Endless Sadness and Loneliness

by Bob M.
(Clearwater, FL)

I lost my wife, my soulmate and best friend of 54 years almost 3 years ago and yet the pain doesn't ease. It's not that it has disabled me at this point. I can function normally with the usual houshold requirements and I even volunteer at Hospice one day a week. It's just that when I'm back home alone, I sometimes come apart at the seams. I never expected this after all this time but I see no hope for things to get better. Nothing or nobody seems to hold my interest and my kids both live in other states.

I just wanted to get this off my chest a little and wonder if anyone else has gone this long and feels the same way. At my advanced age, it's almost impossible to start over again at any level. Does anyone thinks there is hope out there for any of us in this situation?

Comments for Endless Sadness and Loneliness

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Nov 08, 2013
such sadness
by: angela

Hi Bob
So sorry for your loss.
I lost my husband suddenly 3 months ago.
I found him when I got up.
I feel my life as no meaning in it anymore.
Yes ive got a son and a daughter and grandchildren but they have their life to lead
. I sit on my own and just go into floods of tears.
If I go out which isn't very often its so lonely coming back to a empty house.
People say try to get out but when you have no one to share your life with its so hard.
Unless youve lost a partner who was the love of your life no one knows how we feel.

Nov 07, 2013
endless sadness and loneliness
by: silver

Dear Bob,I am sorry it took me so long to write to you.October 3-Nov 1 is a hard month for me.You see I can totally relate to your feelings.I sent my husband of 33 yrs on one wk after our anniversary.It has been almost 2 1/2 yrs for me.His birthday was Oct 3.Oct 23 was my mother's bd and she died 3 1/2 yrs ago.Nov.1 is the anniversary of my sister's death.My mom,dad,best friend of 28 yrs,and my husband died within 17 months.I guess I didn't grieve for my mom and dad so much because I was reeling from their deaths when my husband died.I was in shock for most of the first yr.Yes,I cried a lot,but it didn't really hit me hard until a little over a yr.Like you one child lives in Florida,one in Maryland and one is moving next yr to Arizona.With my parents,sister and husband gone,that leaves me with one son,a couple of grandchildren and 2 nephews close by.None,except the one son ever calls me.My youngest son lives with me for now.My son in Maryland and the son who will be moving to Arizona call me fairly regular.My 2 sisters and my brother call maybe once a yr.unless I call them.I am retired and I will eventually volunteer somewhere.I made myself sick with bronchitis a lot by crying...I have asthma...and I am working at getting myself well enough to do it.I am still going through boxes of papers from my parents house.I don't think they ever threw anything away...lol.I guess i'm getting better.I don't cry every day now.I don't cry as hard most of the time.Like you though,i'm so lonely most of the time.I thought we would get to spend our waning yrs after retirement together.We had plans to do some light traveling.He died before my 62nd birthday and my retirement.I wish I could belong to a group of widows and widowers but living on Soc.Sec.I don't have the money to go anywhere much.I believe that I will see my soul mate again one day.I miss him terribly.I don't know what GOD has planned for me but the belief that I will see him is what keeps me going.I'm glad you go out once in awhile.That's what keeps me sane.I keep all of us in my prayers.May GOD send you strength and peace.

Nov 06, 2013
The day of the week our loved one passed away and how it affects us!
by: Doreen UK

Hi MI and Barb, I appreciate you both posting about being sensitive to the day your beloved passed away. It does help to hear other's express how they feel. It makes me feel less alone. My husband was buried on a Friday. So this takes care of the whole weekend and I dread it coming. Again let us keep sharing, and praying for each other. May God be close to all of you in a special way and give you His Peace, Love, and Care at this difficult time.

Nov 05, 2013
endless sadness
by: Anonymous---MI

My husband died on a Sunday afternoon and I too feel more of a raw grief on Sundays---it is a grim reminder of my loss. I too, keep all on this site in my prayers, asking God to have mercy on us and let us feel comfort in any way He blesses us with. It is amazing that I live in Michigan and there are so many people from many parts of the world that post on this site and we share much of the same feelings in the loss of our dear loved ones. I appreciate all of you who share your stories and feelings; it helps me to know I am not alone and just when I think I am losing my sanity for how I feel, someone will post the same emotion that I have. It is a comfort to know that I am among people who REALLY know how I feel. God bless you all.

