Empty and Lost

3 mos ago, I lost my Mom. I am 38 years old. She has been sick pretty much all my life with diabetes. This past May she had to go on dialysis. She came home in June and was doing great. In August, she got put back in the hospital on a Tuesday. Her BP was running low and she had other complicated problems. That Friday night, She asked me and the aide to put her in the chair by her bed. When we moved her she screamed and grabbed her leg. A few seconds later she was fine and we started to move her again when she fell backwards and coded. It was a blood clot. That next morning at 2 am, we were told that she had brain damage and the only thing keeping her alive was the vent. She had a living will so that next day My Mom went to be with the Lord @ 104 pm--August 18th. At first, I was like Mom is healed and in no more pain. For the past ten years, she had pretty much been sick. I know she is better off. She was my best friend. I could talk to her about anything. Even when she was sick, she always went with me to dr appts and we would even go to out to eat sometimes. She lived with me and my sister. Me and My Dad worked out our work schedules so that someone would always be there with Mom. I don't regret taking care of her. Now, 3 mos later, I feel lost, empty, and heart broken. I miss her so much. Even though, I have my sister and Dad with me, it just isn't the same without Mom. I have several friends that have lost their Mom and know what I am going thru. Other ppl are telling me to get on with my life and some are even hateful about it. Every morning, I cry. Sometimes when I get home I cry. My sister and Dad are not grieving the way I am. But, I have always been very emotional. Some days I just want to be with her. I question why am I here and she is not. I know we should not question God, but I hope it is just human nature. My Dad and sister seemed to have gotten on with their lives, but I am trying. When Mom first died, I blamed myself for her death. Questioning myself thinking if I hadn't moved her maybe she would still be here. The last few months of my Mom's life, she was miserable and had given up. I later found out from my sister (she sat up with Mom at night) that Mom was praying for God to take her home. I am at the stage to where I don't want to be around anyone. I want to be alone. I am distancing myself from everyone including my family. I hope and pray that I can get on with my life and enjoy it because I know my Mom would not want me to live like this.

Comments for Empty and Lost

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Aug 10, 2014
I know exactly how you feel
by: Anonymous

Reading your story I have to say your life sounds like mine. Lost my mom on June 8, 2014 suddenly. 37yrs Diabetic, kidney failure, heart problems etc a normal day turned for the worse for me that evening, was not expected. Family moving on and I'm left alone grieving, to move on to keep being a mother to my kids and move on with by life. A lot easier said than done for some people. I too have begun to shut out the world cause no one just understands :( I am lost an lonely too

Dec 21, 2012
Dear Empty & Lost
by: RITA

I am so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom on November 20, 2012 and I miss her terribly. I understand your feelings of guilt about moving your mom but know that you were trying to help her and that no one can control death. We all have a time to go and those who are left behind are the ones hurting.

I wondered more than once why I did not see the signs of my mother's sickness. I was so angry with myself for working when she was sick. I look back and think I should have taken more time off to be with her.....that maybe I could have helped her to heal and not die. Whatever I think in my mind is just that and there is nothing I could have done to save her. I, like you, cry a lot.

What has helped me is to reach out to others. I sought out friends who will allow me to talk about my mother to them. They listen and that is what I need. I also write about her and that helps too. I just want to be sure I remember everything about her and I want my kids and (future) grandkids to know her through my writings. I went to the store tonight and bought beautiful picture frames to put her pictures in. I want to encourage you to find peace in the ways that are best for you. Just know you are not alone. Many blessings to you.

Nov 16, 2012
Empty and Lost
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your mother. don't worry too much if you are wanting to be on your own and distancing yourself from family. This is normal. I felt the same way. I am often in my own world pondering and grieving and the only downside of this is that when I am in the company of people I am often subdued and not relating like I want to. something happened to us to change us into the people we are now. I can't feel guilty about this. I didn't plan to be this way. I just am and I am waiting patiently for things to change. No ammount of positive thinking or trying to be busy can stop me from feeling isolated and lonely and sad.
You must do what you feel is right for you and don't let people fit you into their mould of how you should be moving forward. This is just their perspective from people who don't have a clue what it feels like to be all alone with your sorrow. If it is any consolation to you. I also feel Empty and Lost.

Nov 16, 2012
When I was a boy.
by: Anonymous

I have lived without my mother for over twenty-five years. It still hurts. Though not like before, and not all of the time.

Please don't shut yourself off from the world. I imagine your mother would be very upset to know that you are slipping into depression.

It can also become a lifestyle if you don't snap out of it sooner than later. Trust me on this.

I used my mother's death as a crutch for many years for my life. Closing myself off more and more, until there was no one left to feel sorry for me.

Now I find it very difficult to relate to happy people, and I know most of it started way back in 1986. Really! How long is long enough?

Brenda (my mother) would not approve! She had big dreams for her son. And while not all sons can be stars, they can at least try!

So stop that skipping record in your head. You are not to blame.

And don't sleep too much. Even if your mother is in your dreams. Life is about the dreams we have when we are awake.

You Can Do It,

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