Endless Grief

by BSM
(New Jersey, USA)

I'm totally lost. I'm only 15 and I suffered so much with grief. The grief really began before I was born.
I never knew my uncle, because he died before I came on this earth. He died in April of 1997 at the age of 31. I would have liked to meet him, but I never got the chance.
The next death, and another person I never met, was my great-grandmother. I was told she was a great women, who loved her family so much. She died In May of 1998, exactly 5 days after I was born.
Over the next 6 years my family was doing well. Probably the only years of my life were I haven't felt grief so far.
Then, In May of 2004 my father died at the age of 33. I loved my father so much. I miss him to this day. Growing-up without a father is harder then you think. He died 11 days before my 6th birthday. Why me? Is this my birthday present from God? In the first couple of years, I'd always think that question. But now, I don't blame God. If God wants to call you home at such a young age, then you have to go into the light.
So after my fathers death, my grandmothers health really deteriorate. Her only children; taken. She was actually dyeing from grief. I never seen her look so sick before, I hated It. I hated watching her die from grief. She went through the last year of her life in grief.
Again, 15 days before my 7th birthday in May of 2005, my Grandmother died. I was still recovering from my fathers death, and the 2nd blow came sudden. To this day she is the strongest person I knew. Throughout her life she came across many problems. But she lost the battle to grief. I was never told the real reason how she died but, my family told me she died from a broken heart.
So 7 years go by without any major deaths until my deceased grandmothers brother died in June of 2012. And a month later my grandfather died. At only 14 in July of 2012, I lost mostly everyone on my fathers side. Something that should have happened much later in life.
So that's it. That's my whole life summed up in a few paragraphs. The reason why I decided to express my feelings of grief is because of the anniversary's of there deaths. Its been 9 years of my father, 8 years of my grandmother, and 1 year since two family member passed away. But having to go through with that as a child, It seems much longer.
I've been depressed for a long time now. I cant ever have a relationship with someone because I'm afraid I'll lose them too. May is the worse month I have to go through, and Its the month of my birthday. A month were your suppose to be happy.

Comments for Endless Grief

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Jun 22, 2013
Endless Grief
by: Doreen U.K.

BSM I am so sorry for your loss of your father and grandmother and uncle and all those people from your life at such a young age. You have a mature attitude but sadly this doesn't help with coping with grief. I used to like the month of March as this was my Wedding Anniversary month. and also the start of Spring. Then I began to lose joy for this month When my mother died this month of March and my husband was diagnosed with the worst terminal cancer. My husband died on 5th May 2012, almost 14 months ago so May is not a good month for me. My nephew died 7yrs. ago His birthday was in June as was my mother's, husband's and father's he is 91yrs. so will die also making four birthdays in June of four people who died. It makes it feel as if I will be grieving forever each anniversary.
It is worse for you because you were so young to lose important people from your life, and you are still young to be still grieving. You also have a longer time living without these people in your life. You lose a lot of your history and then have to rely on other relatives to fill in the gaps. But you never get the full picture in knowing them personally through their unique personality. This is the sad part of grief and loss of loved ones from our life. WE will all go on to lose more people from our life making life miserable to a point.
You are much too young to cancel your life in case you lose more people from it. Embrace your life. LIVE IT WITH BEING POSITIVE. Don't hold anyone too tightly to your heart that you couldn't bear to lose them. Hold each person loosely knowing you may have to live without them one day. But don't focus on Losing anyone. Just live for the moment and one day at a time. Life is for living and I have to do this without my husband as other's have to do losing their loved ones. If you like dogs or other pets start with loving a pet and work your way up. Keep a journal and record all those precious moments that you will have forever. Keep a journal for all those you have lost and gathered information from for your history. You will find richness here in the story of your life. Make new memories. Live life to the full. If we spent our time worried about dying. None of us would ever live. We would stagnate, wither like a flower, and then die having never enjoyed the richness of life and what it could offer you. See a counsellor if you have to. They will assist you in grief and help you move beyond your fears. Best wishes.

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