Nov 03, 2013
Endless Sadness and Lonliness
by: Anonymous

I also am sensitive to the " day". My father passed away on a Monday. The last time I saw him alive and spent time with him was at my son's basketball game two days before he died. A Saturday. So, needless to say, weekends are hard for me as well as Monday mornings. I keep you all in my prayers and am so thankful that I have found this site. Peace, Barb

Nov 03, 2013
Endless Sadness and Lonliness
by: Doreen UK

Bob I felt some comfort from you mentioning your wife died on a Saturday. I have been including in a lot of my posts that My husband died on a Saturday late and we were sitting into early hours of Sunday morning processing what just happened when my husband's body was taken away. I hate Saturday's and Sundays but Saturday's more. I cry every Saturday, some memory of sorts will intrude on this day and make me feel sad and upset. I don't know when this will end but it is hell every week. I can't wait for the weekend to pass and when Monday morning comes I feel relief. I will be thinking of you on Saturday and say a prayer for both of us. If anyone else wants to input here of their experience of how bad Saturday's are I will include you in thought and prayer. Best wishes Bob.

Nov 02, 2013
Thanks to all
by: Bob M.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has commented on my post. It's so nice to have a site where we can all express our thoughts and feelings with people who have had the same loss as we have.

We are all so different in the way we process our grief and yet we share this common bond that we wish we didn't have. I find that just reading these comments from all of you helps when I'm really down and today is one of those times. My wife passed away on a Saturday, very close to 3 years ago and today is Saturday. I read that the same day of the week can affect the survivor and I believe it after all this time.

I won't drag this on but I just had to thank everyone for their contributions and together maybe we can all make it a little easier on each other when we need a bit of extra support. May God bless you all.

Bob M.

Oct 30, 2013
Endless sadness and loneliness
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Bob,

We do go on, but our life is forever changed. We change. We may look like the old self, but we have changed. Losing a spouse does that to us.

I lost my husband of 46 years on June 27, 2011, from a massive heart attack. Our wedding anniversary was June 26th. We never really get over the loss, but we slowly LEARN HOW TO GO ON WITHOUT THEM.
HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE; MY LOVER AND BEST FRIEND.

I started dating him at the age of 15, married him at 18. We always said we grew up together. I cannot imagine another man in my life. Still after all this time I talk to him everyday; first thing when I wake up and the last thing at night when I go to bed.

I have a social life. Most of my new friends are widows. WE TRULY GET IT. Yet at the end of each day, I would give up my socializing and go back to being a "home body". We enjoyed our home and being together; the reason we got married in the first place-being together enjoying each others company. Now, I am on my own. I have 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren; they are my reason for living.

Do things get better or easier, for me I don't think so; I'm just learning how to go on without him. always loving him and chersihing his memory.

Be good to yourself and do things you enjoy. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things, but we can't stop living; our loved ones want us to be happy again- "A new happy"

Oct 29, 2013
Hope
by: Anonymous---MI

I have been a widow for 11 months; my dear husband died Nov 2012 of SCA---the hardest, most heartbreaking event to come into my life. I agree with Lawrence, I have one love in my life--no one on this earth could take my husband's place, nor would I ever want that. I, like Lawrence, try to keep busy doing for myself and trying to help others. God will show me ways that I can keep busy and heal. The loneliness and quiet is so brutal--my husband and I were not only lovers, but we were best friends---he was so smart and kind and handsome and loving. I miss him more every day. I look to God to lead me through this grief and help me to feel a little joy. I am blessed with 2 grown children and their spouses and 4 wonderful grandchildren----this will be my happiness on this earth. May God help all on this site who are grieving and going through hell on earth. This is how it feels to me after loosing my husband of 43 years

