Empty and Meaningless

by David
(Australia)


On November 5, 2012 my dear wife and best friend Melissa, passed away after a 18 month long fight against Liver disease. We have been happily married for 9 years but we have been together for 23 years. The day we first met was only a few days before her 16th birthday and we have been together ever since. On December 1st, 2012 Melissa would have been 39 years old.

It was only 7 weeks ago, today, that Melissa passed away in my loving arms, but it feels like an eternity. Since that terrible day, everything in my life has become Empty and Meaningless.

I have always been very motivated and productive but now I have no drive to do anything at all. I am usually patient and compassionate but now find I am impatient and short tempered. I have plenty of family and good friends for support, yet I feel so alone. I don't feel like me anymore.

I know I will get through this long journey (and I have a long way to go) eventually and build a new life for myself but it will never be the same. It's heart breaking to know that the one thing you want most in this world, that you actually had, you can never have again.

Comments for Empty and Meaningless

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Mar 10, 2013
Empty & Meaningless
by: David

Hi Kathy, I am sorry to hear of your loss and thank you for your reply. It sounds like your Dave and my Melissa had quite similar final days. Melissa spent her last 11 weeks in hospital and when we were given the horrible news that there was no more they could do we were in the process of getting our house ready for her to come home, which she wanted desperately. Unfortunately she slipped into a coma before we could get her home so she had to stay at the hospital for her final days. I now know what that rattle sounds like and a few other things that I won't go into here and I really wish I didn't.

I now either spend my days crying or walking around numb getting nothing done.

It makes me very sad that we never got the gift of children together. We had been trying for a few years before Melissa got sick but it was not to be.

Now I am basically alone with only Melissa's Siberian Husky 'Kiska' for company. I hope your new puppy can bring a little joy into your life Kathy. I have some family and friends around that mean well but most of them just don't get it.

I don't know how to make it better for you or me or anyone else here, but I know we must just keep on walking.

Best wishes

Mar 06, 2013
Lost my soul mate 5 Nov 12 Also
by: Kathy

Hi Dave, thank you for your comments to me. My husband, ironically named Dave, died at home with me sleeping next to him on the floor 5 Nov 12 . Hospice came at 1200 am and said he had the death rattle in lung, so it wouldn't be long. He had been out of it for 2 weeks before that. I took care of him day and night, he wanted no more hospitals and wanted to die at home. People tell me I gave him his wish, but I didn't want him to die at all. He was suffering from mesothelioma,in the lung and at the end he suffered so bad and told me he did not want to live like this. We both were always on the go, retired from military in 1998, kids grown and it was our time. We also met at 16, so we have been together most of our lives. I feel I lost half of me. I cry still every night, night is the worst. I try so hard to carry on, I retired to stay home and care for him, so now I have to re-invent my life and I am so scared and don't want to do anything without him. I get anxiety even when I go out, but I have a house and kids that depend on me. I used to never stop and love people and always doing something, just like Dave. I just walk in circles, can't remember what I'm doing, can't find or do simple things. Lonely too. I know you are feeling the same and so are many other people, but it doesn't make it easier for me and I don't want pity. Lost my life. Hang in there too and hope you can at least do one thing a day, that is what I do. God Bless I think of you since you lost your wife same day, and your name is Dave too. I am reading all these books, not helping, but I did just by a puppy. St Charles Cavalier. That will keep my mind busy. Keep in touch

Mar 04, 2013
Empty and Meaningless
by: David

Well it is 4 months today since I lost my beautiful wife and I feel more lost and alone than ever. I miss her so much.

I have spent 4 of the last 7 weeks away traveling on various trips which seems to allow me to escape the situation for a little while, until I start to head for home again and then I spend most of the last 2 days of the trip crying my way home because I know there is nobody there to share my adventures with.

When I am at home I will spend every 2nd day crying, I can't stand to be around people, I have absolutely no patience and I can be very snappy and angry. These are all not normal ways for me to be. I don't like to be this way but I really don't care about anything at the moment.

I really hope to feel some form of relief soon as it is very tiring to be like this all the time.

The one lesson I have learnt in the last couple of months is to "just keep on walking"
If we keep walking we will get somewhere eventually.

Dec 24, 2012
Empty and Meaningless
by: David

Thank you all, for your kind thoughts.

It's been 7 weeks today since my dear Melissa left this world. It feels like an eternity.

Well it's now the evening of Christmas Eve and I am not looking forward to the next few days and I am sure most of you are feeling the same. This will be my first Christmas without my beautiful Melissa.

We normally celebrate Christmas twice. First on Christmas day with Melissa's family and then again on Boxing day with my family. This year though it won't be a celebration because there is one vital ingredient missing. I am still doing the two Christmas's for the sake of the children involved.

This last week I went away for a couple of days riding my motorbike which I have not had the opportunity to do much for the last couple of years while dealing with my wife's illness. The first day was relatively good but coming home on the second day all I could think of was that Melissa would not be there for me to share my adventures with.

I feel this way most days since she left. I find myself blab blab blabbing to people about stuff I would normally talk to Melissa about but it's just not doing it for me. I have plenty of supportive people around but it's just not the same as talking to Melissa. It's not even close.
= Empty and Meaningless

I wish you all to have the strength to endure this Christmas season without the person we would most like to spend it with.


