Dumped after 24years of marriage

by G Yates
(London, UK)

I suspected over a year ago that something was not right in our marriage. My wife stopped having sex with me and never touched me in bed. I saw her using her mobile and holding it in a way that I couldn't see what/ who she was looking at. Whenever I tried to kiss her she always turned away, and finally she told me she didn't want to kiss me and that we should split up. We have two daughters, one 22 and the other 13.
I am now totally shattered. I had to be put on sleeping pills and anti-depressants. I am nearly always next to tears, and I have no-one to turn to. I am very lonely and feel very alone. I cannot understand how she can be so callous and devious. I am still very much in love with her but she has changed totally.
I stuck with her through thick and thin and was always a good and reliable father and husband, and I felt proud of that.
I tried to speak with her about it but she just clams up and says only that she "can't go back!". I've concluded that she never really loved me all these years, and just used me as a stop gap until she was ready to go back to her first love ...who I caught her telling that she will always love him.
I'm torn between hating her and loving her.
The ironic thing is that another woman loves me dearly and is desperate for me to be with her. But I dont love her.
I would dearly appreciate an overview from your readers, and any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. BY THE WAY she is 48 and I am a very fit and youngish 69. I am a pro musician.
Thank you

Comments for Dumped after 24years of marriage

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Nov 07, 2014
Dumped after 24 years of marriage
by: Doreen UK

G Yates, It is so easy to focus on your hurt and think that your wife never loved you. If she didn't love you then she would have left sooner. You both must have done something right.
It is so easy to stop nurturing a marriage and just let it take care of itself.
Only YOU, would be able to judge from the climate of your marriage whether your wife was happy, and up to what point in the marriage did it all go wrong.
It is never the fault of one person. You need to evaluate your own contribution to the break up of your marriage. Perhaps you just didn't meet your wife's needs. As simple as that and she saw in her first love what she missed. Saying this, people change and her first love may have changed also and not be the person she thought he was.
It takes a lot of Love and WISDOM to make a marriage work.
Getting into a new relationship is not the answer. You need to focus on the needs of your young daughter, not forgetting your 22yrs old who will still need the input and love of her father. Take the focus off your hurt and put it on your 13yrs. old and nurture her till it is time for her to move on with her life. You can still have a friendship with any woman, but don't let it dominate your life to the point you neglect the needs of your young daughter. It is possible to have both and be happy. It depends on your FOCUS.

Nov 06, 2014
Dumped after 24 years of marriage
by: Josette

Breakups are never easy. A good question to ask is what do you really want and feel you deserve?

Grieving the loss of a partner through breakups or death is very painful. Denying the emotions, attemping to barter a way back into someone's life can set one up for more disappointment.

Reconsider jumping into new relationships before grieving the end of a current relationship.

Spend quite time with your inner man, trusting your heart. Keep in mind everything has a gestation period - a beginning, middle and end. Know, this too will end, may or may not be the way we want, but be reassured, your next step to a new start will follow.

Blessings,

J
-----------------------------

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 06, 2014
Dumped
by: judith in California

C Yates
Yes, it's heartbreakng to know someone has just dumped you after 24 years of marriage. It's just terrible what a person acan do to another.
May I suggest that you give yourself time to understand just what went so wrong after 24 ears. There are two sides to every story and then there is the truth. While people can be blindsided they had to have seen some things that, when looking back, you know just wasn't good between you two. You have no business beginning another relationship with anyone until you come to terms with it all. Another woman showing you attention whle you are mrried speaks of her character. Maybe your wife saw this as a threat? Just throwing it out their. Ask your wife to explain why she left you and to be honest becasue it will help you in the future. Tell her to be as blunt as she can and you just listen. Most women leave a marriage when she feels taken for granted or underappreciated or is abused in some way either emotionally or physically.
The most you can do is still be a good father to your children and love them past this. The 22 year old may not need what the 13 year old needs but they do need you to be strong and unbending whenit comes to their care.

Please let us know what happens.
----------------------

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 05, 2014
Dumped after 24 years of marriage
by: Doreen UK

G Yates this is a very sad and familiar account of how texting is forming a habit of connection and addiction to so many people caught up in this cycle and another way of connecting with others that is often the start of the breakup of many relationships.
This form of communicating causes a rush of adrenalin and excitement that can get out of hand and leave many partners wounded. You are a casualty of such games that become all too often reality and the beginning of the end of many marriages/relationships.
You say that some other woman loves you but you don't love her. You couldn't possibly love her whilst you still love your wife. Who doesn't love you in the same way you love her. You need to give yourself time to grieve your loss of your wife from your life. At the same time you could form a friendship/companionship with this woman as a way of breaking the loneliness you face. You won't know if you don't try to form friendships that may bring you a better future from where you are at just now, and much happiness. You owe it to yourself to nurture your needs.

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