empty empty empty

by E

10 days before our wedding he just didn't wake up one morning. 12 years we were together - since we were 17. It's been 3 years since he died and I can't imagine hell being any worse than what I have gone through. I am so lonely, lonely all the time. I adored the ground he walked on, he was perfect, my first and only true love.

I can't believe he left me here in this horrible horrible place all alone. He was genuinely gorgeous, tall, broad and perfect in my eyes. He was funny - he made me laugh every day. He cheered me up when I was down, he encouraged me with my career, he gave me confidence, he totally believed in me and made my life worth living. Then he just died without any warning and left me in hell.

I don't know what I could have done to deserve this - I would have gladly taken any other shit life had to throw at me. Anything but this. He UNDERSTOOD me. He was the only one and now that he's gone, Ive no one I can really talk to, nobody to totally be myself with. I miss him so much I don't have the words to describe it - and this is 3 years later.

How many times have I wished I was dead. I used to say to him "if you ever die I would have to kill myself" - he used to reply "you should never even think about doing something like that". So here I am - stuck in this horrible, cold, lonely, harsh, cruel place trying to find "love" in the arms of men who have wanted me for nothing rather than sex. I am so lonely without my baby, my ducky, my finkface, my everlasting 1 true love.

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Oct 26, 2010
better to have loved?

I so dislike the saying better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I pretty much want to strangle anyone who says it. But that and many other things have been said in the long lonely road of grief. It is going on a year when winter comes and makes me acutely aware of that I no longer have. A person that I could tell anything to, A best friend and lover that I had planned on growing old with. He watches over me as you Love watches over you. I know that it is hard. But somehow, we need to not just get through the day but one day live our lives even without them. And I guess that is the trick a life that we do not want but is thrust upon us.
There are things that demand our attention things that we need to notice and appreciate. It does seem so grey without them. So when you feel the slightest inkling of joy, relish it as though it were the tastiest morsel of life. And make the day count as that is what they would want for us.

My best to your journey, keep reading, keep writing it is a life raft.

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