Eleven years ago, at the age of 38 my sister almost perished in a house fire.
(Alberta, Canada )
She had 3rd degree burns to 85% of her body. She was unrecognizable- at the hospital she was kept in a sterile room for two and a half months , until she died.
She was in a comatose state that whole time. To visit her I had to scrub like a doctor preparing for surgery- and wear all doctor clothing. Was surreal . Like a movie.
I carry guilt and shame for not expressing any emotion at her funeral. I moved to a different city and keep little contact with my other siblings and mother.
I lost my personality and the direction of my life.
I am absolutely lost. I am now 44 years old and have not genuinely smiled in 11 years. I have been robbing my own kids of happiness . Completely lost of personality and direction .
Can I ever move on. I refuse to take meds. Had a bad experience with Zoloft . So I suffer- social anxiety, anger , basically feel detached from society. Can't write anymore . Too much apathy