing to be helped then you can't force them against their WILL. You can only work with as they say SOFT PLIABLE CLAY. Perhaps in your line of work you have to keep a level of anonymity? I don't know? this can be off putting to some women whilst others can be turned on by a LAW MAN. Best you can do is live your life with INTEGRITY and someone is sure to be attracted to You. You will find love again but Perhaps you were INFATUATED with this girl because as you say she was DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Not wrong. But make sure that the character is matched to yours. I was married to a drop dead gorgeous man inside and out, and he lost his life to cancer 14 months ago. I also live across the pond in England where our drug culture is not on a vast scale as America but nevertheless catching up. We are a small country. I wish you all the best in life and hope you find LOVE AND HAPPINESS in LIFE. BEST WISHES.

Jul 07, 2013
by: NIN


Thanks for your response.

However I would like to clearify something. The beautiful girl I wrote about never told me anything about her drug problem nor is she seeking rehab/reform. She likes her drug world and confessed to her friend that she wouldn't change her habits for anyone. She never gave me chance after the third date because she feared trouble due to my career.

I never had a tantrum, I just don't understand the power of drugs and addiction. Furthermore, those who have dealt with significant others who abused drugs all state that it is a waste of time to help someone reform from drug addiction, unless the abuser really wants to reform. The reform has to come from within not from an outside source like myself.

I am in law enforcement and I grieve everyday for the friends and family who have a loved one who suffers from drug addiction. I deal with issue on a very different level. Never had I seen it up close where it affected my heart and I was very touched by it. I feel bad for her family and moreover for her. She has no appreciation for her life.

Jul 07, 2013
by: Judith in California

Well Nin, you learned that beauty is only skin deep. But men are so drawn to a woman who has nothing more to offer than her looks. She did you a favor. Go find someone who is impressed with you and your position. And begin your relationship by being honest from the start by being truthful about your line of work. You just didn't care enough about this woman enough to invest your time in her to help her and to reassure her you weren't there to harm her in any way. And you didn't invest the time to ask about her in order to find out what led her to her poor choices and to help her.

Most of us on this site have lost our mates forever and are in heartbreaking grief and you come on here with this drivel.

Jul 07, 2013
Drugs and alcohol were more important than me.
by: Doreen U.K.

NIN I saw your reply in another post and so will attempt to respect you with a reply despite your grief being a different sort.
You did nothing wrong to want a relationship with this girl. Some people can be put off by the strong arm of the law and feel somewhat uncomfortable with someone who acts and lives with Integrity when she has a chequered past with drugs and alcohol. Perhaps your training for your job precludes you somewhat from seeing the reality of your situation. YOU ARE HURT. You perhaps wanted this relationship to work. Ask yourself the question. Would this relationship have worked? Or did you have a lucky escape because she walked away, for whatever reason. You don't seem to have a clear understanding of addiction otherwise you wouldn't have stated that this girl chose drugs and alcohol above you. Perhaps this girl saw a lack of understanding in you towards her addiction with you being SELF ABSORBED. If I read between the lines I could almost feel you having a tantrum. "How could she not love me more?" "I have the job that would turn any girl on but she chose her other lifestyle." "How could she leave me so wounded?" This tells me that you are in love with yourself, job, and the prestige it offers and maybe you could pull any girl. Forgive me if I am wrong. But I would hate to see you lose out on real love because of your attitude towards yourself. We all need a reality check sometime if only to keep us grounded. Good luck with job, love and life.

Jul 06, 2013
by: Someone who cares for his loved one

I think you posted on the wrong site? This is Recovering From Grief, not Love Connection. I lost my wife to a 2 year battle with stage 4 triple negitive metastatic breast cancer. If i found out when we met she had a drug/alcohol problem i would have helped in anyway i could. You don't deserve someone with problems, your to worried about yourself. Good luck in Life

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