emotinally dumped and devastated

by Laura
(Long Island , NY)

my husband of 33 years has decided to stop coming home and doesn't tell me where he has been. Recently he has been so distant. He blames me for not being emotionally engaged with him.He says that he loves me but does not spend time with me or make love any more either. He says that it has been going on for years. We have had our ups and downs but i really believed that he was my best friend and my lover. Since he has disengaged i cant stop crying and i feel like a wreck. He still lives at the house but is so distant . I find my self waiting for him and it makes me sick .He strings me along to take care of his aunt, business fiances and every thing else. i have gone above and beyond in this relationship.Our children are all adults why is this happening to me?

Comments for emotinally dumped and devastated

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Jul 03, 2013
Feel for you
by: KDC

Laura, I am in the same boat, and I think it's sinking! They say we go through menopause......what is the official title for men.... Mid-life crisis? Get over it already! Know that your pain and saddness is genuine! I know it is easier said than done...because everyone tells me this and I don't believe it but grieve, cry, get angry and ask WHY! You deserve better!!! All we do for them, I hope someday they feel a little of the pain we are going through....they will never believe how it hurts!

Jul 01, 2013
emotionally dumped and devastated
by: Doreen U.K.

Laura I like the other 2 comments one from Judith and also anonymous.
I could also echo what they are saying but wanted to give you a different perspective on this. But both other comments are spot on. Seeing a counsellor often will just give you the support you need to make the break easier on you. Best wishes.

Jul 01, 2013
emotionally dumped and devastated
by: Doreen U.K.

Laura this is happening to you because you are letting it. You are what counsellors see as being an "ENABLER". By continuing this service you are allowing it to continue. You need to be assertive and take back control of your life. Your husband is gaining his strength from your support with his business and aunt. You are his crutch. Support him in other ways. You are crying because you are facing a breakdown in relationship and security. Best go and see a counsellor if only to support you through this crisis so you can see clearly what your next move should be. Your husband could also be depressed and so a visit to the doctors should eliminate this. If you don't get the co-operation you need you cannot continue a relationship as it is soul destroying. In later life a lot of men become unhappy with how life is panning out and often this could spring from problems at work Unless he faces what is going on then nothing will change. You need to make some changes for yourself in a positive way and your whole attitude to the problem will become easier whilst you tackle other issues with your husband. I have had experience of a little of what you are going through. My husband was tired from working for over 40yrs. with great changes and difficulties in the workplace and so he became passive and silent. His internal world was rocked. He then became ill with ENCEPHALITIS and then MESOTHELIOMA. Two of the worst illnesses. the Mesothelioma took his life from me 14 months ago. Good thing to also check out if your husband is ill in any way. When a man behaves this way the first thing a wife is going to think is. "Is he having an affair?" Either way you need answers. Often some men get addicted to pornography and so disengage and act up and cause distance in the family. Something is going on and needs to be challenged. I feel sad for where you are at in your life and what you are going through. The immense stress and anxiety this must cause you will affect your health and you need to prevent depression setting in. Please write back and keep us updated. Any support I can give you I will try my best.

Jul 01, 2013
Dear Laura,
by: Pat in Missouri

I am soooo sorry you have to go through this. It is time for you to admit your marriage is no longer healthy for you and your husband is no longer the man you married. It's obvious he is having an affair. I know this is very difficult to admit and deal with, but if you file for a divorce, you will have the upper hand in the negotiations, especially since it is obvious he is causing you so much pain. You can get your attorney to make him pay all the legal fees, since he is the one who is violating the marriage vows. I went through a divorce, myself, in the 1980's. It was the most difficult thing I had ever had to do up until that time, but it also saved my life.

Look at your title: "emotionally dumped and devastated." You are clearly feeling miserable. It's time to take control of yourself and remember you do not deserve what your husband is doing. He might be going through a mid-life crisis. Men have these too. I suggest you offer him the option of going for marital counseling. If he does not want to do that, tell him you are going to file for divorce. Then, go ahead and do it. As hard as it was for me to do that, it turned out to be a lifesaver.

You asked "why is the happening to me?" As long as you stay, it probably will not get any better. It's not happening to you, it is just happening. Face it head on and either move or make him move. You are the one who is feeling miserable so it's time to take steps to get out of that misery. Each step you take forward (forget the past, even yesterday's past; it's gone and cannot change)to help yourself, you will feel more empowered and learn how to live happily without this man who cannot seem to remember his wedding vows. If you get some personal counseling, that will also help boost your strength.

Laura, a divorce is not the end of the world, even though it will probably feel like it for awhile. It does feel like a death. Everything you you know and how you live will change, but you can do it. I am also lost in grief with having lost my fiance' to death in 2011, as well as my brother and my father. Your whole life flipflops, when you lose someone you have loved and built your whole life around for many years. Things will change. It will hurt for awhile, but, then, it will start to get better, when you no longer have to wonder where he is or what he is doing. The problem is his, not yours. Step up to the plate and move on. We are women and we are stronger than men. Go for it, girl!!!! You will feel so much better. It won't happen overnight, but you will find a new and happier life again.

I send you many hugs and blessings. Let me know how you are doing. Pat

Jun 30, 2013
Be Quick
by: Judith in California

LAURA, my dear I hate to break it to you but he is seeing someone else. AND what he is doing is abusive emtionally to you. Don't sit back waitng for him to make the decision about teh rest of YOUR Life. You decide you will not tolerate his disrespect. He'll deny he's seeing someone else at first..they all do but if you ask him " who is she" he'll be surprised you know it. He will treat you the way he does because you have showed him he can . I know it hurts but you have to get tough and tell him you will no longer tolerate his mistretment of you and start separation proceedings. The first offense is defense. OF course he'll blame you for everything to justify his actions and when it comes down to it....there is no justification for what he is doing other than he wants to. He is not respecting the vows you once took.

Be smart and be quick.

Jun 30, 2013
by: Anonymous

.i hope that you will show him that you can do good with or without him. Don't let him see the independence you are having to establish. Make your agenda for you and don't clue him into it without him asking for it. I know, I've been there. I'm the man. He might feel like you depend on him too much. Let him do his thing, and you do yours. He will come around when he sees that his girl is fine on her own. Beleive me.

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