Oct 28, 2013
Hope
by: Lawrence

Hi Bob,
Do you really want to start all over again?.
Nobody can replace your beloved wife, you had fifty four years of a wonderful marriage, and nothing can take away, you should thank God for sharing her with you.
The price we pay for love is intense grief and all of us on this web site pay that price.
I lost my cherished wife just ten months ago on Christmas Day after a wonderful love affair that lasted for nearly seventy years, from being early teenagers to aged pensioners and it hurts like hell, I miss her every second of the day and like you I will never get used to being a single man again, going up the stairs to an empty bedroom is a daily nightmare, I still stretch out my hand in the morning feeling for her hoping it was just a bad dream and sob when I just find an empty space.
You ask is there any hope for us. Well there isn’t for me, I certainly don’t want to start all over again, she was the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed, I have no desire to kiss anyone else.
Keep yourself occupied as I do, I have joined bridge and social clubs, I am having violin lessons, I write novels and compose music, it used to be love songs but the impetus has gone, it’s all treading water I know until I meet her again, but I have to do something to take away this terrible heartache.
I know this contribution will be of no help to you and for that I apologize, but you did ask.
Take care
Lawrence

Oct 28, 2013
There are a lot of us
by: Judith in California

Bob, it's been 3 years for me since I lost my husband. Even tho I strive to go on and get used to my new normal , I, like you, feel the same sadness,lonliness and emptiness. I can go out and laugh and dance but once home, the quiet consumes me and I begin the empty feelings all over again. It's a hard ride this grief. No matter what no one, who hasn't gone though it , will ever understand. I feel that 3 years in we just get used to the fact they are really gone.
I was married 35 1/2 years so I know it will take some time to completly come to terms with my loss.
There are so many of us out here in the same boat and we know our lost loved ones will always be in our hearts. No one can take that away from us. but we do have a choice as to how we live our lives each day but we don't have a choice as to how a memory will creep in and take us to a sad place from time to time.

God bless you as you continue to heal.

Oct 28, 2013
Dear Bob
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and to hear that you are struggling, my heart breaks for you. My father died in January, suddenly, from Cardiac Arrest. He and my mother would have celebrated 50 years together on October 17. While I am coping the best way I can to get through my grief, I worry about my mother constantly. Like you, and others on this site, she is so sad and seems lost without him. She lives in a community where there are many widows/widowers, and while they are a great source of support, she is trying to get through this her own way, in her own time. I would like to see her get out and do more, but I can't force her to do anything, (especially at age 84), and I have to let her grieve in her own way. We are two very different people, and while keeping busy and distracted helps me get through my grief, she is more reflective, and likes to stay home and "putter" around her house and garden. I hope you find some comfort here. There are so many wonderful people, who sadly are all struggling with grief. Everybody who posts here has helped me tremendously in their own way. They are inspiring, helpful and understanding. Please know that you are not
alone. You will be in my thoughts. Peace, Barb

Oct 28, 2013
Endless Sadness and Lonliness
by: Doreen UK

Bob I am sorry for your loss of your beloved wife of 54yrs. Bob to answer your question. YES! YES!YES! There is always hope. We all feel hopeless after losing a spouse. You can't get over 54yrs. together in a jiffy. It will take a lot of time and Prayer to get over a loss like this.
DON'T EVER GIVE UP HOPE! Hope is what keeps us going on each day. You must encourage yourself each day when you feel hopeless. Reverse the negative feelings into positive one's even if you don't feel like it. One day your feelings will catch up with your positive words to yourself. I lost my husband of 44yrs. coming up to 18 months ago and I thought I was getting stronger. But I feel my loneliness more. I miss him and thoughts come into my mind more. My aunt is 83yrs. of age and lost 3 husbands. She is now on good friendship with a man for companionship. They both offer each other this NEED. They share a meal and in return he does odd jobs around the house for her. In essence they both look out for each other. They have fulfilled this need for each other. I know what you mean by being of an age where you don't want to start over again. I am 65yrs. and also of an age where we have a certain life span. We have to make the best of the years we have left. Find companionship if you need this. Just don't feel you have to live the rest of your life ALONE. If I could have the same relationship as my aunt I would be happy. We need that type of security. God created us for companionship. WE were never meant to live in isolation. I applaud you for coping with life and working at a hospice one day a week. It seems your needs are greater. Find opportunities to put more things in your life and perhaps advertise for a widow who needs company and companionship. You may open your world so you live with more happiness. Someone might need a picture put up or some job that you could do which would enhance her life and yours for giving of yourself. You may be travelling to different places to share a meal and a good conversation. It will open up your life more. I wish you better days ahead and every success in life in the days ahead. Best wishes.

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