by shannon
( utah)

What I think of most when I think of Ma is the way she would sit in front of her vanity mirror, apply her make-up and style her hair. I think I must have watched that routine hundreds of times growing up. The last time I watched her go through these motions was December 23rd 2012. I am now 34 and she passed March 1 2013 and was 52 years of age. Nothing id ever felt prepared me for the immediate void i felt and emotions i never imagined existed. I missed so many moments when I moved out of state and this is the moment I think of most. I went home to bury her and comfort our family the only way I knew how, the way should would want. After I came home I am always depressed and crying if not kept busy. I cant speak about her. There's this part of me that thinks this should hurt less, not feel as if she just died. I feel so very selfish, but I can't seem to stop thinking, and crying. She was the most beautiful, courageous, mother.

Comments for Empty

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Feb 28, 2013
by: silver

Your story reminds me why I am glad that I ended up living only about 20 miles from my mother.She died on June 30,2010 just 8 months after my father died.They had been married for 64 yrs and I guess she just couldn't face life anymore without him.She just sat in a chair most of the time either watching TV or sleeping(she was 81 yrs old).My fondest memories are of the holidays when we all congregated at her house.My mother was a loving person with strong ties to her family. One of my brothers and two of my sisters live in Texas about 1200 miles away,so I'm sure they know how you feel.My older brother is mentally retarded and each time I go see him I am reminded of my mother because I can't tell him why momma isn't coming.His mental age is about 6 & 1/2 and he has memory retention problems.To tell him would just hurt him over and over.Instead,I hurt over and over.I was taking my husband to a chemo treatment when momma died and couldn't go to the hospital right away.I had been there about 3 minutes when they told me she had died. I totally lost it even though I felt before hand that is what I would find when I got there. I send you love and prayers that GOD will send you strength and peace.HE has helped me so much.

Feb 18, 2013
Dear Empty,
by: Pat

I know the feeling of emptiness. Since mothers give us the gift of life, I don't think we can ever really fill that part of our hearts that aches, when we lose our mothers. I lost my mother in 2009. Since then, I have lost 3 others. With each one, it feels like another piece of me goes, but my mother was the first and the hardest to deal with. She was not a makeup person like your mother was. She loved gardening and writing. When I see her now, I see her digging in the garden. When my mom went, I decided to do a scrapbook in her honor. I filled it with pictures and little mementoes of remembrances. Now, I can look at it and laugh at her silliness, smile at the beauty of the flowers she grew, and find solace in her poetry. Mothers are very special people in the lives of all of us. The feeling of emptiness is a very normal part of grieving. Afterall, our mothers are usually a part of our lives for as long as we live. We will always miss our mothers, when they go. But I think the body is just the cover for the soul. Your mother is still with you. My mother talks to me, when I am shopping and cooking, 2 things we enjoyed together. These are comforting conversations. You will have them too. Your mother is watching over you. She does not want you to feel selfish. Your tears are very real. Let them flow. In time, that will end and you will be able to smile, when your mother talks to you. Take care. You will be ok. Pat

Feb 17, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Shannon You will feel Empty and lonely having lost your dear mother. You are not being selfish for thinking of your own feelings. You are human and must express how you feel without beating up on yourself for doing so. None of us knows how to behave after one dies. But to cry and feel fear and anxiety and all them mixed up emotions says that you are facing RAW GRIEF. You simply have to be yourself and not try to be brave and cope with what is hurting you so deeply. WE all have different relationships with different family members and some are close and some distant. It is this close bond that hurts our loss more deeply. You may benefit greatly from seeing a grief counsellor for support in what is a very difficult grief for you. The whole counselling experience will support you in pain and help you move better through the pain. Death is cruel but part of our life and so we just don't know what to expect from our loss. I hope that you have other family and good friends to support you at this difficult time. Give yourself permission to handle your grief as best as you are able. If you cry a lot this is a good healthy part of grief as this is where our healing comes from. If you were not crying your grief would have been frozen and some people get stuck in this area. Feel free to write back if you feel you are struggling.

Feb 17, 2013
I feel the same...
by: Rod Labbe

I read your post with tears in my eyes. Like you, I watched my mother make herself up many, many times over the years. Funny what little things come to you once a loved one has left your life. Speaking as someone who just lost his mom two weeks ago, I can't really give you any advice about "coping." It's a day to day thing, I suppose. I'd been my mother's caregiver and her companion since 1998, when dad died. She was the focus of my attention for so very long, and now, well...the best I can hope for is resolution and acceptance. I've a feeling I'll be hoping forever.

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