"Eleven Weeks Without You"

by Donna

Today is eleven weeks without my heart, my life, my soulmate. Bobby passed away on 12/9/10 from complications from pancreatitis. Watching him pass from this world & leaving me was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. He was only 43 years old and lived every day of his life to the fullest. His smile and the sparkle in his eyes never failed to brighten everyone's day. For one so young, he was so talented & knew how to do everything (cook, carpenter work, electrical, etc.); he could do it all. His love for life, family, and numerous friends was amazing. He was the type of person you just loved being around. He showed me what true happiness felt like and never failed to show me every day how much he loved me. My second husband had died in an automobile accident in 2005. Bobby and I married in 2007. We bought a house together and had so much fun having parties on the holidays or just because we wanted to have one so all the family & friends could get together. We thought we had all the time in the world to be together. We were planning on growing old together and being one of those couples who have been married for 40 or 50 years still holding hands more in love than ever. We had more happiness in the 3-1/2 years we had together than some people ever have in their lives. Now I feel like I am a walking zombie going through the motions of what is suppose to be life. People keep telling me that I will find love again since I'm only 46. I don't want anyone else but my Bobby. My family tell me how strong I am to have been widowed twice in 5-1/2 years. I am NOT strong. I just want to be with him. I feel such anger at life, God, the doctors, - everything and everyone that had anything to do with his being taken away from me. It isn't getting any easier; all I feel like doing is being at our home - crying,remembering all the wonderful times we had together, and wishing I was with him. As a song says, it only hurts when I breathe. Bobby, I miss you and will love you always & forever.

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Feb 28, 2011
"Eleven Weeks without you"
by: Donna

Thanks for your comments and words of encouragement. As someone has stated on here before, we are all members of a group we did not ask to be in and know the grief of losing our loved ones. I found this site not long after Bobby passed away and have checked in almost daily, sometimes several times a day. I would start to write about losing the love of my life & just couldn't for all the tears. I finally was able to write this last week. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers and know that I in turn am praying for each of you too. One breath, one step, one day at a time.....

Feb 25, 2011
for Donna
by: Mari

Donna, we understand and are here for you. It is very hard to handle the memories at this point. God knows how you feel so give your sorrow over to him. I hope you have people to talk to, friends and family.
It is only natural what you feel and the pain will ease eventually. You have suffered a huge loss.
It is 15 months since I lost my sweetheart and yesterday the strangest thing happened. I was cleaning and I said,''My sweetheart is due to come home.'' My grandaughter said,''What?''I realized that I was living in the past for a few minutes. not good but I suppose memories resurface.
If only it were so.
I am constantly asking God to help me with the grief. He does. It comes and it goes.
I am at the point where I can laugh at things he used to say.It is a strange thing that when I paint or do any kind of decorating I feel his presence because he used to admire whatever I did.The grandchildren, esp the 12 yr old misses him.
I cry at night because he isn't with me. I get my Bible and read the promises in the book of Corinthians. I remember what Pastor Horacio said,''To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.''Jesus was victorious over death. We will see out loved ones again.
I start my new job Monday and will still work here. I will just take a deep breath and keep going. I will make time to go see my new great grandaughter Aubree.Aubree has brought much joy in the midst of sorrow. In fact she laughed out loud for the first time the other night and for her great grandma.She is like a little angel.
We are here for you Donna, anytime. You are loved and cared about. We are all in this together. Take care of yourself. Keep posting. It helps to get your feelings out.

Feb 25, 2011
We wuz cheated!


When Paul first died I felt so incredibly cheated. We were supposed to grow old together!
I imagined him flirting with me when we were old, smacking me on the butt being frisky old and grey.
When I saw old people in walmart holding hands I would get sooooo angry, jealous and envious.

Thankfully that eventually passes and the old couples now make me smile, happy for them instead of envious and angry.

But I sure know what you mean. It is so early in grief for you, just hang on tight it's going to be a bumpy ride. And stop by here as often as you can and live our motto: One breath one step at a time.

Feb 24, 2011
Unbearable Pain
by: TrishJ

My husband died on December 3, 2010 ~ just 6 days before Bobby. Joe took a huge piece of me that day. I know my life will never be the same. I miss him so much my heart feels like it will break most days. We really had a wonderful life together. Nobody will ever be able to replace him in my life.

I too go through the motions ~ hoping tomorrow will be better. It's not. I know I have to be patient. The numbness has now turned to pain. The pain is almost unbearable.
Please know that we are all with you in your grief and here for you. We all feel the terrible pain, fear and loneliness.

Hoping for brighter days for us both.

Feb 24, 2011
11 weeks I am right there with you at 7 weeks
by: amy

my boyfriend died 1.3.11 after a brutal battle with leukemia. I have gone from relief that he was out of pain-to numb-to today where I am beside myself.

I spent a month honoring his memory reaching out to people from his past-planning an amazing service. Then I was no longer the center of attention-forced to face the reality of what is left of my life. Then today I turned a corner and have lapsed into a level of grief where I can barely walk.

I work from home alone so I make sure to go out at least once a day. Tonight I decided to go have something good to eat. Without thinking I ended up at the raw bar we went the first time we went out after reconnecting after a 25 year gap. I was walking in on the dock and remembered I got my shoe stuck in the wooden planks and he had to catch my fall. I thought I was going to throw up-I wanted to leave but I was too weak. I saw all these couples and never felt so alone in my life-I had some soup and tried to get out of there as soon as possible. I got to the car and did something I rarely do-cry. I know that is what I am supposed to do, I know I am right on track as far as the grief process but I really do not know how i will make it day to day. I have a shrink a therapist, support groups and a support network but it doesn't feel like enough. I took a bath and started screaming please come back or please come get me. He has come to me in my sleep as well as to others so that I know he is ok and that he wants me to be ok. I read everything I can get my hands on about life after death, the relief lasts about 45 seconds. Anyway you are not alone and we will find a new normal I just don't think it can come fast enough.

Feb 24, 2011
I am walking there, too
by: Anonymous

Donna, my heart is aching for you, dear one. Life has asked you to bear a burden greater than most women will ever conceive. My Joe is gone 6 months now, but your words are my words... I just want to be with him; there will be no other; we experienced more love and life in 35 years than anyone could conceive. For you and Bobby, it was 3 1/2. Just know there is another woman walking in zombie formation out in the desert of Arizona who is taking the words of Jesus to heart as best she can... "Today is all I have."

God has put you on my heart today, Donna, to lift you in prayer and cry with you from afar. The pain is excruciating and the "others" have no clue. But I care.

Janet, Arizona

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