Empty and Lost
3 mos ago, I lost my Mom. I am 38 years old. She has been sick pretty much all my life with diabetes. This past May she had to go on dialysis. She came home in June and was doing great. In August, she got put back in the hospital on a Tuesday. Her BP was running low and she had other complicated problems. That Friday night, She asked me and the aide to put her in the chair by her bed. When we moved her she screamed and grabbed her leg. A few seconds later she was fine and we started to move her again when she fell backwards and coded. It was a blood clot. That next morning at 2 am, we were told that she had brain damage and the only thing keeping her alive was the vent. She had a living will so that next day My Mom went to be with the Lord @ 104 pm--August 18th. At first, I was like Mom is healed and in no more pain. For the past ten years, she had pretty much been sick. I know she is better off. She was my best friend. I could talk to her about anything. Even when she was sick, she always went with me to dr appts and we would even go to out to eat sometimes. She lived with me and my sister. Me and My Dad worked out our work schedules so that someone would always be there with Mom. I don't regret taking care of her. Now, 3 mos later, I feel lost, empty, and heart broken. I miss her so much. Even though, I have my sister and Dad with me, it just isn't the same without Mom. I have several friends that have lost their Mom and know what I am going thru. Other ppl are telling me to get on with my life and some are even hateful about it. Every morning, I cry. Sometimes when I get home I cry. My sister and Dad are not grieving the way I am. But, I have always been very emotional. Some days I just want to be with her. I question why am I here and she is not. I know we should not question God, but I hope it is just human nature. My Dad and sister seemed to have gotten on with their lives, but I am trying. When Mom first died, I blamed myself for her death. Questioning myself thinking if I hadn't moved her maybe she would still be here. The last few months of my Mom's life, she was miserable and had given up. I later found out from my sister (she sat up with Mom at night) that Mom was praying for God to take her home. I am at the stage to where I don't want to be around anyone. I want to be alone. I am distancing myself from everyone including my family. I hope and pray that I can get on with my life and enjoy it because I know my Mom would not want me to live like this.