David

Dec 17, 2012
Stay Strong
by: Tom

David,
I feel your pain. On July 23rd of 2010 I lost my wife. She was 37. It has been over 2 years for me. The stages of grief are always with you but like you said we force the new normal. I still have days that nothning seems to go right and family that does not want to talk very much about the past. Keep your wives memory alive by talking about her,looking at pictures. The first year for me was like a fog but it does get a little easier. Please come to this site often because we are all here to help each other. You will make new friends and you can say whatever comes to mind because we have all said the same things from time to time. Take care and prayers are heading to you and your family

Dec 17, 2012
Empty and Meaningless
by: David

RP, Thank you for your kind thoughts. Very sorry to hear of your loss too. I know what you mean, it just seems so so wrong and unfair.
My thoughts and best wishes to you and your children.

Doreen UK, Thank you for your kind thoughts too.
I can relate to what you have shared as Melissa's mother is in a similar situation to you and has now lost her daughter too(and her only chance to have grandchildren.(long story))

In January 2011 Melissa's father passed away from bowel cancer after spending the first few years of their retirement helping Mel's mum battle and beat breast cancer.

Thankfully Melissa's mum only lives 5 minutes away from me so I am able to go over there most evenings for dinner which I think helps both of us in dealing with this horrible situation we now find ourselves in. This seems to be the only thing I am able to do reliably at the moment.

My thoughts and best wishes to you and your family too.

It's now 4.00am here and I have not yet been able to get to sleep.

May we all find the strength to build a new form of happiness for ourselves with the happy memories of our lost loved ones and the help of each other and this wonderful website.

Regards
David

Dec 17, 2012
David
by: Anonymous

David, it always touches my heart for men to be so in love with their wives and to speak so lovingly about them. You were a very goodlooking couple.

You will get through this but will not be the same ever again. I'm 2 years and 3 months into my loss and I still have my days to where I miss him so much it aches. It's most difficult to loose someone after so many years togethere. We just don't get over it. We just learn to move on each day and try to make the best of it until we can be with them again.

May God help you find the strength to get to the peaceful and acceptance side of this horrible roller coaster road of grief.

Dec 17, 2012
Empty and Meaningless
by: Anonymous

Hello David,

All my sympathy for the loss of Melissa. What you are feeling, as terrible as it is, is completely natural. It's really important that you actually "feel" your emotions as they arise: grief, anger, heartbreak. If you try to bottle them up and/or ignore them now, they will come back harder and even worse down the line. Sorry if I sound like one of Job's comforters, but I know this from what I'm going through which, while not the same, is similar and results in the identical emotional responses.

Take full advantage of all the support you're surrounded with now. Also learn to live with just yourself again. This is very important. You are no more, no less than you were with Melissa. You may feel you've changed, but those changes are simply responses to the horrible time you're going through. Deep down, you're still the wonderful, caring man Melissa loved so much. It's really hard to know what to do with all that love you're left with now. Use it to build your strength and restore your life.

Try to find some small joy through this season. It could be something as small as a child's smile, a beautiful day or a warm hug from a friend. Don't isolate yourself, that's very dangerous. But take your socializing very slowly. Surround yourself with SMALL groups of very close people, who love you dearly and empathize fully with what you're enduring.

This is my first Christmas essentially alone, too. But I'm taking things very slowly - small steps at a time.

Take good care of yourself. You'll be in my thoughts this season.

jenn

Dec 17, 2012
Empty and Meaningless
by: Doreen U.K.

David I am sorry for your loss of your beloved Melissa 7 weeks ago. You have it spot on. EMPTY & MEANINGLESS. That is what life is like for us who have lost a partner. I had been married for 44yrs. and lost my beloved Steve 7 months ago. It does feel like an eternity. I can't bear to think of the days ahead. I cannot look too far ahead otherwise this would swallow me up into an abyss. Steve died of Asbestos related cancer which takes 40yrs. to develop. My story is of a young husband in his 20's going to work in the carpentry industry and working with a deadly substance that no one suspected was lethal. Dying 2 years before retirement. A man works all his life and looks forward to retirement and then it is snatched away from him. I now have to go through life ALONE. Like you. I have lost all my MOTIVATION. It comes with the Grief and sorrow of losing a close loved one. One is unable to force themselves into going on and working as normal. It feels like being hit by a truck and you can't get up. In between I can manage to do small things and do what I need to. Then days when nothing happens. This may be our NEW NORMAL for a while till we can suddenly feel as if we are able to do more. Then when you try to do more you feel as if you are pushing a truck up a HILL. REMEMBER. Something happened to us to make us this way. We didn't do it to ourselves. If we could fix it we would. It is good to have supportive family and friends. But we can only go so far with this. We all have our LIMITATIONS. WE just have to be patient with ourselves until we can go on with our lives. Which will take us off into a new direction. One which we will resist because we want our old life back as it was. This will be the two steps back before we can go forward. You. Us. We will find our way back one day. WHEN! We will have to find this out for ourselves as we all differ in our life experiences. But we will SURVIVE. We have no CHOICE in this. May Life treat you good in the days ahead and bring you some sense of Peace and Comfort in your Loss. May your future be a good one filled with HAPPINESS. Best wishes.

Dec 16, 2012
Very Sorry
by: RP

David,
Very Sorry to hear about your loss. I can imagine the pain you are going through, as i too lost my wife on oct 4 2012, and she is just 35 years old leaving behind two kids at 10 and 5. She died of secondaries in liver. The loss and pain only increases with time. I am not sure why god is so cruel to select few of us

rgds
RP

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