Elise

by Elise
(Rotherham U.K.)

I lost my beloved dad 7 weeks ago. It is 7 weeks ago today that I last saw him, touched him, talked to him and kissed him. I have never gone this long without seeing my Dad and I am finding his loss so, so very hard.

My Dad was a wonderful and proud man. He had chest pains for months and eventually went to see the Drs. after weeks of nagging from all of us. He was a heavy smoker so we were all worried about his lungs. His X-Ray was clear, but there were a few problems with his heart, which "could be sorted" they said.

Dad would never tell any of us just how poorly he was. Perhaps he didn't want to believe it himself. It didn't help that the Drs. only concentrated on lowering his blood pressure rather than checking his heart.

His poor heart finally gave up in the early hours of Sunday 28th March, just over 24 hours since I last saw him. I swear that my Dad woke me to tell me that I needed to be there for my Mum who was alone in the hospital, not knowing what had happened. She had been woken by the paramedics asking if anyone else was in the house. Dad had dialed 999 himself and then sat patiently waiting for the ambulance. The last words he ever spoke were to a complete stranger.

I got by the first few weeks on shock and through dealing with all the arrangements. I have also been obsessed with looking after my Mum who has been left devastated, as are my husband, sister, niece, brother and my darling children who adored their Ganks!

Now I just miss him, and can't accept that I will never see him again, hear his laugh or cuddle that big, strong and wonderful man who was always, always there for me!

I feel that I have lost my identity. Part of me has gone. I am so like him in so many ways, and he may have been difficult to understand, but because I am so like him, I 'got' him and he 'got' me.

I am worried about the future. I am scared of now losing my Mum, and everyone close to me. I now know Death is inevitable and can happen at absolute any time! Death is something that you take for granted and don't expect, even though you know it happens. You don't think it will happen to you!

My Dad was only 60! He hated getting old, and he hated the fact that he couldn't do the things he loved anymore. I know he is at peace, but we are all left in pieces trying to come to terms with this enormous and shocking loss. I wish I could see him just for 1 more minute... I would never, ever let him go!