Enough Already

by Allison

It is 13 months since Kent died. I have posted many times on this site. I have celebrated him and mourned him. Now I am just plain achingly sad. Day after relentless day without his presence. My life ticks on with all my obligations but lately I miss him so much it really hurts. I guess the shock and numbness has finally worn off. I've always known in my head that he was dead but now my heart is catching up. I've become really good at making people think I'm doing great - that's what they want to see - but when I'm alone I fall apart. Kent travelled a lot for business so I was used to spending long stretches of time on my own. However now I must say that this is really quite enough. To realize that he will never come home again is terrible. To realize this ireality is the rest of my life is a daymare. Sure do miss you Sweet Heart.

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Dec 11, 2012
Thank you all for sharing your grief
by: Anonymous

Thank you for the strength it took to tell someone else about your pain. I guess that's why I'm here too. My late wife's birthday was yesterday and I was trying not to mention it to our three teenage daughters. I have learned there are enough reminders to make us all sad without drawing attention to specific dates. But then I started getting emails, call, texts from people who wouldn't let me, or us forget. I found myself being angry at people for thinking of my girls and me. That's the power of grief. I was actually ticked off at people for being thoughtful. Then I realized I needed to be thankful people still cared. I lost my sweetheart of 25 years to cancer last year. Here's what we should all know. We don't have to hide our pain just to make others feel less comfortable with our loss. I won't. If people ask me how I am. I tell them. If they're not mature enough to handle it, that's their problem, not mine. I had a friend tell me in church to "be strong." I thought, without saying it, don't you know how much strength it took for me to come to church, to be in public as a "public personality," to risk breaking down where others could see me. I'm a man. I'm not supposed to cry like that,right? Nonsense! I'm man enough to admit I loved my wife so much it brings me to tears. Here's what I have learned. Real friends will listen and not tell you, you need to move on or get over it. How can I quickly get over watching my best friend fight for her life, for her children, with such bravery and joy that she encouraged others even while she was dying. I will never get over losing my precious bride. But, I will learn to live with losing her. I was blessed to have her for the time we were given. I never deserved one day with such a precious, dazzling, creative woman. So getting 25 years with her, that's amazing. With great joy, comes great sorrow. And get this, I am one of seven men who have lost their wives to cancer in two years in my immediate circle of friends. I've been to two funerals since my wife's funeral. We are not alone. We have each other,even if anonymously, we are not alone. I am determined to try to find something beautiful in each day. My wife knowing she was going to die, told me not to be too sad. And so I say to all of you, and to myself, with grace. Don't be too sad. We must find ways to celebrate the precious lives we have been given, to encourage others, and to go on loving those around us.

Dec 09, 2012
feel the same
by: Anonymous

I meant to say Alan.

Dec 09, 2012
feel the same
by: Anonymous

I feel the same, don't like this life and am just putting in time. No joy in anything anymore. Mike passed away nine months ago (March) and I miss him more each day. I think, as you do, I have been in shock and now just coming out of it. I can't see it getting any better. I envy people who have faith and look forward to being with their people who have passed. It has helped me to volunteer, etc., but still come home wishing Mike was here. I don't know what I would do without my dog and cat...they have been a comfort to me. This website has helped me also. Take care of yourself.
Thinking of Doreen, Kent and Jenn.


Dec 09, 2012
Re: Enough Already
by: Anonymous

Hi Allison,

There is no stipulated time for grief. You just work your way through it at your own pace. If anyone suggests you should be "over it now", you may want to reconsider the friendship/relationship. Joy doesn't come with a "best before" label, so why would grief? And, in a sense - or so I'm told, I'm grieving myself - you probably never do get over it.
And why should you? Kent was a huge part of your life and now you're trying to fill that aching void he's left behind. You can't. The best you can do, in my opinion, is give yourself all the time you need to let some emotional scar tissue cover it somewhat. Do what seems best to you. Cry. Laugh. Scream. Break down. All these things are forms of letting go, letting your emotions out - so they can air a bit, and start to seem a little less raw, a little less terrifying.

I've found myself being surprised by what I call "small pleasures". Days when strangers actually seem to smile at you. Others when your friends/family seem not so overwhelming. Even times when the aloneness is just that, not that deep pit of loneliness that just furthers your unhappiness.

Will you be truly happy again? Maybe. Will I? Maybe. All I do know is that grief bottled up is a killer. You either feel and deal with it now, or it will exact a terrible toll on you later.

So ignore what the world says about the time you're taking. Don't think with your mind. Feel with your heart.

This is what I am trying to do. And I've been told things will get better. Haven't seen any sign of it yet, and it's been almost a year. But I'm keeping my options open.

I wish you small joys and, hopefully, when you're ready for them - many happy times.

I hope this makes some sense to you. My own grieving tends to muffle the messages I try to deliver sometimes.

Take care of YOU.


Dec 09, 2012
by: Alan

Hello Allison, my heartfelt condolences on your loss. Yesterday, December 8th, was the first anniversary of my wife's passing. This past June was our 35th wedding anniversary. Each of us grieves in our own way, in our own time. I feel the same as you, most people expect happy happy all the time, anything else is unacceptable, it's just easier to try to smile and say you're fine. They say that this life we now must endure is the new normal, but it feels so foreign, so lonely, cold, and unforgiving. I miss my beautiful Donna so much, the pain is fierce, it usually blindsides you when you least expect it. Today I thought about what a waste it is, this death thing tearing people's hearts out and forever changing their lives, how unfair it all is. Why your Kent, my Donna ?

I have no answers for you, Allison, no magic words. I hope you know you are not alone.

May we all find the strength to carry on.

Dec 09, 2012
Enough Already
by: Doreen U.K.

Alison I am sorry for your loss of Kent 13 months ago. I lost my Steve of 44yrs. marriage to cancer 7 months ago. I am nowhere near getting used to Steve having died. Today especially has been a very sad and lonely day for me.
I understand how you feel and where you are coming from having spent long stretches on your own while Kent was away on business. My Steve worked all over the country of England and overseas in Germany, Paris, and Rio De Janiero, and Brazil as an exhibition Carpenter. I miss the life Steve had as a skilled tradesman. I miss my whole life with Steve. You may feel as I do that I have had difficulty thinking Steve was away on another job and I felt "Come on Steve you have been gone too long and "I MISS YOU" "I need you to come home now, my heart is aching to see you." I have had enough of LOSS. It is all too much to bear. Christmas is almost here and we are all alone. I can't bear life at the moment. It is cold, it is winter and my heart is so sad it could burst with pain. I can't even celebrate other people's happiness in life. Perhaps because it feels as if Life has slipped away and I can't catch up. I can't bear the thought of Steve not being in the world. This feels scary. Life is empty and lonely and I can't make it any different no matter what I do. It is like trying to catch the wind and I can't. I hope that you have support whilst you have to travel this horrible journey of grief and sorrow. May God comfort You, and all of us as we try to Heal from our Loss of our Loved ones.

Dec 09, 2012
May you find Peace
by: Anonymous

Allison, It's a rough and winding road out of grief I keep waiting for the end of the road. It's been 2 years and 3 months for me . Just when I think I'm okay ....here comes another bout of missing him and wishing him back. I don't like my new normal at all but I wouldn't want him back to be sick as he was. So we try to move on , fall back then try to move on again.

It's hell living in love with someone you can never lay eyes on and who can never love you back.

My God give you and me strength to get to a final peace with it.

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